Thursday, May 31, 2012


Don't ever waste your hard earned money on RUSK W8less (Weightless) hair spray!  This is probably the dumbest hair product I have ever tried.   It stinks like that knockoff perfume that vagrants try to sell to you in parking lots and it sucks at holding hair in place.  This is the "STRONG hold" I'm talking about.   The light hold is probably just a can of oxygen.  I have been doing hair far to long to be buying such idiotic products, but I was duped. 

I don't even think that there is hair spray inside the can.  I strongly believe that this aerosol can holds the ashes of a little, old, dead lady.....a Q-tip to be exact. (a Q-tip is a little old lady with a heavily sprayed, helmet of old lady hair.  I mean no disrespect here!  I love skinny little old ladies and their giant, firm, hair do's.  This is merely a descriptive term.)  Some weirdo within the Rusk company thought it would be cute to turn his dead grandma into aerosol.  It's not cute and it ain't right!

Belongs in Trash Can!
This can of spray contains no "sticky", what so ever.  It could be fairy dust or unicorns breath, but I assure you this IS NOT hair spray.  I can't even return it to the store, because I am desperate to keep it off the shelves.  This can belongs in the garbage and that is exactly where I've put mine.  Oh it makes me so angry!

The best of the best!
The worst part of the entire story is that I know who makes the worlds best hairspray and I already had several spare cans of it at my house.  The only hair spray worth using is Kenra 25.  That's it!  That's the stuff.  Don't be fooled by the rest.  There are lots of companies that offer decent hold, but Kenra 25 is the best.  It doesn't stink, it doesn't flake.  It's wonderful and I know it.  So I'll never understand why I bought of can of that Rusk garbage.  I've learned my lesson.  I just hope I got the word out soon enough.

Wednesday, May 30, 2012

The Tablet

We bought a tablet.  I am not exactly sure why we needed it.  I guess it's sort of an I-pad knockoff.  I don't get it though.  I don't know what it's purpose is.  So far it seems to be an over sized cell phone that lacks the calling function. 

I am notorious for my lack of new technology.  My cell phone was purchased at Target for $29.00 and I have the T-mobil pay as you go plan because I wouldn't be able to sleep at night if I had a cell phone contract.  I think I would have a full blown panic attack if I paid $100 a month for cell service.  I pay that amount once a year and it lasts all year long.  I don't make a lot of phone calls and I only use the internet at home. 

Sometimes I feel like I don't get it.  I see people on their phones constantly and I always wonder what they're doing.   Are they talking or texting?  Are they playing some great game I've never heard of?  Are they using some great "app" I've never heard of?  I downloaded my first app today on that tablet.  I got Angry Birds.......because I've heard of it before.  I don't know what else I need.  I have no idea what is available or why I would need it.  I'm in over my head here.

I think I'm supposed to read books on it or watch movies on least I think that's what it's for.  But I read paper books and I would way rather watch a movie on my full size T.V.  I hope I figure this all out or I'm going to feel beyond stupid for purchasing it.  At least it was a great price.  My kids enjoyed playing Angry Birds for an hour while I cleaned out my closet.   Dave told me to watch a tutorial about it on, but I don't have the attention span for such tasks. 

If anyone knows what the benefit of having  a huge telephone that makes no phone calls is.....let me know.  I really do want to be in the know.

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

The Speed Walkers

I don't know if I've been blessed with a fast family or if I trained them to walk fast.  I don't really care how it happened, I'll just rejoice in the fact that it did happen.  I don't walk slow.  I can't walk slow.  I must move quickly.  Experience has taught me that I am in the minority here.  Costco has taught me that people in general, move incredibly slow.  Perhaps this is why a Saturday trip to Costco is so infuriating for me.

I am very short, but my little legs can haul ass.  I married a long legged giant and he only has to take one step for every two that I take.  This works out well.  My daughters have learned to move fast too.   They are used to my pace but they also seem to be training for the palace marathon.  They seriously run laps through my house, until I want to pull my hair out.  We have a nice loop for them to run with plenty of obstacles like couch pillows, laundry baskets and the most treacherous of all....rogue toys.  These kids of mine will be world class hurdlers when all their indoor training is through.

The whole family was put to the test over the weekend.  We went to the airshow!  I've only been on the grounds of the air force base a couple of times and I'm not gonna lie, I was drunk on every occasion.  Our local military loves karaoke and the bar on base is pure comedy for anyone who doesn't take the art of karaoke seriously.  I don't sing publicly, but I love to watch others humiliate themselves so I checked it out a few times.   But to this day I couldn't tell where the bar is located within the base.   It's a labyrinth.

So we get on base and park in the first parking lot we're directed too.  I think we got  a great spot, but I also had no clue where the actual air show extravaganza was taking place.  I was dead wrong about our parking spot.  We were roughly 2 miles away from the show.  We started walking toward the shuttle buses but the lines were outrageous.  We don't really do lines, so we decided to walk.....and walk and walk and walk some more.......with two young girls.  We were moving very fast, but the finish line was no where in sight.  I quickly realized that we probably made a huge mistake when we passed the shuttle bus line.  So we continue our journey.  Dave and I take turns holding the three year old, but our five year old is jogging it out like a champ. 

As the journey continued, I started getting pissed off.  Where the hell  is the airshow?  Why are there no signs anywhere?  Why was I shown to a parking lot SO FAR AWAY?  Oh yeah, because there is shuttle bus service that you walked right past.  Ouch!  This day was starting to suck and it was all my fault.  Then we finally reached the entry gates. 

We got in and made our way to the side of the runway.  Then an enormous, super fast jet passed right in front of my face and it shook my whole body.  It was awesome and so worth the walk.  I'm glad my little brood moves so fast.  The show was so entertaining and we all enjoyed ourselves.  But you better believe we left five minutes early and we were one the first shuttle bus we saw.  Even the shuttle bus ride seemed long.....but it was glorious!

Friday, May 25, 2012

My Big Girl Bed

My three year old daughter sleeps in crib.  She has no objections to it, in fact I'd say she loves the comfortable, confines of her crib.  It's the only bed she's ever known and sleep has always been her friend, so we've left her to sleep in her crib for eternity. 

She has NEVER escaped from her crib.  She has never even tried to climb out.  I know there is normally a point in time that you put your toddler to bed in their crib, then the kid scares the shit out of you by showing up in your own bedroom twenty minutes later.  This leaves you wondering how they escaped and hoping it was a one time, spontaneous event.  Was your kid is grave danger during the escape?  Was it a gentle, easy climb or did I just not hear the giant THUD when my kid landed precariously on the floor?    Lyla has never done this and I'm so grateful.  I don't need tiny children wandering my house all night long.  She stays put, so it's been a win win situation.

Around her third birthday, I decided it was time to go "big girl bed" shopping.  I only buy scratch and dent furniture because I don't want to get super angry when my kids scratch and dent it themselves a few weeks after the purchase.  These shopping trips totally depend on what the store has on clearance any given day.  I thought it would take a few weeks of looking, but the first day I went hunting for cute beds, I found one at Down East.  It is a very modern daybed.  Not the curly iron kind, it's a geometric pattern, white wood, daybed.  It's so unique (huge bonus) and the price was exactly right.  There was only one and I'd never seen anything like it before.  I was sold, and so was the bed!

  We brought it home and placed the daybed frame in a room we call "the Wii room", because it holds a couch, a t.v. and the all important, Nintendo Wii.  There was an open spot right by the only window in the room.  We left the frame there so that Lyla could adjusted to the idea of a big girl bed and I could buy a mattress.  A few weeks later I got a mattress and we put some cute bedding on her bed.  We wanted to surprise her and give her a Wii room preview of what her new big girl bed would look like.   She saw it and loved it, but so did the rest of the family.

We quickly discovered that having a bed right in front of a sun filled window was pure bliss.  That bed was a great place to read and get your vitamin D sun time.  I soon learned that I must have been a house cat in a past life.  I wanted nothing more than to rush home from my errands and lay down on the sun soaked day bed.  It was glorious and very comfortable.  Before I knew it, I was sneaking upstairs in the middle of the night to sleep on "my" big girl bed.  I loved it.....I still love it. 

We promised Lyla that we would take down her crib and move her bed into her room before summer arrived.  Well, summer is almost here and I'm not ready!  I think she'll like the bed in her room.  She isn't a baby anymore!  But I will be devastated.   No more sunny, day bed, means I have no place to cat nap during the day (sleeping on my real bed during the day makes me feel like a lazy bueno.)  I won't have that brand new mattress at my disposal anymore.  The change isn't going to be easy, and I would hate it if I took her crib away and suddenly she wasn't such a good sleeper.   And of course if we have no crib in the house, that also means we don't have a baby anymore.

Maybe this all comes down to this one question.  Am I getting rid of the crib, or am I storing the crib?  I'm 90% sure that I should get rid of it, but I was hoping to be 100% certain.  Time will tell.  As for now, I'm busy mourning the loss of my big girl bed but Lyla loves sleeping in it. I'm thankful she was patient with my transition.

Thursday, May 24, 2012


Dave and I have officially been married for 10 freaking years!  That is crazy.  Most of my life's  significant moments have taken place within that ten years.  Starting with the actual marriage and leading up to our oldest daughters last day of!  Lots of peaks, plenty of valleys.  It's always far more complicated than "happily ever after", but it has to be because marriage is a living, breathing, changing thing.  All in all, I'd say things are going well.

It's days like this when you probably have a look through your wedding album and some might even dust off the actual wedding video footage.  Dave and I watched the wedding DVD once and it found a long term hibernation spot in with all the other DVD's.   Then we had two daughters............and they watch it at least once a week.  They love it.  I find it nauseating watching myself get married.  But my girls are little hopeless romantics through and through.  They love the dress, so do I for that matter, I am overjoyed that I got the huge, sparkly princess number.  In a normal life, there will never be another opportunity to wear something so over the top and extravagant, so I'm glad I took the "go big or go home" approach to wedding dress shopping.

My kids are a bit wedding obsessed.  Every time Sasha gets out of the tub she makes a dress out of her towel and asks, "If this wasn't made of towel, would this be a pretty wedding dress for me?"  I always say yes, but one night I told her that she doesn't have to make her own wedding dress.  I told her that when she is old enough to get married, and a worthy man asks her, I'll take her shopping for one.  I told her that Lyla would come, and maybe her grandma too.  She liked this idea, but she's a practical gal, so she said, "Well wouldn't it better if I went to the dress store, you went to the flower store, Lyla went to the cake store and grandma went to the decoration store?  That would be quicker!".  I let her know that if all goes well, we won't be in any sort of hurry when planning her wedding......this went way over her head.

So the girls love all things wedding related,  but I think they like the music on my wedding video best.  What's not to like?  Some Led Zeppelin, some Olivia Newton John music from the roller skating classic Xanadu.  Good stuff all around.  I'm sure they will watch it yet again this afternoon and I'll get the treat of watching my daughters slow dance with each other all over my living room.

Happy Anniversary to me and Dave!  We've come a long way from our chance meeting at the bar!

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Emily, You're Growin' On Me

So glad I gave the boring bachelorette another chance.  Not every gal can be a firecracker, or the world would blow up!  She finally got to go out on some dates and show a bit more of who she is.  I LOVED that her first date, with Ryan the guy with the goose egg hair do, involved carrying her groceries into her house and making cookies.  Not a helicopter in sight!  She was dressed down in adorable everyday clothes and she looked so cute.  I prefer this side of her because it's normal and relatable.  I can't recall the last time I wore a beauty pagent wait, I can.  It was my wedding.

Emily is officially growing on me.  She's asking the hard hitting questions and eliminating guys based on their answers.  I think she'll find a good guy.  Her choices seem better now that we're starting to see some individual personalities. 

I am proud to say that so far my instincts have been spot on.  Ryan, Jef (with one F from Utah) and Arie the race car driver all got roses and I still predict they will go far.  I like Arie a lot.  I hope he gets a one on one date next week.  It looked like it from the preview.  He seems like a strong contender for the final rose!

After the show, Dave and I had a good laugh about these shows.  I love them, but I think it's hilarious that shows like this make Marriage look like the finish line.  As if getting married is the final prize!
"Look, you did it!  You won!  It's all smooth sailing from here on out.  Now just sit back, relax and have fun tolerating this person for the REST OF YOUR LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!"

    In reality, the wedding is the start of the longest, most grueling Iron Man triathlon on the planet.  It's all so easy when it's fresh and new.  The hard part happens when "people stop being nice and start being real"!  (thank you MTV's Real World for wording it so well)  Real life happens and it can put a damper on things really quickly.   Add some long hours at work, some screaming kids, a few overflowing baskets of unfolded laundry and a tight budget to the mixture and hope for the best!

We'll just keep quiet about all that for now and enjoy watching people on television continue their quest for the ultimate prize.....a spouse!  It's comical and somehow it makes for some highly entertaining viewing pleasure.  Go Emily, Go!

Monday, May 21, 2012

The Truth as I Know It

I Finally Saw It!

Dave and I had another movie date.  If you recall, the last one we saw was 21 Jump Street and it blew my socks off!  I knew we would be hard pressed to beat that movie date, but we went anyway.  I wanted to see The Dictator because it looks horribly hilarious, but Dave thought we should see Hunger Games before it's out of theaters.

We both read the books and I agreed we should go to the theater and get the whole experience.  I knew it was going to be long, two and a half hours, and that's always tough for me.   I hate sitting in one spot for that long and if the movie sucks, I start thinking of all the other things I could be doing with this amount of babysitter time.

Ten minutes into the show, I start  thinking this may have been a bad decision.  The content of the movie was fine.  The setting looked about like what I'd pictured and the story was very near that of the book, but there was one huge problem.  I could barely see what was happening on the screen because the camera man was having the worlds longest epileptic seizure.  I hate this "effect"!

I first noticed Hollywood's newest obsession with jiggly camera work on the second Bourne Identity movie.  If Jason Bourne ran, the camera man ran.  If Jason was riding driving on a  bumpy road, the camera was bouncing all over the place.   Nothing was steady, nothing was focused.  I think we are supposed to feel like we're really in on all the action when they do this, but I think it's cheap and easy and that's the only reason it's used.  Nothing has to look good because no one will ever see it.  Matt Damons stunt double could have been Dogg the Bounty Hunter and I would never have noticed, because every action scene was a big, bouncing blur.  I hate it.  It almost makes me feel sick.

I had to ride on a school bus with a bunch of Kindergartners last week and I experienced the same sensation.  Everything was very loud and bumpy and I wanted to barf.  Yes, this is a good way to explain it.  Car sick!!!!!  I was so bummed out that I paid to watch two plus hours of fast paced car sickness.

We stuck it out and watched the entire movie, but that camera man kind of wrecked it for us.  After the show, on the drive home, we were joking about how stupid that camera effect is and we both guessed that Hollywood will award this movie with a "Best Cinematography" award.  I know they are going to make two more movies for the other books and I hope they stop shaking the camera like crazy.  I swear that my 3 year old could have been steadier and that is a huge problem for me. 

Final review, fairly good movie...........from what I could see.  I do wish I'd gone to see The Dictator instead.  I'm way more interested in paying to see something low brow and hilarious.

Friday, May 18, 2012

Up To My Ears In Paper!

School is almost out for summer, and I for one, couldn't be happier.  Sure I like getting some one on one time with the with my 3 year old and I also love that my kids get just enough separation each day  that they actually miss each other, but I'm thrilled school is over.  Why you ask?

The PAPERS!!!!!!!!  I can't take it anymore!  Every single day my kid comes home and I open her school folder to find a minimum of 5 papers.  That doesn't sound like much but 5 papers a day makes roughly 100 papers a month.......times that by 9 months and I have too damn much paper here.  I'm certain an entire forest was decimated just to get my child through kindergarten.  I wish we went back to some old school Little House on the Prairie style chalk boards.  Each kid does their work on an individual chalk board, teacher checks it and it's magically gone!  Laura Ingles wasn't lugging home 1000 papers a year for her mother to store in the barn.

It's overwhelming and I only have 1 kid in school!  I want to throw it all in the recycling bin and rejoice in the paper purge, but I can't.  No, I'm not a hoarder, but I am a mother and I don't have a clear of idea of what can go and what needs to be saved.  

There are a few schools of thought on this subject.  There is the one idea (let's be honest, it's the natural born hoarders idea) that every piece of paper your child touches a crayon to, is suddenly very important and very sentimental and MUST BE SAVED!  Twenty years later, you're a recluse and the producers of "Hoarders" come knocking at your door.......but you can't answer the door because there is a huge pile of papers and some QVC packages blocking the doorway.  Bummer!

Then there is the other side that thinks "It's just paper and no one will ever need it and it's ludicrous to save every scribble!"  This argument will save you the drama of sorting and storing a boat load of paper.  And I hate to say this, but someday you will die and NO ONE is going to want to sit in your storage room going through a million papers from pre-K to high school graduation.  NO ONE!  So why save it?  Someone is going to chuck it all eventually.  Why not me?  Why not now?

I fall in the middle, the guilt ridden category.  I have no choice but to recycle 75% of it.  I can't deal with the thought of keeping every last scrap.  So here is where the guilt comes in.  I have to sort of judge what I think is worthy of the "Save Pile".  I almost always favor the really personalized pieces.  If she was "free stylin", I have to keep it.  I love the pictures where she draws what ever she wants and she writes what ever she's thinking.  Around St. Patricks day, she was had to decorate a pot of gold and write what she'd do if she ever found a pot of gold.  She wrote this, "If I found a pot of gold, I'd put it in my room."  She sort of missed the point, but I loved where her head was at.  That was a keeper for me.  I have no sentimental connection to random homework papers that focus on repetition.   I don't think I'll be an old lady who tears up at the site of my kids math test.

All that being said, I do feel a bit bad about this.  Who am I to judge?  But on the other hand, last Christmas my mom gave me a huge bag of my school work and I wanted to trash it, but I reluctantly put it in my basement.  I didn't really save it because I treasure it, I saved it in case my mom needs it.  I have all the memories I need of my school days and all the good memories have nothing to do with the paper work.  It's really just the experiences and the friendships that mean anything to me.  Lucky for me, all of that packs very neatly into my brain tissue and I don't have to stress about moving it from one house to another or finding an appropriate storage spot.

Thursday, May 17, 2012

Are you for real, Lyla???

This last week has not been a great one for us.  The stitches started it off, then the Bachelorette sort of sucked, the kids have been waking at dawn, there is too much going on this week and suddenly Lyla is peeing and pooping in her underwear after months of being potty trained.  There's more, but this is the top of the list.

Lyla's issue is the most annoying.  She has been so good about telling me when she has to go.  She has been waking up dry on a regular basis.  So why is she having all these accident lately?  The Nintendo Wii.......that's why.  My baby has recently become a Wii sports enthusiast.  She is a ping pong champion to put mildly.  She loves it and her coordination is improving greatly because of it.  But she is hooked and becoming an addict really.  We can't go anywhere without her asking if we can go home and play more "pink ponk".

I've had no problem with it, until today.  I finally (hello McFly) realized that her gaming obsession is the cause of her accidents.  She can't stop for a moment to use the bathroom.  She doesn't want to miss one precious moment of Wii time. 

Today just crossed the line for me.  She pooped her pants.......mid game.  How she does all this at once is a mystery, but it happened.  I had to revoke a three year olds video game privileges until she learns time management.  This is ludicrous, but necessary.  I never in all my life guessed I'd say the following phrase to my child, "You are done with ping pong until you stop pooping your pants!"

She cried her eyes out.  I don't take it personally, because she's a little girl and she cries about everything!  The wrong color of cup, pig tails instead of one pony tail, jeans when she wanted a dress.  It's constant tears up in here.  We are running a professional water works factory here, if it's not tears, it's pee.  Oh the joys of raising young ones!

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Emily, The Bachelorette

I love the Bachelor/ Bachelorette.  It's always compelling television, but I'm worried this season is going to be dull.  Emily is a little boring.  I guess some people think she's the most beautiful bachelorette in the history of the show, but I'm not so sure.  She is pretty, but she looks much older than 26, in my humble opinion.  She is very blonde with, what have to be, fake teeth.  Dave doesn't think she's cute or appealing at all.  I should be very flattered, because I have dark hair and real teeth.......  With shows like these, pretty only gets you so far (hello Gia the gorgeous swim suit model who was out done by Vienna!).  I'm looking for a great personality and lots of it. 
I loved Jillian.  She was really cute, and she had a great personality to go with it.  I have no interest in watching some D-bag adore a pretty lady robot.  I want depth (duh, that's why I'm watching such a deep show).
At first glance, Dave and I both agreed that Emily has slim pickins.  The guys are not super great....yet.  Personalities will emerge and hopefully I'll be drawn in.  Dave fell asleep!  On the first night!  This does not bode well for Emily or for my joyous Monday night ritual of watching my show with Dave by my side.
That being said, here are the three fellas of interest for me.  This first dude is named Ryan.  The internet told me his name.  I called him Eff'd up haircut and it's obvious why I call him that.  It looks a tiny bit better in this photo, but on the show last night, it looked like his mom did a hack job on him in her garage, and like he has a massive goose egg on the top of his head.  The dude should have a severe concussion from the size of that goose egg.  He needs an MRI immediately!
This guy is from the south, like Emily and if somebody gives him $5 and a ride to Dollar Cuts, he might be a contender.  We'll see how it goes.  Good lord that hair cut is a mess!

The next guy is from Utah, my home state.  He is not my favorite, but Emily thinks he's "cool" and he might be, but again he has a wacky hair do.  Maybe that's her thing.  I hope it is, because a lot of her potential suitors have dumb hair cuts.  This guy, Jef with one F, rode in on a skate board and Emily thought that was cute.  He seems nice enough so hopefully he'll make it for a few more episodes.
This haircut would not have gotten a passing grade in clipper class at the beauty college.  I just want to blend that left side.  It's painful for me to watch!
Last, but certainly not least, we have Arie, the race car driver.  Emily was engaged to a race car driver who was killed in a plane crash, so I thought she'd struggle with his profession, but she seemed to find the whole thing to be really hot.  Who can blame her?  This guy is sort of a fox and he does look really good in his race car.  I believe it's Indy car racing, if Nascar has a negative connotation for you.  I watched some Nascar with Dave a week ago and I was into it.  The last 30 minutes were intense!
So here is 30 year old Arie.  The shape of his hair cut could use some work, but that texture can be hard to handle.  All in all, I think he's good lookin' and Emily loves a fella in a fast car.  I predict these men will go far.  Now I have to watch to see how it all pans out.

Monday, May 14, 2012

Emergency Room

I had a pretty nice mothers day.  My dad invited his kids and their families to a nice dinner at a steak house.  We all went and had a really nice meal and my mom got to see her family on Mothers Day.  We finished our food and wandered back into the lobby of the restaurant.  I don't know exactly what how it happened, but the next thing I know my sweet Sasha smacks her face so hard into a table top.  I thought she got hurt, but I had NO IDEA what actually happened.  She started screaming and blood starts pouring down her face.  I grabbed a clean towel from the bar and put it over the wound.  My whole family helps us get out of the restaurant and my sister, the nurse, takes a quick look at it and tells me to go to the hospital.  I was so scared!!! 
Did I mention we have 3 more weeks before my husbands new health insurance covers us?  Of course this would happen during the waiting period!
We drive to the urgent care clinic and the nurse takes one look at the giant gash, that was once my daughters eyebrow, and tells us to go to the big hospital and ask them to call a plastic surgeon.  I am now officially freaking out!  I take her back out to the car and she is still scream crying and she begins saying, "Why can't someone just get me a bandage and let me go lay in bed?"  She says this on repeat while sobbing.  My heart was breaking into a million pieces.  There is nothing in the universe WORSE than seeing your child in pain and not being able to stop it.

We get to the emergency room and prepare for the wait.  Most ER's are chaotic, but this was ghetto night at the hospital.  There were lots of cops and bloody, hand cuffed gangster thugs.  NOT the place you want to go on mothers day, and my daughter is still sobbing loudly.  Not to mention everyone is trying to get a better look at what is wrong with her eye. 

Lets not forget that Dave is a major germ-a-phobe which makes any trip to the hospital a million times worse.   His anguish was plastered across his face.

It's finally our turn and we get a room.  The nurse guy come in to look at the wound and his reaction, causes me to feel very hot ,dizzy and sick.  I was going to pass out big time.   It was so deep and hanging open.   I can only imagine how much pain she was in.  Dave and I are SO not cut out for this kind of stuff.  We are both control freaks and sitting by, watching our child in pain is the epitome of feeling helpless.   I have never seen my child bleed like this and I hope I never have to again.  Everything felt so horribly wrong with the universe. 

She was given loritab and they put something on the wound to numb it really good.  As the medicine took effect she was finally able to calm down a little, but she was so scared.  Fear of the unknown is awful and every time she heard a the doctor mention the word stitches, she started crying again.  I would have done ANYTHING to have traded places with her.  Dave calmed her fears as much as he could but all the waiting was difficult.
It was finally her turn and she was a champ.  They had to inject A LOT of numbing stuff into it, because it was so deep.  She stayed calm and hardly moved a muscle.  I am amazed!  Slowly, the gash was being closed .  With every stitch, I was feeling a bit better.  I never want to see the inside of my kids head ever again.  The doctor did a great job and 10 stitches later my little girls eyebrow was put back together.  We were at the hospital for nearly 3 hours and we were all so happy to finally be leaving.  (I should mention that you get a huge discount if you pay your bill before you leave.  I didn't really know this about the ER.  Glad I found out before we left.)

After I got the kids put to bed, I was finally able to cry my eyes out.  In the middle of the night I went into her room and got her up to take her for a potty break.  She doesn't need me to do this anymore, but I needed to hold her tight, hug her and tell her how much I love her.  This is a mothers day I will never forget, because this is what being a mom is all about.  My love for my children is fierce and intense.  My only purpose in life is to protect them and keep them safe from harm.  This was a tiny blip on the hospital radar, but very scary for us.  Ultimately I'm just so thankful that we have two healthy, happy kids.  I'm glad she's doing better, and I hope I never spend another mothers day in the Emergency room!

Friday, May 11, 2012

Happy Mothers Day to All!

I love being a mom.  There are lots of difficult days and my patience runs out much quicker than expected, but the reward is worth it.  I grew two awesome people!  It doesn't hurt at all that these girls are my biggest fans either.  I'm really living it up right now, because some days these kids argue over who loves me more and who gets to compliment mom the most.  I realize this stage is VERY temporary, so I'm eating it up!  Happy Mothers Day to me.  I'm very lucky to spend my days with these adorable girls.
While all of that is VERY true, let's face it.  Mothers are doing all sorts of stuff they will never get credit for.  Your kids don't see your efforts and your husband or "baby daddy" will never know how consumed you are with motherhood.  I'd like to dedicate this post to all of you.  I get you!  I feel your pain.  I know there are days when you wish the lock on the bathroom door was a magical button that could transport you someplace quiet and serene.  I know you've answered the phone and hidden in your closet, hoping your children won't find you so you can hear what your friend in saying and talk in peace.  I know all this.  So here is a list of all the things I appreciate about moms.

1. I know you've made a healthy dinner and felt so great about it.  I also know that your kids didn't eat any of it and you were forced to feed them a bowl of sugar cereal five minutes before bed time.  Good for you though!  You tried your best!

2.  I know you organized all your kids toys into color coordinated, labeled bins and it looked AMAZING!  I also know that your kids destroyed all your hard work with an unruly play session.  It looked great for an hour or two.  No one saw it, but I know you did it!  Great work!

3.  You scrubbed the shit out of that carpet after your kid barfed, pooped or peed on it.  You were tired and disgusted, but you didn't let it stain your carpet.  You cleaned it the best you could and it was gross.  You will refuse to step in that phantom spot for a few months.  You don't get enough credit for this stuff, but I know you did it!

4. You found a rogue sippy cup.  You opened it and before you realized what you were doing, you sniffed it.  You just smelled rotten, curdled milk.  It was disgusting and who knows how long it had been lost behind the toy box?  I'm sorry this happened to you.  If you found this cup in your car, I feel even worse.  That sucked, but you did it.  And I also know you said, "Forget this!" and you threw it in the trash.  Good riddance!  Trash it girl.  You would never forget that the Toy Story cup had rotten milk in it.

5.  You had to get that poop out of the tub.  You had to keep your cool and get the kids out first, knowing full well that you were going to have to shower them off yet again.  I don't know your method, but I know you had to find a way to get that poop out of the tub.  You cloroxed that tub into oblivion and you had to wash the kids thoroughly.  You were grossed out, but you did it.  You always find a way.  You are a mom!

So there you have it.  I see all of you.  I recognize your efforts.  Pat yourself on the back.  You are all amazing!  And never forget that your own mother did all this crap for you too!
Happy Mothers Day everyone!

Thursday, May 10, 2012

Quarter to Dawn

Quarter to dawn is the time I got out of bed this morning.  Did I have somewhere important to be at 7:00?  No.  Did my alarm accidentally go off a 6:15 in the A.M.?  No.  Are you training for a marathon?  Hell-to-the-no!
Gee, Stefanie, why on earth would you get up that early?  I'll tell you why.  Because my 5 year old wakes up before dawn and this morning, rather than quietly playing in her room, she decided to walk into Lyla's room and throw a bunch of stuffed animals at her peacefully sleeping sister.  Which woke her up and then started a long sequence of running, squealing, giggling, stomping on the floor and eventually screaming.  Did I mention this all happened at 6:15??????


So I'm awake and I stomp directly upstairs to see what in the hell is going on.  Sasha is sprinting back to her room, because she knows EXACTLY what she's done.  I march her into her room and have a short discussion about the digital clock in her room and what the numbers on it mean.  She is VERY aware that 6:45 in the earliest she should be leaving her room, but for some reason she ignored the clock today.  I hate starting the day this way!

Did I mention that Dave, who could here a pin drop on carpet, pretended that he didn't hear any of this?  He'd rather play like he's in a coma than walk upstairs and deal with the kids.  The first thing he says to me when he eventually wakes from his coma is, "If I went to McWife and placed an order, I'd order something small and spicy.......that yells a lot."

I think I'll have a margarita for breakfast this morning.  Maybe I'll add protein powder, to really make it a meal.

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Oh I Had To


Our 10 year wedding anniversary is in a couple of weeks.  I didn't think Dave and I would really get each other gifts, because we don't really do that.  Maybe we'll go out to dinner or something, but we are NOT the type to be exchanging fancy watches.  We don't roll like that. 

The other night Dave was mowing the lawn and our older neighbor Steve came over on a 4 wheeler.  Steve is retired, but he soups up snowmobiles for a living these days.  He just does it in his garage, but I guess he's sort of a big deal in the local snow machine world.  Dave and Steve are friends.  They've gone on a few man dates and they've worked on the car a bit. 

So Steve comes over on this ATV and insists that Dave stop what he's doing and go for a spin on it.  Dave happily obliges and the next few days are filled with talk of Steve's 4 wheeler.  Dave starts browsing all the local classified ads in search of one he can purchase.  They are pricey!!!  He comes across an ad with a photo that looks familiar.  Our neighbor is selling his.  Dave wants to buy it really bad, but I'm not so sure. 

The price is a little higher than what he wanted to spend, but Steve is the guy you want to buy this sort of stuff from.  Dave doesn't want to go haggle with his buddy Steve, so he suggests that I discuss it with him.  I like my neighbor, but one morning I marched up to his front door and let him have it.  His dog poops EXCLUSIVELY in my yard and I was fed up!  So I rang his doorbell one morning and laid down the law.  I flipped out and he got it.  He is now cleaning up dog shit in my yard daily. 

I thought this put me at a disadvantage in a negotiation, but Dave saw it differently.  I told him, "Steve thinks I'm a super bitch Dave!"  My husband twisted this around and informed me that, "Steve knows you don't F**K around.  He won't mess with you."

Well I'll be damned if he wasn't right.  I told Steve my price, and he delivered my shiny ATV to my driveway 5 minutes later!  I didn't call Dave at work to share the news.  I wanted to surprise him.  He called later in the afternoon and I pretended to be really pissed off and I made it clear that we were NOT buying that "stupid 4 wheeler".

He was overjoyed when he opened the garage and found it when he got home.  We took turns riding it the rest of the evening.  This was by far the best surprise yet.  He could not believe I really got it for him.  I hope he reciprocates the favor one day because I'm going to need my own ATV.   They really are so much fun and I totally felt like a kid again.  Totally worth the money.

Side note:  For any readers who are not on Facebook, I have to share this little Sasha quote.  I had the 4 wheeler parked in our garage.  I picked up Sasha from school and when we got home she was happily surprised to find the new toy in Dave's parking spot.  I asked her if she thought her dad would like it and she said the funniest thing ever.  She said, "He's gonna barf hearts!  Rainbow hearts!  He's gonna love it!"
I can't believe I grew I this kid!  She's awesome.

Tuesday, May 8, 2012


I made a second version of this pin with slightly stronger language.  I like the dirtier one best, but humor should be an equal opportunity type of thing.  This works too....

I made the horrific mistake of calling DirecTV one day to check their prices.  They're always advertising these great prices for TV, but then you call and quickly learn the truth.   They will totally hook you up with a terrific television package for $25 a month.  But the receiver you have to rent to get the shows is like $20 a month and the rape fee is like another $20 and before you know it, they want to give you the special opportunity to pay even MORE than you're already paying elsewhere. 

The woman I spoke with was probably part of a work release program from a prison, because this lady was a fast talking, won't take no for an answer, rapist.  I told her "no thank you" at least 20 times and she kept trying to end the call with this phrase, "Okay then ma'am, I'm going to transfer you to the department that will schedule your installation.  I think we can have someone there tomorrow."   She would not hear the word NO if I screamed it in her face.  I finally just hung up and I was slightly panicked that she would find and kill me when she got paroled.  Honestly, I'm still a bit frightened, because she knows where I live!  Bad idea, lesson learned.

Monday, May 7, 2012

Tiny Difference

Library Book Panic

I opened my daughters school folder the other morning and found a troubling bit of news.  There was a sheet of paper in there with no crayon markings what so ever.  It was a notice from the elementary school librarian.  Apparently my daughter has an overdue book out. 
I've seen the book way too many times over the last few weeks.  She's read it aloud at least twenty times and I suppose I should have wondered why we've had the same book for so long.  I did ask my five year old why she hadn't traded it in for a new one and she told me they haven't been going to the library for the last few weeks.  She told me the librarian hadn't been at school for a week or two.  This sounded legit to me. 
So after I read the overdue notice I told her to find the book before we left for school so that she could return it.  This news sent SEVERE PANIC through my child.  She frantically began searching the house for the book.  I was calm because I know it's here somewhere.  We aren't hoarders or anything.  We will find it over the course of a ten minute search.  Sasha wasn't so sure.  She began ordering her three year old sister to help.  She turned off the TV and started getting loud.  The panic was intense.  She started yelling and getting mad.  I could see the start of the water works in her eyes.  She was flipping out..........over a library book. 
It was the stress of finding it in time that was making her flip out.   I wonder where she gets that from?  Oh yes, I panic when I'm trying to get out of the house on time and everything that can go wrong, does go wrong.  There is nothing worse that pulling out of the driveway, way later than planned and hearing a three year old suddenly pipe up with this little gem, "I think I got a poop coming out!"   So yes, I've taught sweet Sasha the art of the angry panic.  It's a common sight in my house and garage.
Lots of tears and a few minutes later, we found the book.  She suddenly ceased being the incredible child Hulk and returned to her normal self.  All was well and we walked to school in peace.  The book was returned, without a fee and Sasha was allowed the tremendous privilege of checking out another book.  After this experience, I can bet that we will never see an overdue book notice again. 
In all honesty though, I blame all this on the librarian.  It was she who entered into an agreement with my five year old.  I mean seriously, if I were the elementary school librarian, I would have seen this coming a mile away.  It doesn't take a psychic to see that a kindergartner might not be inclined to return a favorite book on time.  She can't even tell time.  She only learned the concept of a "week" a couple of months ago.  I can assure you though, this weeks Fancy Nancy book will be returned to the librarian first thing Wednesday morning.  My daughter doesn't take kindly to being put on blast by the librarian.

Friday, May 4, 2012

You're Doing It Wrong

Star Wars

So as you all know, today is May 4th.  Everyone is saying, "May the 4th be with you!"  I understand what this means because I haven't been living under a rock for the last 30 years.  What I'm about to say might shock you, so sit down.

I don't really like Star Wars.

Wow, I know.  This is one of the most universally loved movies of all time and it's really just not for me.  I enjoy the Yoda talk and the "Do or do not, there is no try".  I like that stuff, don't get me wrong.  However, am beginning to understand how lucky I've been to have two daughters, because boys lose their minds for all things Star Wars.  My nephews live for all the Lego sets and I don't know a single penis owner who doesn't love a good light saber.  It's a phenomenon really.

 Sidenote: I hate Lego messes and I empathize with all the Lego moms out there who are constantly stepping on Legos and trying hard not to swear.  We have two girly Lego sets and the tiny pieces get everywhere and it's ruining my life.  I see the appeal, but it's just a mess.  Dave LOVES Legos and he's thrilled that they've come out with a girly take on them.  I think he had resigned to a Lego-less life when he realized both kids were girls.  Wrong!  The girls love them too......

It's a whole different world with two girls.  Everything is princess, evening gowns, jewelery, Hello Kitty and Barbie.  Pink rules supreme and wedding planning begins in Kindergarten.  Sasha has all her children named for goodness sake.  Just the other night she heard a song that we love and asked me who sings it.  I told her the singer is named Ellie Goulding and Sasha's eyes lit up with surprise.  "What is it?" I asked her.  She smiled and laughed and said, "That is so neat because I named one of my eggs Ellie!"  That's right, my child has already began naming the eggs lying dormant in her tiny little ovaries. 

Sasha has an egg allergy (chicken eggs).  One day she was riding her bike in the driveway and she stopped suddenly, looked directly at me and said, "I'm not allergic to the baby eggs in my belly!".   That was all.  After that interesting proclamation,she climbed back up on her bike and continued riding.  This is my life with two girls.

All this being said, let me get back to my original point.  Men and boys love all things Star Wars, so you'd think there would be an entire generation of kids with Star Wars names.  I don't know a single Leia or an Anakin.  Luke is a normal name and I hear it a lot, but not with the Skywalker connection.   The Elementary schools are bursting at the seams with weirdo names, but I've yet to meet young Vader or an adorable little Amidala.  I don't understand it at all.   Where are the Star Wars kids?

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Don't Talk Or You'll Ruin It!

Can you even imagine how wonderful it would be to meet a man that looks just like the character described in your favorite book (if you're both single and ready to mingle)?  We all get an image in our minds when reading a good book. We just automatically give life to these written characters.  Books wouldn't suck us in so easily if we couldn't picture these fictitious people for ourselves.  This is also why it's sad sometimes when your book is coming to an end.

 My version of book characters don't necessarily look exactly as they're described in the books.  But still, I get very attached to these mental pictures.  This can be a real problem when my books get made into movies.  I am currently terrified of discovering who will play Christian Grey in the adaptation on Fifty Shades of Grey.  My idea of him is probably VERY different than what Hollywood will choose.  I picture Christian Bale ( not just because of the name), because I think he's super hot and I could see him having a bit of a mean streak.  My sister liked that idea, but she thought we should mix him with Adam Levine.   That addition might make him a bit younger, like he's described in the book.  This sounds like a delicious man cocktail to me!  Oh what I wouldn't give to see this hybrid man in real life!  But seriously, if a thirty year old Christian Bale were available to play that   role, it would be AMAZING!

My book men aren't always famous guys.  Most of the time I picture hybrid guys that are part celebrity, part imagined man.  Every now and again I'll picture the lead man character and I won't have any idea where I'm drawing my inspiration from.  This happened with my mental Edward (I cringe if you are reading this and you don't know who EDWARD is.  The movies didn't do him justice, but it's the vampire from the Twilight series.  Yes, I read and loved the books).  My Edward didn't have coppery hair, as that's not my thing.  My Edward wasn't freezing cold or pale white, and he certainly wasn't Robert Pattinson.  I understand that he's a vampire, but I prefer my fellas with a little color.  I certainly didn't picture a  Pauly D  vampire, but not pure white either.   I would later find True Bloods, Eric, to be my exact taste in Vampire men.  But when I read Twilight, I had no preconceived notions about what my vampires should be like. Twilight was my very first vampire book.

So I've got my vampire Edward in my mind and one day it dawns on me that my Edward is not made up at all, he is based on a man I've seen in real life.  I can't for the life of me understand why this happened.  My Edward was a regular guy that I had seen only a few times at the salon I worked at.  I figured it out one night as I was getting ready to leave the salon.  To my total surprise I look over and notice "my Edward" is getting his hair cut by my friend.  His name is NOT Edward, and I will never reveal his true identity.   He's actually now married to my friends sister, he was probably engaged to her already when this happened.  I was mortified when I put all the pieces together in my head.   The next day at work, I confessed all this to my friend and she had no choice but to pass this hilarious tidbit on to him.  I only saw my Edward a couple of times after that, but I felt like a creepy idiot when I saw him.  I avoided all eye contact. Plus I hoped his wife wouldn't feel like I was over stepping any boundaries, but it was not my fault that my mind chose this random guy and I hope she knows that the books were PG-13 at best.

  I hope he's forgotten all about this, but it's almost to weird to just forget it.  How do you just forget that some grown woman, whom you've probably never spoken to,  secretly pictures you as a romantic vampire in her PG-13 novels?  At least I can be certain he's never read the books......that helps calm my shame a bit.  What an awful trick my mind played on me.  Back to the celebrity drawing board.   At least they never have to know you're picturing them.  I used to have a reoccurring dream that my husband and I were hiding David Beckham in our basement much like Anne Frank.  He wasn't a prisoner or anything.  He was grateful that we were helping him stay hidden.  It was a wonderful dream, but I wouldn't want Victoria Beckham knowing that I dream that from time to time.  Again, not my fault!  The point being, that's it's just best if these characters aren't people we really know.

Christina's Butt

I have loved watching The Voice.  It is SOOOO much better than American Idol which I stopped watching after Simon left.  All the performances on last nights Semi finals were really good.  I am devastated to think that half of that group will be gone tonight.  I feel the worst for poor, adorable Ceelo Green.  He has Jamar and Juliet and they are both great in their own right.  That being said, I am counting the seconds until the show starts tonight!!!!!

I will admit that Christina Aguilera has been interesting to watch this season.  Her huge boobs have been on full display all season.  At first, I'll admit it was irritating and annoying.  Here I am trying to pay attention to the contestants all the while checking Christina's cleavage to see if it's finished eating the gold necklace it had been slowly devouring.  The first 4 episodes of the season were all taken from one  REALLY long day of blind auditions, so this means Christina was wearing the same outfit for all 4 episodes.  I was desperate for her to put a shirt on!

Once the live shows began, the boobs went on a roller coaster ride.  Up one week, and sagging low the next week.  They were all over the place.  Some weeks Christina looked beautiful and the next week it  was right back to the two bit whore store.

Then something entirely unexpected happened.  Christina performed one week and she completely forgot to wear any pants or skirt.  This is VERY common in the modern day music industry.  Tights are the new pants!  It's that old Cabaret, Wonder woman, leotard look.  Not my favorite.  Christina's version of this tights look was different though, because she has a big butt.  Christina is by no means a size zero.  She has much more flesh to display when she's wearing an outfit like this.

It's a lot to take in.  Tons of boobs, tons of ass, platinum blonde hair, red lips.  The look is busy to say the least.  Acceptable for her performance, but then she just sits down in her judges chair, still dressed this way and it suddenly seems weird.  But for some reason it's okay for her and I think I figured out why I sort of like all this about her.

She totally owns it.  She is full of self confidence.  I don't get the feeling that she is self conscience at all.  Christina is a great coach to her team and I think her honesty makes her a great judge.  Her approval has weight, because she's not afraid to give her disapproval.  She's kind of a big deal, and I'm not making a weight joke.  In fact, I love that she isn't pin thin.  I can't imagine how hard it would be to have a fuller figure in her industry.  She is constantly taking flack for it, but I never get the feeling that she cares.  She seems genuinely comfortable in her own skin.  To me this speaks volumes.  She is powerful and beautiful simply because she 100% believes that she is.  I'll say it again, she absolutely OWNS it.

I'm glad I've gotten to see her in this light.  I really do have a lot more respect for her because of it.  She obviously has a great and powerful voice, but I like seeing women this way.   She isn't a pleaser at all.  Just last night, she mentioned that when she does sing, she sings for herself.  She doesn't try to conform or please anyone else.  She does what she feels like doing and she does it for herself.  I always love seeing people act this way.  Confidence can do amazing things for people, women in particular.  A confident woman has all the power she'll ever need, because she's not waiting on the worlds validation.  Dressed like a skank or not, I love that about Christina and I so hope I raise two self confident daughters of my own.