Wednesday, February 27, 2013

Magical Parenting Advice

This morning was a typical hectic, fast paced, weekday morning at my house. The only thing a little bit different was that Dave was here. He normally leaves for work before the kids eat. I made the coffee, got Lyla's hashbrowns going and I poured two cups of soy milk for the girls. Lyla is a big shot four year old now, so I gave her an open cup, a.k.a. a big girl cup, in place of cup that has a lid. She doesn't always drink her milk, but I like to think she enjoys being treated like a big kid anyway.

Lyla played with Legos at the table instead of drinking her milk. Typical really. She then knocked the cup over with her elbow and it spilled all over the table, onto her chair and onto the rug under the table. Dave looked over, grumbled a few expletives (we all do it) and wiped up part of it with a towel. He then gave me the blame look because I gave her the open cup, therefore inviting this mess. I shot back with my super irritated look, which I should get a patent on because it really is that good.  I got a wet wash cloth and tried to wipe up the rest. Spilled milk sucks, but seriously we have a spill of some sort everyday and I manage to clean it up and move on. Dave is not nearly as used to it as I am. He spends his days with adults who apparently don't play with toys at the table. Lucky him!

Dave then looks over at Lyla and spouts off some of the best parental guidance I've ever heard. It was truly amazing and I knew right away that it was my responsibility to share it with the world. Pay attention as I deliver this advice word for word. He said, "Lyla, don't spill your milk anymore. Okay?" She nodded her head in agreement, letting him know that she won't spill milk anymore.

Problem solved, just like that! It was so simple. I honestly wondered why I'd never thought to tell her that in the first place. Imagine the messes that could have been avoided! "Hey tiny baby, stop doing those explosive blow out poops in your diaper. You know, the ones that shoot yellow crap all the way up your back and stain your cutest clothes. Go ahead and stop doing those, okay?" or "Hey kid, don't touch anything at school that might be covered in germs and don't get sick anyomore. Okay?" I'm excited to think of other ways I could bend this advice to fit other situations. No need to thank me, you are already so welcome.

Out of Patience

Monday, February 25, 2013

Bachelor Monday

The best part of primarily being a "stay at home mom" is that Mondays don't suck at all, especially during "Bachelor Season". In fact, I sort of love Mondays. Both kids go to school for a little bit and there is that wonderful Bachelor anticipation all day long. I realize that this statement sounds so pathetic, but I almost always have a fantastic day when I know that one of my favorite shows will be on later that night. If that isn't appreciating the little things in life, I don't know what is.

Today shouldn't be a wonderful day. I have a kid home sick from school and I stepped on a Lego (barefoot on the wood floor) so hard yesterday that the sole of my foot was gushing blood. I was in severe pain, but I was impressed by how much the bottom of ones foot can bleed. I've never cut myself there before. Stepping on Lego's in carpet is nothing in comparison that awful wound! But I digress. Today is super dull, but the thought of watching Sean's fantasy suite dates tonight has brightened every last bit of my day. I just folded all the laundry that my husband "forgot" he left in the dryer and I wasn't even bugged. That is the magic of a good show.

I have read the latest episode of US Weekly, cover to cover, and they tried to spoil my fantasy date episode. If you don't keep up on gossip magazines, the big news about Sean is that he's some sort of born again virgin so there isn't going to be any funny business inside those closed hotel room doors. I don't care. Whatever floats your boat (or not) Sean. I don't care if they make-out, chat, watch porn while snorting coke or even if they play a little scrabble.  Doesn't bother me a bit. I've watched enough Bachelor drama in my day to know that I wasn't going to see any of the get it on action anyway. I'm sure he is a virgin again (whatever that means) and more power to him. I have no doubt in my mind that he still wants to have a hardcore make-out session with each one of those girls and honestly who doesn't love a good hot and heavy make-out? That's some of the hottest stuff around. If you can recall your life's best make-out sessions, you'll probably agree. My point is that I'm just so happy to be getting my Bachelor fix tonight! This whole season has been like a good book. I want to know how it's going to end so bad, but I'll be devastated when it's actually over. It's going to be a great episode!

I CAN'T WAIT (even if Sean claims he can)!

Friday, February 22, 2013


It happens everyday

Hardcore Runner

Here in Utah, we see every season to it's fullest. It's so cold your snot freezes in February and by July you're seeing a freak mirage in the street because it's so hot and dry. Some folks adapt well to the change, acting as though weather has no effect on them. These weirdos are the hardcores.

This morning, I woke up to snow on the ground and the sky was eagerly dumping more. It's sure pretty, but you know the roads are going to icy and you have to factor in time for shoveling. It's only a few months out of the year, but still when you're running late, it's an inconvenience for sure. This morning was just that. I'm trying to get the kids in the car to get them to school and I have to hurry and do some quick cardio shoveling of the drive way. I moved the snow really fast and broke a little sweat to warm me up. Now we pull out of the driveway in a super low gear and four wheel drive in hopes that our car doesn't slide straight down the hill into the school cross walk.

We took it really slow and arrived at the first stop, the elementary school, without incident. Kids are slipping left and right and plenty of cars are fishtailing, trying to find some traction on the slick roads. I drop off kid one and proceed to pre-school. I pull out, very slowly this time, onto a super narrow road that is always really slick. It's dangerous to drive on this narrow road, but I have no choice. That's when I see it. One of the dumbest and yet most common sights to witness on this narrow, twisty stretch of road. The hardcore runner.

Try as I might, I can't figure out the thought process of the hardcore runner. I don't know if they've just seen to many Nike ads and the compulsion to "Just Do It" is tattooed on their brains. I can't figure out why they MUST go for a run in a snow storm. I guess I should admire the dedication, but the stupidity always overrides the admiration.

A glimpse into the hardcore runners mind. I'm guessing here, so bear with me:

Why don't I just glance out the window while I drink my protein shake. Oh hell yeah, a blizzard. So my run is on for sure! Now the question is what should I wear. I totally had my heart set on my fluorescent running shorts with the one inch inseam. They seem to show off the most leg possible without exposing my nut sack (and I am a heterosexual man, so that seems normal), but I'll be practical today and just wear my spandex man leggings.

Now for my route. Let's see here. There has got to be a road nearby that has ZERO sidewalks and it must be incredibly narrow. I want to ensure that I'm either hit and killed during my morning run, or at least guarantee that traffic will have to stop while I gallivant the narrows of the barely snow plowed road. I hope those economy cars have their snow tires on, because I need my space on tiny roads. OMG, I've got it! Old Post Road, and if I time it just right, I can run it during the morning school drop off! I'm so hardcore! I'm so ready to JUST DO IT! Those Ethiopians that always win the marathons have nothing on me! Now where did I put my Nike windbreaker???? Oh yes, it's hanging on my treadmill.

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

An Open Letter

I Did I Become This Person?

This morning, I dropped my child off at school. That seems normal enough. The trouble with it was my ensemble. I drove my kid to school while wearing a nightgown, pants, snow boots and a coat. My face looked dead and my hair looked like I've been camping for weeks. Oh and here's the bra what so ever. When did I become my mother? I so vividly recall being driven to school by the exact transient that I have become. My child wasn't mortified by my outfit and overall look, not yet at least. I figure I have maybe one more year of rocking the "hot mess in the morning" look until my kid refuses the ride altogether.

The only bright side of looking so bad at the morning drop off is that when you peek into the drivers seats of the other cars, half the other moms looked just as haggard as I do. Most of us will get our shit together by pick-up time. I will make an effort to be one of them. I am certain that our cute little crossing guard thinks that Sasha has two lesbian mothers. There's the homely one (who probably wears Birkenstocks) that waves to her in the morning and the put together gal (who wears gorgeous high heel boots) that waves to her in the afternoon.

 As for now, I might as well hop on the treadmill and run up a sweat because this head of hair needs washing anyway. Tomorrow I swear that I will get a bra on before breakfast and I vow to avoid wearing snow boots with my nightgown, especially when it isn't snowing and the suns out. Sorry kid, I swear that I love you and I didn't mean to become this weirdo.

Thursday, February 14, 2013

Babies Are Great But Big Kids Are AWESOME

Who doesn't want to snuggle a newborn baby? No one. I would love to spend my morning tucked in my bed, cuddled up with a sweet, little, sleeping baby.  It's thoughts like that that make me want to have another baby, but there is something so cool about having big kids too. I also like to give myself a big reality check and remember that I wouldn't have time to lay in my bed with that sweet little baby, because my job as short order cook and butler begins each day at the crack of dawn. My services are VERY much needed in the kitchen.

 I LOVE having a six year old right now. I don't have to change her diapers and I'm not terrified of her falling down the stairs. She helps me with the dishes and she's able to tell me what she wants instead of making me guess which cry means what. My oldest is becoming pleasantly more independent everyday. This morning I found one more thing I love about having an older kid, she can read. This is the first year that I was able to tuck a valentine into her lunch box. She'll get to read a sweet little card at lunch and see on paper how much she means to me. Sasha is super sentimental and dramatic in a cute way. That little card, even though it's from her mom, will mean a lot to her. All signs point to her being a hopeless romantic as an adult. I love it and it made me so happy to feed that adorable part of her personality.

I LOVE having an almost four year old too. She was so excited to fill out her Valentines cards. She woke up this morning, and ran to my room to be the first one to tell me Happy Valentines day! It was adorable. Today she's wearing her Valentine shirt and a pink tutu. She's in heaven. And on top of it all, I don't have to change her diapers either. She tells me when she's hungry, when she's tired and when she NEEDS to go home to do a little Mario Kart racing (she's a crazy good racing champion because the apple doesn't fall far from the tree). Her little girl thought process entertains me every single day. I can't wait until I can write her a thoughtful card and tuck it into her lunch box. Big kids are awesome!
Happy Valentine's Day

Thursday, February 7, 2013

I Needed These in the 90's

I do have a few to add to the pile:
You'll Do 4 Now
Selling Myself Short
You Look Hot Through My Beer Goggles!
Way 2 Much Cologne
Booty Call!
What Was Your Name Again?
U Need a Mint or 10!
U Bought Flowers at 7-11?
You Didn't Call, I Have Caller ID
Friend Zone
Not Gonna Happen...EVER
I Love Your Mix Tape!
I LOVE U...when I'm drunk
Do you "Like Me" Like Me?

Don't Want to "Hang Out"
Take Me Out!!!
Take a Hint
I Shaved My Legs 4 This?
So What Are We???
See U Around
Go 2 Hell In A Handbag!
U and Me 4 Ever...unless I find someone better

Wednesday, February 6, 2013

Bachelor Goodness!!!

That's right, 3 EXCLAMATION POINTS!!!

(Be warned, I have had almost twice my daily coffee allowance and I'm bouncing off the freaking walls right now.)
This week was a Bachelor fans dream come true. Not one, but TWO new episodes! It was big time drama and frankly overwhelmingly exciting. I almost went into convulsions when I heard the good news at the end of last weeks episode. Dave probably contemplated taking me to the emergency room. What can I say though? It was Christmas come way early and I was overjoyed. Next Tuesday night I'll feel the void, but I loved it last night!

Poor Sean has a great set of problems right now. Never in all my years as a Bachelor fan, have I seen a guy with so many amazing women to chose from. All the remaining women (except Tierra) are top notch girlfriend / wife material. This poor guy has to find some new criteria for whittling this group down. They are all gorgeous, most of them are funny and most of them love a good make-out session. I just can't imagine who he'll send home next week, besides cray-cray Tierra, but I bet he'll keep her because he has an odd infatuation with her. It's mind boggling. Doesn't he see the crazy plastered all over her?

Dave very much believes that Tierra was put there on purpose by the producers. He always claims that she was planted there to amp up the drama. I'm not blind, I see his point, but I don't think it's that tough to find a crazy drama queen in the real world. We've all seen them, we've all heard about them and some of us have, at times, been them. Myself included, when I was very young and even more immature than I am now. Sad but true. Dave's theory could be true, but I demanded that he stop saying it and just enjoy the drama she provides. I seriosly doubt she'll be in the top four.

Lindsey, Desiree, Ashlee and Catherine
I predict these will be the top four girls. I like Lesley too and I wonder if she'll replace Catherine, but so far I'm going with Catherine because she's adorable.
The Lake Louise scenery was gorgeous, but I don't know if Sean is the greatest date planner. Playing in the snow is fun (with kids and sleds), but what woman wants to play in the snow on a date, in a freezing blizzard? Not I.... but Catherine made the best of it. Her whole date just looked like it would have been freezing cold. It upset me, but maybe that's just because I was really cold when I watched it.
Then on the next group date he thought the women would like to take a freezing cold canoe ride and then finish it off with a "polar bear plunge" into the freezing cold lake. First off, canoes are sketchy and the women were all dolled up with their hair and make-up done and they all had on their cutest boots. These poor gals are in fancy date mode, not canoe and submerge your head in freezing water mode. I would be so pissed if that was my date. I hate getting my hair wet unless I have some advance warning. If I washed, dried and curled my hair, there is just no way in hell that I'm dunking myself in a lake, especially with mascara on. It's just a worse case scenario. I'd rather do anything else! I'd rather get some dental work done! Bad date Sean.
Next week they will be on the gorgeous beaches of St. Croix and I can't imagine Sean could find a way to ruin those dates, but that's all part of the fun. The great unknown! I can't wait to see what new drama unfolds for my viewing pleasure!