Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Kimmy K. and Hump

I am not even kidding when I say the finale of Kim and Kourtney take New York was riveting. I watched my tivo'd episode last night BEFORE I watched the Bachelor. That is really saying something about how easy it is to get sucked into the Kardashian vortex. I could barely handle forwarding through the commercials. I don't think I could have handled watching it live.

I was devastated! As a devout follower of US Weekly magazine, I of course already knew that Kimmy and Kris weren't gonna make it. But watching the slow, inevitable end of their union was hard to watch. Kim was mentally and emotionally out the door before she even really talked about her feelings with her new hubby. I've been married to a large, oafish man for 10 years and lucky for me I've learned a few things along the way. First and foremost, is that you MUST talk to the person you are married to. If you are having an emotional break down, you really need to let your spouse in on that info. Kim is so lucky to have sisters that she's really close with, but she really needed to be sharing her struggles with Kris. He seemed a little confused most of the time. If I saw his expressions in a photo, I would say the words, "what???" and "duh" if I had to guess what he was thinking. I'm not trashing the guy at all. I really believe that most men are in the dark about the emotional state of their women. I've not met to many young men who are really intuitive about their relationships. It's easy to get a man on the same page as you. The key is to tell him what page to turn to. That's all most of them need. A nudge in the general direction.

Poor Kris Humphries was in the dark. He logically thinks he should pack his New York boxes and have then shipped to Kim's house in LA, but Kim can't deal. SHE CAN'T EVEN DEAL WITH HER HUSBANDS BOXES OF CLOTHES! She had a panic attack at the thought of her husband moving himself and some of his things into her house. Kim isn't ready to let someone into her house and to me, that means she isn't ready to let someone into her life. It sucks for Kimmy. Hump was not the ideal spouse by any means. The two of them together were delusional about the whole thing. I wonder what would have happened if they had gotten married and just moved into a huge house together and NOT had any cameras anywhere. I think it would have lasted a lot longer. I don't know why, but it bums me out.

Sunday, January 29, 2012

Goodbye College, Hello Beauty School!

So I officially dropped out of big girl college. Where would I turn next...Beauty School! Stacey's Hands of Champions Beauty School (real name, I'm not making that up) had been quietly calling my name. I heard the whisper loud and clear and I knew this would be a great option for me. I am a notorious lover of big hair and a longtime lover of the hot rollers, so I knew it could be a good fit. After calling the school for some info and scouting the parking lot situation, I was ready for my official tour of the school. I am embarrassed to admit this, but I was a little bit intimidated by the thought of the tour. It's a beauty college, so the girls already enrolled would be no stranger to catty gossip and I would be touring the school like a piece of fresh meat on display. Nobody enjoys being sized up and judged, but it went much better than I had anticipated. I went, I walked through and it seemed like everyone was nice enough. I officially signed up and I would start classes within the week. I was super pumped to get going. You have to attend for 2000 hours total, and you can get it done in a year and a half if you really make the effort. That is an easily achievable goal and a small commitment. I knew from day one that I would finish the program. You start out in orientation with a few other girls and the occasional guy. Contrary to what might think not all the male students are gay. I was lucky enough to attend school with two who were and one who was straight as a arrow. His first few weeks of school must have been a nightmare while he was establishing his heterosexuality. But back to orientation. You are given your "doll head" and it's time to learn! In a few monthes time I was high-lighting, cutting, curling and perm rolling with the best of them. I even mastered the crazy, dangerous looking Marcel curling irons. Trust me when I say this was not easy. When you pass your orientation tests, you are unleashed on "The Floor". At this point you get to test your skills on real live, brave people, at your own little beauty station. You quickly get your regulars and they are called L.O.L's (little old ladies). Your darling L.O.L.'s come once a week to get a shampoo set. The older generation of women who wear "grandma hair", or "Q-tip hair" as I like to call it, only get their hair washed and styled once a week. This was brand new information to me at the time. You really have to know your stuff to make a LOL's hairdo last for a week. I was ready and I got some fantastic regulars. If you aren't socially retarded, you really forge lasting bonds with your regulars.. I did one ladies hair all through beauty school and I was asked by her family to style her hair after she died, for her funeral (and I totally did it, at the mortuary and everything. My best friend came with me for moral support). That's love folks.

Every afternoon you had to attend a group class called "Theory". This for me was a hour long daily affirmation that I was a GENIUS. I'm not saying I'm way smarter than most people, I'm simply saying that in a group class, that is half filled with the cast of MTV's Teen Mom, you will feel like Einstein on a daily basis if you graduated from high school. It was awesome! The owner of the school often taught this class and she must have appreciated my participation in her class, because she really started to like me. After I graduated she let me work in her salon and charged me almost nothing in booth rent. This made it so much easier to really take the time to build a clientele.

I was happy and learning more than I expected to. The education was great, but the social game was just what the doctor ordered. I met tons of new friends and the girl who is my best friend to this very day. I was, for the first time in a long time, surrounded by girls who had the same interests as me, and most of us loved to get our drink on and dance all weekend. This was the party girl mecca! There was never a shortage of drama, conversation and top notch gossip. I was in heaven! Oprah would call this time in my life "an Aha moment". I was so happy to find a little niche for myself. My identity was getting clearer and I felt like I was on the right path at the right time. I did really well in school and finished roughly a year and a half later. I came out of it with a lot of knowledge, a lot of skill, a better understanding of other women and a much stronger belief in my own ability. Finally, a hoop worth jumping through.

Thursday, January 26, 2012


Potty Training....It's Complicated

The other morning, my shower ended abruptly! Like "I guess I'm leaving this conditioner in ALL day", abruptly. What happened you ask? My two year old, Lyla, walked into my bathroom and yelled her new favorite phrase, "I NEEEED GO TOILET!!!!!!!". This is a code phrase. What she is really saying is, "You have T-minus 30 seconds to get me onto the toilet or you have some yucky laundry and emergency mopping to do. You decide your fate. The clock is ticking...19, 18, 17, 16.....". I understand her clearly. So my shower ends and it's a mad dash to the bathroom. Once she's in place she tells me to shut the door because she needs, "PRY TOE SEE" (privacy). I have no problem with any of these events because it means we are done buying diapers! Time to celebrate in every home!

Let me congratulate myself by announcing that I have potty trained my second child! And by "potty trained" I mean, she is mostly potty trained. I take her into the bathroom 50 times a day and 95% of the time it all goes as planned. She has recently decided that public restrooms aren't for her, so we are only leaving the house in 2 hour increments. If she is watching a show that is super entertaining, like say, Elmo's Potty Time, she may or may not poop her big girl panties. She wears a diaper for her nap and she usually wakes up dry. She must wear a diaper to bed at night and she rarely wakes up dry (even though I'm waking her for a potty break in the middle of the night). But like I said, she's "POTTY TRAINED"!

I hope you understand the sub-text here. Potty training a two year old is not cut and dry (pun totally intended). People love to say that they've gotten it done, but if you stick around and listen, there is always a bit more to the story. There's always a "but" or an "except". This is my opinion and it keeps me sane (don't go bursting this bubble for me).

I am a pretty good parent, but I am a complete and utter failure during the potty training process. It starts out really good. There are charts and stickers and small victories. The pull-ups are introduced and your child will slowly warm up to that idea. Next you have a totally dry day and you get ahead of yourself and whip out the big girl undies. Now you're really getting somewhere. Fast forward 5 hours and you are mopping pee off the kitchen floor and smoke is starting to come out of your ears. It's this terrible two steps forward, 10 steps back business. If you are control freak (me, me, me), your freak flag is flapping out of control at the top of the pole. You start the process again and several days into it, you try the big girl undies yet again. Then little one takes a dump in her Cinderella underwear and you just lose it. This was my reality a few weeks ago. I cried in front of my children. They weren't sure what to do at that point. I was wearing Kim Kardashian eye make-up that day and the sight of the black mascara tears running down my face was highly traumatizing for my oldest daughter. She talked me off the ledge (she's FIVE people) and I cleaned my face up and pulled it together. The minute Dave walked into the house that night, he was given the full story by my five year old before he even took off his jacket. I was feeling very stupid, but I can fully admit that I knew potty training would be my demise. I rarely ever cry, but I NEVER cry in front of the kids. After that day, I will be certain to skip the mascara all together if I'm feeling even remotely misty.
Fast forward two days and she is peeing on the pot consistently (wearing big girl panties yet again). I hate to think that my Tammy Faye Baker eyes were her motivation. I don't think I'm having anymore kids, but I swear on my life I have learned my lesson on this issue. If I had to do it again, I would try my best to relax and wait until she is ready to progress. You're never going to lay in bed at night regretting that you were too patient with your kid. LESSON LEARNED


Sweats are crazy. It's one outfit with multiple meanings. They are comfortable, warm and functional, yet put into the wrong context they can go real bad, real fast. My little family wears sweats on a regular basis. We rock them for warmth because heating the palace isn't on my agenda. My two year old can't even nap without the sweats on. Nothing too fancy here. I like mine from Old Navy, Dave's are custom made by yours truly because a freakishly tall dude with super long arms can look very silly in standard issue sweats. The kids wear Walmart Granimals sweats which are very much the bomb-dot-com if you aren't already in the know. They wash up wonderfully and they are dirt cheap, so you can buy them in every color.
Sweats at home are great. When your "at home" sweats turn into day clothes, that's when they can be interpreted in many ways. I'd say there are 3 very different messages that can be sent with this look:

1. I just left the gym sweats. This look says, " I just finished working out and my pits probably stink so keep your distance. I squat your body weight for a warm-up. Be warned, I might just throw you over my shoulders and squat you right now, just to stay loose. My hammies are burnin' and my hands are covered in calluses because fingerless leather gloves are for amateurs. I can't talk right now cause I gotta get my protein on. It's 10:15 which means one thing, sensible snack time. There's a quarter cup of raw almonds with my name on them and I gotta get the chicken out of the freezer so it's fully thawed by dinner time. I work out fool." This is obviously the only way to wear sweats in public with pride.

2.I just had a baby (within the last year). This look says, "Hey look, I refuse to wear those maternity pants now that the buns not in the oven. My pre-baby jeans don't fit at all and there is now way in hell I'm going to buy transition jeans, because I'm planning on losing all this weight by next week. I'll probably be even skinnier than before, so I'm wearing sweats now and saving all that jeans money for my new super duper skinny jeans that I'll need then. I've watched at least 3 P90X infomercials and once I work up the energy to order it, my guess is that I'll be crazy ripped in no time. If Jennifer Hudson can lose 90 pounds on Weight watchers, then I can lose 20, no problem. I'm too tired to start that right now though. I haven't slept longer than 3 hours in weeks. I've got tons of laundry to do and today's Ellen looks like it's gonna be a good one. Maybe I'll pump some breast milk while I watch it....I've heard that burns loads of calories." This is a shit time for every woman. You are dead tired, super emotional and that squishy skin that used to be your "abs" is so demoralizing. Wear your sweats in public and get through it girl!

3. I don't give a f#%! but I gotta head into Walmart for supplies. This look says, "I need me some Mountain Dew real bad, cause nothing washes down Totino's pizza rolls better. I may or may not have showered recently, but you can be damn sure I didn't exert the effort to wash my hair. I am wearing sweats as "day clothes" because they were in the pile closest to my bed when I woke up today. I dropped my self-esteem and my pride years ago. I watch every season of The Biggest Loser and I eat a sleeve of Chips Ahoy while I watch it. I don't worry about running into anyone out in public, because I look so rough that I'm nearly unrecognizable. I have no shame and I don't even own a mirror. What's the point?" This is a sad case indeed. An intervention by Stacy and Clinton from TLC's What Not to Wear, is almost the only hope for these folks.

And there you have it. One outfit, many meanings.

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

My Food Routine

I go totally Rain Man with my food and my grocery shopping. If my routine is in place, I go to "little Wallys" (Walmart neighborhood market), every Sunday afternoon. I try my best to get it all done in one trip a week. It took many years as a grown up to fine tune my grocery shopping skills. In my pre-kid days, I'd stop at the store 4 days a week and buy a box of cereal, a gossip magazine and something for dinner. I shudder to think of the money I must have wasted on impulse buys. Back then I had no idea what a reasonable price for orange juice would have been. I bet I had no problem spending $4.00 or more on a 12 pack of Diet Soda. Today, I would rather die of caffeine with drawl than spend more than $2.50 on a 12 pack of soda. Scanning the grocery store ads that arrive in the mailbox every week is not very hard to do. I don't even have to walk into the store that's having the Diet Pepsi sale, because Little Wally's will price match for me. It's almost too easy. When I get a good deal, it always tastes better. But back then I felt dirty and creeped out if I bought the "no-name brand" of anything. The words "Western Family" brought on nausea. Now that I have a family, I feel exactly the opposite. I would have long lasting buyers remorse if I walked into Fresh Market and bought everything brand name. I would probably lose sleep counting the wasted dollars in my mind. I would rather live in my fortune than eat my fortune. This is also the reason that we almost NEVER go out to dinner. You know you are a major tightwad when a dinner date with your spouse is almost is just too pricey to enjoy. The last time Dave and I went out on a dinner date, we shared a $5 foot long at Subway (we got it for free with my Subway points card) and for dessert we got two donuts at Fresh Market. The date was a night date, so the donuts were discounted as well. It was wonderful! My cheapskate husband and I are well suited for one another, so this was mutually accepted as a great date indeed. We followed it up with a trip to the Winco Grocery store where we loaded up on super cheap bags of Malt-o-Meal Mini Spooners (Frosted Mini Wheat's for those of you not in the know). Good times were had by all!
At any rate, I like to do my once weekly shopping at MY store (because I know where everything is), and usually at the same time of day. I am proud to say I have it down to a science. I know exactly what I need and I rarely stray from my mental list. This probably sucks for my family, because we rotate 7 different dinners and that's about it. I don't experiment much in the kitchen. Cooking brings me little joy. I bake pumpkin bran muffins like a pro, but that's only because I make them nearly every week. I recently started buying spaghetti squash because a good friend told me how easy they are to prepare. If she hadn't mentioned this to me, I would literally never have EVER tried it on my own.
My strict shopping works perfect for me because I need so few items for myself. I would, could and sometimes do eat the exact same menu every single day.
1. Breakfast must be Maple Brown Sugar Oatmeal, with Don Francisco Hawaiian Hazelnut coffee. I dread the mornings that Dave wants to make pancakes! I need my OATMEAL!
2. Dr. Praegers California Veggie patties (sold at that darn Costco). I am not even a vegetarian, but these are a major favorite of mine. These looked sort of gross at first, but they grew on me. I love these for lunch.
3. My T.V. time nightly snack is always Bran Flakes mixed with low-fat Walmart Blueberry yogurt. I feel not quite right if I go to bed without consuming this last meal of the day. Plus, it is crazy delicious!

I'm married to a man who wouldn't mind eating a new dinner every night, so I do try to mix it up with dinner. I think he'd get super bored if I made the exact same thing every night. He'd eat it, but I'm sure it would bother him eventually. Me on the other hand, I wouldn't mind eating oatmeal every night. I know this weird behavior is normal for a small child, I just hope I'm not totally alone in my food savant lifestyle. If you are wondering, I only eat like Rain Man. I don't have to buy my underwear at K-Mart or watch Judge Wapner at 3:00 (Underwear from Target, Bachelor whenever because it's on the DVR).

Monday, January 23, 2012


Heidi Klum and Seal Call it Quits

Though I am a firm believer that no celebrities should ever get married, especially to other celebrities, I am a bit shocked that this particular union ended. These two crazy love birds are the sort of weirdos that are always going on and on about how wonderfully happy and in love they are. Heidi never does an interview that doesn't include some wacky quote about their spicy hot sex life. They even go so far as to renew their vows every year at a beachy location. These two really seemed to have the this whole marriage thing figured out. I can almost guarantee that these two would have been married much longer if they weren't so damn rich. This is one of those times in life when too many options is a real problem. You're pissed off, and you can afford to buy ANOTHER Manhattan apartment so you hit the road. Your lawyer is on speed dial anyway so you don't even have to find one. I'm sure an iron clad pre-nup was already in place, because celebrities already know from day one that it couldn't possibly last. How many regular folks with 4 young kids can just get divorced for no reason? Regular people just couldn't afford to do it so quickly and easily, so they end up weathering the short lived storm and continuing the relationship. If Seal was beating the shit out of Heidi, I could see them needing to separate, but they have already announced that they are parting on good terms and they are still best friends. They really love and respect one another, but they say they have "grown apart". GAG, I think I just threw up in mouth a little bit!

News Flash! Guess what Heidi and Seal, best friends who love each other is about as good as it gets for a married couple with 4 little kids! What were you hoping for? I'd say being able to tolerate each other is a super successful marriage. I'd bet if the story went any further, you'd see that even Prince Charming bugs the shit out of Cinderella and vice versa. Sure it was crazy hot in the beginning ( it always is), but that is not sustainable, especially with 4 kids. I'm certain this particular celebrity duo have multiple nannies at the house that do most of the heavy lifting when it comes to raising kids, but still, young kids are professional patience drainers. I only have two and there are plenty of days that my patience runs out before 10 A.M. That is just the nature of the family beast. If you can tolerate the sight of your spouse, you're doing it right!

In all honesty, I couldn't care less about Heidi and Seal (what the hell kind of name is that anyway?) It sucks for their kids and that's about the end of that story. I'm just saying that no couple will ever be happy if their expectations are out of control high. I'm a big believer in the idea that you should expect the worst and hope for the best. I'm married to a simple guy who very much enjoys sitting in bed with me, watching T.V. after our kids have gone to bed. He doesn't seem to mind being bossed around by the three females in the house and he NEVER leaves the toilet seat up. We annoy each other almost everyday, but we've been together 12 years and I'd call it a success. This from a girl who was voted "most likely to get married multiple times" in my senior year book. Good luck Heidi and Seal, the grass won't be any greener on the other side.

P.S. I was never that girl who hoped that the prom D.J. would play "Kiss From A Rose". I think that song is totally stupid! Sorry Seal :)
And Halle Berry thinks she's going to give marriage another go with the hottie from "Unfaithful" (oh the irony) who got snow-globed to death by Richard Gere. So, I'll write another post about their divorce in two years.

I Wasn't Cut Out For College

I am in no way, shape or form against college. I will absolutely encourage my kids to go, if it fits with their plans for the future, but it's just not for me personally. I like to learn and I am capable of learning but I hate jumping through hoops. To me, college requires a lot of hoop jumping. I conformed to it just fine in high school. I did well in High School and I just assumed that I would go to college because that's what's expected after graduation. I guess I wasn't super pumped about the education portion of college, because I only applied to one school and it just happens to be the one that is closest to my mothers house (no moving necessary which also means no real commitment). I figured I would become a nurse because my sister did that and it seemed like a good choice. They make good money and seems like there is job security there. And wouldn't you know it, that particular college I chose had a really good nursing program. I did the prerequisites to apply for the program, but I never did turn in the application. I had to drop out of school suddenly, without much notice. I had reached my breaking point!
I couldn't deal with the parking situation any longer!
The school was a commuter school so parking was always an issue. It's cold as shit here in the winter and at age 19 I wore shoes that looked really good with my outfits, instead of going the "practical" route. Also, I hate getting my shoes wet. I have a major pet peeve about water being were it doesn't belong. This can be a real problem if it snows. If all this happend now, I would wear water proof snow boots and walk the distance. Now days I would consider it mandatory exercise that would be required everyday. Two birds one stone. But I wasn't interested in parking a few miles away and walking long distances in my sassy shoes, with my heavy backpack. So obviously I had one option and that was to just suck it up and buy an expensive parking pass. What I did not know at the time, was that the school would sell 1,000,000,000 parking passes (give or take), but there were only 100 (give or take) parking spots in the lot. You can imagine the swearing that this situation produced. I made a real effort to be patient and park legally for the first few weeks. I guess everyone started class by 9:00 so all the spots were long gone by 9:30. I don't like to be late, so anger and frustration took over. ENOUGH WAS ENOUGH! From that point on, I blurred the parking rules a bit. "Well there aren't any lines painted right here, but there is just enough room for my car, so I'll park here. No one will notice." They noticed, and I started getting tickets. I paid a few and then I was just too pissed to continue. It was mid-semester and I returned to my car to find yet another ticket. I drove down to the administration building, parked in a faculty spot, marched through the doors and withdrew from school. And that was that. First attempt at higher education done! Nailed it!

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Speaking of Celebrity Fit Club

Sebastian Bach! Not the composer, the former front man of the horribly named hair band, Skid Row. Sebastian was my lead singer du jour (I'm not ashamed to say this at all, because we all have one, mine just didn't happen to be Bret Michaels like yours was). After attending the Guns'n'rose - Skid Row concert in 1991 I was absolutely certain that I was madly in love with Sebastian. I thought he was the only dude on the planet that I could ever marry. I recall being super angry with a young male friend of mine who suggested that I wouldn't ever even meet him, let alone marry him. Seriously I was furious. This friend of mine was in love with Paula Abdul and lucky for him, she held up very well over the years. She may be certifiably CRAY CRAY, and she might take elephant tranquilizers, but let's be honest. She looks amazing for her age. So there you are Nik, you take the prize.

Fast forward twenty years to Sebastians stint on Celebrity Fit Club and it's safe to say I'm overjoyed that it wasn't meant to be. The years have not been especially kind to him, or his liver I'm sure. He's a "high miler". Which is to say, he's not super old, but he has way more miles on him than he should at this point. For instance, you aren't going to buy a 2001 Honda Civic with 400,000 miles on it. It's just not a good buy, even for a Honda. Most hair band lead singers age very badly. I suppose it's the drugs, alcohol and the AIDS that probably takes a toll on their former good looks. Bret Michaels (from the hair band Poison and the VH1 shame show "Rock of Love",if you've been living under a rock) is one of the few exceptions to the rule. He wears hair extensions under that bandanna, and I'm sure he is no stranger to the MAC counter. If a man that age is wearing eye liner, you can bet your bottom dollar that he's wearing foundation as well. But I'll give him credit, he looks surprisingly good for the life he's lived.

Back to Sebastian though. He did alright on Celebrity Fit Club, but there was no way he was gonna log enough time on the elliptical to erase the damage that had been done to his androgynous rocker face. He lost a few pounds but he didn't win me back. He did however make 8 weeks of Sunday nights fantastic, because I love to watch celebrity train wrecks! I will make it official and say that as a young girl, I did not have good judgement when it came to the fellas. Only 2 out of my top 5 celebrity crushes turned out to be a good pick.
1. Kirk Cameron- Out of his mind Crazy
2. Cory Haim - DEAD
3. Sebastian - Bloated and overall very icky (if you didn't gather that already)
4. Jordan Knight of New Kids on the Block - Not bad, not bad at all. I don't normally want to see a 40 year old man dancing and touring with the Backstreet Boys, but seriously, he is looking really good in comparison to the first 3.
5. Johnny Depp - My pride pick! The best thing that ever happened to the universe.

Shame Shows

What is a Shame Show?

A shame show is a program that you watch religiously, but you don't really need anyone to know you watch it. You're not going to go into the office on Monday and yell, "Oh snap! Did you see that crazy shit on Kim and Kourtney Take New York?". If your spouse were to see your shows title on your DVR, you would be sort of embarrassed and you might feel the need to explain why you needed to record it. No amount of explanation can really justify your show, because of course it is a Shame Show.

A perfect example would be MTV's Teen Mom, or the dreadful, yet riveting, 16 and Pregnant. These shows are awful. We shouldn't want to watch them, but we do. I shouldn't want to pay any attention to the mind boggling horribleness that is Teen Mom 2's Janell, but I watch anyway. How does that terrible whine box, Farrah, pay for a boob job on her meager pizza making wage? Why do her parents help her out, even though she is AWFUL? I suppose it's these questions that make me watch.
Another example would be VH1's Celebrity Rehab or my favorite, Celebrity Fit Club. It's on VH1, so there is automatic shame from that alone. Add the word Celebrity to the shows title and you can be CERTAIN you are watching a shame show. The Biggest Loser would be considered a normal show, but if a celebrity from a long time ago got chubby and you enjoy watching them workout and swear......that makes it a shame show.

Lucky for me, my husband loves me enough to have become a Jersey Shore convert (that is a major addiction), but there is no way in hell he's going to settle in for an episode of Tori and Dean. It just isn't going to happen. Dave doesn't care if Tori Spelling is stressed about concealing her baby bump. Dave doesn't want to watch Dean take on the wild world of culinary school. I don't expect him to watch it. I wish it didn't hold my attention the way it does.

This leads me to the mother of all my shame shows and it is Kim and Kourtney Take New York. I didn't want to watch it at all.....that is until I shamefully watched the 2 part Kim and Kris Dream wedding extravaganza. It was riveting! I knew the marriage was over long before they walked down the aisle. I can't believe the wedding wasn't called off! I'm thrilled they went through with it because the demise of the marriage is the main reason I'm watching Kim and Kourtney in the first place. It's a slow motion train wreck every week. I will totally admit that I am counting the seconds until this Sunday's finale. I will be devastated as soon as it's over. I will mourn the loss of the show. I will experience painful with drawls, much like those first few days after Bachelor Pad ends. It's not going to be easy. If anyone else on the planet goes through this shame, just know that I'm there with you every step of the way.


19 Kids and Counting is one Shame Show that I can officially say I WILL NEVER WATCH!
It's time to "pull out" Jim Bob....if you know what I mean.

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

The Costco Experience

I like Costco, I really do, but....
I don't know if every Costco is like my Riverdale store, but I have to say the parking lot is a nightmare. I'm utterly shocked that it's not the official murder capital of the world. The layout is idiotic and it doesn't seem to matter what time of day I go or even what day of the week I pick, but there is NEVER a parking spot even remotely close to the entrance. Let me rephrase that. There is never a non handicap parking spot available. It's as if Costco is hosting the para-Olympics. I can't imagine that 100 handicap vehicles would need to park there all at once, but I've never conducted a real scientific study on this. When I say handicap, I mean people who actually cannot walk, not these folks whose handicap status would be ended by a stint on "The Biggest Loser". If someone falls into the "to chubby to walk" category, I'd say Costco is the last place you need to be, followed very closely by the Chuck-o-Rama buffet. I'm not trying to be insensitive, but you know you've thought the same thing one hundred times before.
There are tons of people who just stop their car near the entrance and pray that a car might miraculously disappear from a spot. I want to scream at these idiots! Most people who shop at Costco move at a snails pace as it is, so there is no way in Hell that anyone is going to rush to unload their lifetime supply of mayonnaise just so you can get the money spot. It seems like I arrive at the parking lot in a good mood, but that's where the good mood ends.
I then walk into the store and there is all this confusion about the need to show your card. I personally don't want to fish my "membership" card out of my wallet to show it to the greeter. I feel sort of victorious when I waltz though the doors, like I own the place, without presenting my card. It's not as if it's illegal to walk inside the building without one, right? Why do I need to show proof that I'm a member at the door. If I want to buy something, I'll show you my special card at the register.
Then there are the weirdos who act like they aren't sure if they need a cart. How can you be confused about getting a shopping cart? Unless you're some sort of power lifter, training for a competition, you NEED a cart. Are you really gonna browse through the store while holding your 20lb. bag of frozen chicken and your 60 rolls of toilet paper? Even if that was you plan, you're screwed when you get up to the check out line. You'll be in line 10 minutes at the very least!
Besides, you need a cart so your hands are free when you walk up to the sample cart and act as if you've never tasted yogurt before. "What's this strange creamy paste? Oh yogurt you say? Well I'll have to try this and form my first opinion about it. Delicious indeed, but I don't know if I'm ready to invest in 52 individual containers of it. That seems like a big commitment."  I watch people approach the sample table and notice that they are careful NOT to make eye contact with the person working the station. As if Edna is going to take it super personal that you don't actually buy the super sized container of what she's sampling. I hate when people pull that stupid act. It's like come on fools, you PAID for a membership! Those samples aren't free, you just forgot that you paid for them earlier in the year. I take every single "non-disgusting" looking sample they offer. Hell, I practically ate lunch while shopping the other day. And I don't even pretend that I'm going to by 65 sausage links. But thanks sweet old lady for preparing them for me in your little portable toaster oven! Now if you don't mind I'm going to head up front and pay a small fortune for all this crap that will undoubtedly never fit in my freezer. Then it's on to the old man who doesn't count any of the items in my cart, but makes a magical pen mark on my receipt that somehow makes it okay for me to leave the building with all this crap I already paid for.

The Golden Globes Fashion

I couldn't care less who wins a Golden Globe and who doesn't. It makes no difference in my world. I did want Ryan Gosling to win one, for one reason....

But really, who cares (maybe the actors and their agents)? I just like to see what everyone wears. Do I like it, do I hate it? That game! So here goes, and I don't care what's "in style" or what's "trending". I just know what makes me say "Oh yeah, she killed it tonight"!!!!
Madonna looked like lean roadkill. I HATE FINGERLESS GLOVES always! I even think they look stupid at the gym and I'm pretty sure that's the only place that they might even be necesary. I am also baffled how a woman with barely any boobs could screw up the cleavage portion of this dress. If your boobs look like they are being stragled to death, that's a good sign that the dress doesn't fit right. I must confess that I know exactly why this catastrophe happened...."yes men". She seems like a mega bitch and she's also super famous, so everyone around her tells her yes all the time. It's the same reason that Michael Jackson ended up looking like the ugliest doll in the Marie Osmond collection....no one close to him ever said, "WHOA Michael!!! Stop the @#$%!* madness already. You look like shit dude!" So there you go. Madonna ends up wearing this atrocity out of the house.

Reese Witherspoon looked gorgeous! Her dress is pretty good, and it fits her well. The show stoppers of her look are her kick ass volumunious hair and her smile! She looks happy. She doesn't look like a miserable bitch all dolled up for a party. She was bubbly and happy to be there and seriously, her hair was the bomb. Soft, movable and just the right amount of "big". LOVE IT!

Angelina Jolie looked hungry...seriously malnourished. Her dress is alright, but her arms are cying out for a sandwich. I know she's super into humanitarian work and i think that's wonderful (really I do), but the starving kids of the world aren't gonna get any fuller because you refuse to eat a snack. They probably think you're stupid for not eating all the food you have access to. Not to mention, I'm certain Brad would appreciate a little more meat on your bones (he certainly does in my fantasies).

For me, the latin blood really took home the prize. Selma Hayak, Sofia Vergara and even good Jessica Alba. Selma's boobs should win an award just for showing up! These latin ladies killed it in my opinion.

The Bachelor

I love watching the Bachelor. Believe it or not, this is not one of my SHAME shows. I watch it with pride and I wake up Monday morning with a smile on my face, because I am so pumped that it's Bachelor Monday! My husband loves this day too. He likes the show, but he loves to watch me watch the show. I am totally in my element. It's just great T.V. The women are trying to impress and be on their best behavior, but they can only put on the show for so long, and then shit gets real. Women aren't crazy, they are emotional and it's real. They go on this show and they want to find "love", but more than anything they want to WIN. The lines get crossed so completely. The type of women that ends up on the show are usually in their mid-twenties and most of them have never been married and they still believe so intensely in the fairytale of it all. It's like they've been window shopping for love and marriage. They've all seen what they think it looks like and what they think it must feel like, but they've never been in the store, so they don't really know what it is that they are shopping for. They've never felt if the fabric is soft or itchy? Does is smell nice or does it stink like silk? Most importantly, does it fit? Could you live in this beautiful thing you've seen through the window? They don't know, and they don't care. They want to be chosen. It sounds so stupid and so competitive, but that's all it is. They just want this one man to chose them instead of the other 24 girls. They want to feel special. EVERY woman everywhere wants to feel special. Singled out as "the one". I sit at home (with my husband no less) and giggle as I watch it happening, but I understand what they are looking for. The fact that there are 25 women to one man makes it extreme and over-the-top and ultimately VERY ENTERTAINING. The women are basically trying to sell themselves (not like prostitutes) and their best qualities to this man, just hoping that they will be chosen. To be chosen on television is the ultimate prize. It tells every ex-boyfriend, every old crush, every bitch from your high school that you are valuable. You are worthy. You are SPECIAL. Now try not to watch that. It's hard to turn away.
The next spin off show should absolutely be about what happens AFTER you are chosen.... That's when it really gets interesting. Are you glad this dude chose you? That show would be called "Married Life. Am I certain this is what I wanted?"