Monday, December 31, 2012

New Years Resolution

As the new years resolution season begins, I urge every woman to understand this critical lesson.  You'll never look like the women in the Pinterest fitness motivation photos unless you begin with the basics. SURGERY and a TANNING BED! It never hurts to be 20 years old too.

Fiscal Cliff

I found this on Facebook and thought it was great.

Thursday, December 27, 2012

A Brand New Holiday!

I've had a few secret meetings with the powers that be and I think it's time to reveal what I've got in the works. I've proposed a new holiday. It's tentative title is "Clean-mas". We've been tossing around a few dates for this fantastic new holiday and I felt strongly about January 25. That way even the hoarders will have a chance to celebrate the first official Clean-mas.

I suppose I should back up a bit and explain Clean-mas. The basic concept goes like this. You get Christmas all wrapped up and you then begin your Clean-mas preparations. You have a solid month to put away all your Christmas decor and then you just start cleaning and organizing your house until the actual day of Clean-mas. It's just as much fun as decorating a Christmas tree, only better, because you don't need to un-organize after Clean-mas. On the actual holiday, you don't have a single thing left to do. It's a day for the un-medicated freak shows to relax and enjoy themselves. Clean-mas produces ZERO mess and ZERO stress. You do nothing on Clean-mas and it's glorious.

You do a little cleaning and organizing prep everyday in January and then you really go hard on January 24th, because the next day is the celebration and you don't want to feel a nagging sensation to vacuum on Clean-mas. When the glorious day arrives, you should already have ALL of your dishes washed and put away, and ALL of you clothes washed and put away. On Clean-mas Day, you use paper plates, plastic Solo cups and plastic forks. You use those exclusively on Clean-mas, that's the economic boost from my holiday, because there can be NO cards sent out for Clean-mas. It would totally defeat the purpose. No mess can be produced on Clean-mas day!!!  The postal service will have a the day off as well. No junk mail or bills on Clean-mas.

Everyone eats a pizza on Clean-mas. You must use your paper plates and paper napkins. When the pizza is finished, the dirtiest person in the family has to step up and carry the box and paper products out to the recycling bin. Then you sit down on a couch and watch an entire movie without getting up to do anything else. If you like, you can lay down on your clean carpet and just soak in the done-ness. Really help the freak shows to enjoy the day by reminding them that there is nothing in the dryer that needs folding and the sink and dishwasher are empty as well. All men are required to sit down for any peeing on this special day. It seems silly, but the person in the family that cleans the bathrooms will feel a true sense of serenity from that single act of kindness. I am already in the Clean-mas spirit! I can't wait until January 25th!

Wednesday, December 26, 2012

The Best Gift for My Parents (EVER!)

Christmas 2012 was awesome. First, we had the perfect amount of fresh snow, and second, my family lives within a two mile radius of each other so the snow didn't stop us from getting together. We always go to my parents house for a Christmas breakfast, and the grand kids exchange gifts. It's always casual, low key and a great way to spend Christmas. I like the late breakfast party, because then you have the whole rest of the day to hang out at home and let the kids enjoy their new toys, without being on a schedule.

This year was much the same. The breakfast was wonderful and the kids enjoyed opening their gifts, but then my brother brings out a large present for our mom. She opens it slowly and we all discover my brothers genius gift idea: a really nice record player. It took a couple of minutes to hook it up to their  high quality stereo system (if you came to one of my parties back in the day, you would agree) and VOILA, we were ready to rock.

My folks have a shelf in their living room that is full of some of the best records from the 70's and 80's. All these albums have just sat on the shelf for years and years, waiting for the day that a new record player would appear. Well yesterday was the day and they got some serious play. My mother has every Barbra Streisand, and Linda Ronstadt record known to man. There were also plenty of Elton John, Foreigner, Bob Seager, Fleetwood Mac, Eagles, Carpenters and Heart to be found. Even some obscure stuff like Ambrosia and April Wine, that I am not to familiar with. She loved these records enough to keep them, despite no longer owning anything to play them on. Tucked inside one of her Elton John records, was a copy of People Magazine from 1975, with Elton on the cover. That magazine has been in the family longer than I have!

She's had these great old records for so many years and sadly, I think I had a lot to do with the demise of the original record player. I recall it being taken down to the then unfinished basement many, many years ago. The unfinished basement was my own personal roller rink way back when. I played our autographed Tiffany record over and over again while I skated all over the basement concrete. Though I couldn't find it yesterday, I'm certain we had a Wham record that was also on my roller rink play list as well.

The new record player was the main attraction at the Christmas morning celebration. Hearing "Barracuda", blast through my parents speakers, was an absolute joy. We followed it up with "The Devil Went Down to Georgia" and they even let me have a moment to dance to "I Think We're Alone Now" by Tiffany. It was AWESOME!!! My dad put on an old Bob Seager record and it was so nice to watch these old songs fill him with memories. He was listening to a lot of those old songs on an 8 track player in his truck when he and my mother were first married. Songs and smells are so great for taking you on a vivid trip down memory lane. My parents were so happy with the gift my brother brought for them. I don't know how he came up with a such a great idea, but he did and he knocked it out of the park. No one could ever top that Christmas present. I love my family and I'm so thankful that we live so close to one another. It was a wonderful Christmas.

Saturday, December 22, 2012


I suspect that I suffer from a mild form of adult Attention Deficit Disorder. I'd say it's mild, only because it doesn't cause me any problems, but it's really annoying. Like for instance I'll load the dishwasher, and then I'll shut the door and walk away without starting it. The next morning, I'll pry myself away from Words With Friends to unload it, only to find that "Damn it all to hell!", I never started it. This happens to me at least once a week. The same variation happens with my laundry as well. I just get distracted very easily and forget what I was supposed to go back and finish.

A few nights ago I went to a holiday party with all my old friends from elementary school. It started at 6:30, but my husband wasn't home from work yet, and I needed to get my kids bathed and somewhat ready for bed before I left. By the time I was ready to do my two minutes of make-up and clothes prep, it was already 7:30. I ran into my closet, threw some haphazard outfit on, and applied some lip gloss. I peeked in the mirror and thought I looked good enough, minus the three year old daughter that was hanging from my neck, spider monkey style. At some point before I left, I decided to put on my wedding ring and earrings, just to look a bit more put together. My hair was a sad sight indeed. It had looked fabulous earlier in the day, but I had stood in the steamy bathroom through two kids' showers and I now looked all "melted" to say the least. There was no time for improvement on that front, so I wiggled my way out of my daughters "choke hold" and left my house loaded down with that horrible guilt that mothers know well.

It was so fun to see all my childhood friends. Some of them I see every few weeks and others, I only see once a year. Catching up with everyone is something I very much enjoy. There is NEVER an awkward silence at a gathering like that.  It's the type of event where you start saying your goodbyes and you actually leave an hour later.

So when I finally made it home, my husband was already asleep and I got ready for bed in the dark. I took out my left earring only to find that my right earring was missing. I'm not jewelry obsessed, and my big, dangling earrings were only $15.00, but still I like them a lot and I was sad that I'd lost one. I was bummed out about it the next day too, that's how much I like those big, gold earrings. 

About ten minutes ago, I found my lost earring. It was sitting in my jewelry dish in my bathroom. It wasn't lost at the party. It never attended the party. This is when it hit me that I don't have the attention span required to put in two earrings. I wore one huge gold earring and never bothered putting in the other one. It was nice to find that I hadn't lost one, but it's annoying that I can't finish such a short and simple task without getting distracted. It makes me wonder what kind of a mess I'll be when I'm older and a bit more senile. At least I won't be aware enough to care.
This is not me, and certainly not my earring, but this is what you imagine you'd look like, wearing only one. NO BUENO

Friday, December 21, 2012

Should've Thought of this Sooner...

Time Suck

                                              What am I doing on the internet right now?

Monday, December 17, 2012

I Wanna Be a Cowgirl

Over the weekend, Dave and I took our girls up north to visit Smith and Edwards. It's a super old, giant store, that carries just about anything you would ever need to be a cowboy or do some outdoor recreating and it has a huge section of Army Surplus. It's oddly cool to check out everything in that department. I don't particularly need an official US Navy sailor hat, but I like knowing that I can get my hands on one in a pinch. The store is NOT fancy,and it's NOT modern, but it's awesome. I'd say most people in Northern Utah have a soft spot for this crazy old store.

You get the idea that I really like it there, but I haven't even mentioned the best part. The people watching is out of this world. There are some serious "time capsule" people wandering the aisles.  I saw a woman that was maybe forty years old, but she was straight out of 1985. She was wearing what the hipsters call " an ugly Christmas sweater", but she wasn't trying to make anyone laugh, it was her legitimate outfit. She had on some L.A. Gear shoes, and her jeans were a shade shy of acid wash. Her hair was classic eighties, as was her make-up. I'm not making fun of her at all. I was in awe of  her really. She's a simple, old school, country gal. A walking page out of fashion history. I was so into it. She looked genuinely happy.

There were also the typical modern women dressed in the day hooker look that I don't understand. I don't see any reason, fashion or otherwise, to wear leggings, and thigh high boots and a shirt that exposes one full shoulder,  for a  mid-morning shopping trip to Smith and Edwards.  That's not fashion to me, that's just weird. The line between streetwalker and Christmas shopper isn't the least bit blurry to me, yet I see many confused ladies strolling the aisles at stores.  Save your club look for the club. It's wreaks of desperation during the daylight hours, especially at the "county boy store".

Maybe the sight of those  skank ladies made me so pleased with the time capsule 80's lady. She and her cowboy husband were having a grand old time Christmas shopping.  Dave and I found ourselves secretly longing to be a legit old school, country, cowboy family.  Sometimes I just want to go back in time to a simpler time. With no internet and no constant news coverage. Just old fashioned farmer times.  I would love to see us all dressed up in the Wranglers and western shirts, with our cowboy boots and Stetson hats. Maybe we'd have a little land, with all the farm animals and some crops. It just seems like a cozy, safe lifestyle. I mentioned this to my family on the car ride home and they were all into it. Sasha asked me again today if we could just turn into cowboys and cowgirls sometime soon.  Maybe all the horrible stuff on the news prompts me to want that life, or maybe it's the massive Johnny Cash kick we've been on lately. I can't pinpoint it, but I find myself longing for that alternate life. I wonder if it exists anymore?
I would dress like this EVERYDAY, and I would love every second of it! This chick looks like a badass!

And now for a giggle. My friend, Brody Jerman, shared this photo on my Facebook wall. He took this photo back in the summer (I suspect his wife should be worried). He saw this ad in the window at Smith and Edwards. It's real and hilarious. The hillbilly is the front window at Smith and Edwards, in case you were wondering. If this doesn't tell you how awesome this store is, I don't know what would ever convince you.

Latter Day Saint, Divorced White Male (NOT RICH!), and he knows a little Espanole!

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

When Your Newborn is Still a Stranger

Now that Sasha leaves the nest everyday for school (forced out of the nest, kicking and screaming) I'm getting a lot more one on one time with my younger child. Lyla and I are very much enjoying all this time together. I am again reminded how easy every errand and task can be with only one child in tow. It always amazes me how well my kids do without each other. The behavior is wonderful when it's one parent one kid, but when they go out in public together, squealing and mischief can be expected.

This time alone with Lyla also reminded me of those first few days at the hospital with her, right after she was born. I just hung out in my hospital room staring at this brand new baby. Dave was at home with our older daughter and I was recovering from a C-section with the company of this tiny little stranger.  I just kept thinking the same thought  over and over again, "Who are you little person? I don't know anything about you."

At that point, I had already developed such a deep bond with my first child who was roughly two and a half years old. I knew her, I understood her.  Her personality was  very clear to me and it's the kind of thing that bonds a mother to her baby. That understanding that no one other than their parent could have of a child that young.

In hindsight, I didn't know anything about my first baby when she was born either, but it was my first time ever having a baby, so I didn't know any better. But the second time around, it was very clear that I didn't know anything about this little girl that had just been removed from my abdomen. It was all compounded by the fact that she looked nothing at all like what I had been expecting. For whatever reason, my limited imagination had expected baby number two to be an exact carbon copy of the first one. They were both girls, so why on earth wouldn't they be identical? You can imagine my surprise when a six pound, tiny headed, mini baby emerged from from my belly, when I'd been expecting to see an eight pound, block headed, robust baby. This new baby was also sporting a peach fuzz covered head while I was anticipating a full head of dark hair. She was adorable, but it was so unexpected.

 Mind you, I'd had a C-section, so I didn't get to see my baby right away. When I was finally handed a baby, I thought she was so tiny and adorable, but I wasn't entirely certain that I'd been handed the right baby. My only eyewitnesses of the actual baby being pulled from my mid-section were my sister, who was admittedly on Ambien, and my husband who threatened to pass out several times during the surgery. We were all, tired, surprised and confused about this freak 3 A.M. C-section, but they assured me that this was in fact the same baby that had been pulled from my midsection. She grew to have many bizarre food allergies, so now I know for certain that she is mine and I have fallen madly in love with her. It all leaves me wondering what in the world a third kid would be like.  What would that one look and act like?  The possibilities are endless and I want to have a sneak peak at their quirky personalities and mannerisms.  I sort of think I'll be left wondering that for the rest of my life. I'm sure every parents wonders about these things. I don't think I'm crazy enough to find out the answer. These kids are a lot of work.

Monday, December 10, 2012

Red Box Battles

When I was younger, I had a high tolerance for dumb movies. I could sit down and watch a "Man movie" without much complaint. I don't know what changed, but I really can't tolerate watching dumb man movies anymore. I think the Lord of the Rings pushed me over the edge.  I don't want drama and science fiction, I want comedy. If I'm going to sit still for two hours, I want to laugh. FYI, I can't deal with many movies that are longer than two hours. I always check how long a movie is before I'll watch it. Who has 3 hours for one movie? I don't have the time, the patience or the attention span for it. I'm sure Lincoln is amazing, and The Hobbit will be a game changer for every mans inner nerd, but I won't know, because I won't see them. I just want to laugh to the point that I risk snorting or peeing my pants. That's what I call entertainment.

This new development is tough for a marriage. Dave and I like a lot of the same movies, but we do find ourselves having Red Box battles. I'm no idiot. I don't even try to persuade Dave to watch "What to Expect When You're Expecting" or "Magic Mike". He won't have it and I hate forcing someone to watch a movie that I know they'll hate.  I kills all the joy.

 I secretly wanted to see Rock of Ages, but you bet your butt I waited for a night that I knew Dave wouldn't be home to watch it. I'm so thankful I did, because three minutes into the movie I remembered that aside from Grease, I hate musicals. Though I was tempted to turn it off a million times, I did finish the movie, but it was painful. I am very married to the original versions of ALL 80's rock songs. I'm still dumbfounded about the casting of Tom Cruise for the roll of the jaded rock star. Sebastian Bach, of the hair band Skid Row, had a small cameo in the movie and he would have been perfect for the lead role. Plus....he can actually sing, but I guess that's not super important to the casting director of a MUSICAL!!! Again, I'm just so thankful that Dave didn't see one single second of Rock of Ages, because I would never live that one down.

Our most recent battle was Promethius vs. That's my Boy.
I new from the first two seconds of the Promethius trailer, that Dave would be all over it and I would hate it. That type of movie is exactly what he's drawn to. He's looking for anything Alien or Predator like. I can deal with those two movies, but new movies aren't ever going to replace those classics. I blame technology. Special Effects are getting way too over the top and movies rely to heavily on them.  I want entertainment, not a display of what your computer is capable of. I assumed that Promethius would be full of that crap.

I was pushing for That's my Boy, not because I thought it looked Oscar worthy but because I knew it would be filled with the crude humor that I find hilarious. I should mention that it got horrible reviews, but I was willing to take that gamble for a good laugh. I guess I pushed the issue, because Dave finally gave it.

This was a huge risk. There is almost nothing worse in a relationship than fighting to see a movie that ends up being horrible. Dave and I make sure to never forget the others bad movie selections.  Those need to be stored in the vault and used as ammo when a Red Box Battle begins.

Adam Sandler usually let's me down, but not this time. That's my Boy was crude and filthy and so freaking funny. Yes, it was over the top on a lot of the jokes, but we laughed and Dave stayed awake for the entire movie (wow, this almost never happens). I would not recommend it to anyone, because I don't want people thinking I'm a disgusting pervert, but I was entertained.

Dave did push for Promethius on the next go round and he got his wish. I was told it was stupid. I was wise enough to do a little reading and Facebook gaming that night, so I got to skip the whole thing.  I'm sure the next movie he wants to see will be the new Batman. I would fight it, but Christian Bale is very attractive so hopefully his good looks alone will help me get through that one. Thank you Mr. Bale for making movie night a little bit easier.

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Victoria's Secret Fashion Show

What, exactly, is the reason for the yearly Victoria's Secret Fashion Show? I watch approximately fifteen minutes of it each year and in that short span of time I'm filled with question after question about the possible reason for such a spectacle.

First, I wonder why I've never seen ANY of the "fashion" that's showcased in the Victoria's Secret store? Is there something wrong with all the stores I've visited or is this happening all over the world? Sometimes I find myself needing to buy a 5'x5' set of white glitter wings attached to back pack straps and I run into their store in the mall and I'm stunned that they are not available. And last summer I went to the store looking for a tiny string bikini made entirely of candy (and the matching candy wings, obviously) and there wasn't a single one to be found. You can imagine how stupid I felt up at Pineview Dam all summer  in a normal Lycra bikini. Sure it was more practical, but I just felt so out of touch with "fashion" as a whole. Maybe I can make-up for it this spring. Surely I can find some of those thigh-high yellow rain boot stilettos and the matching yellow vinyl capelet. I'll just check online today for those Spring must haves. This would be ideal for walking my daughter to school on a drizzly day!  If I don't have any luck with that ensemble, maybe I could at least find some lingerie lederhosen that I could wear to October Fest.  I KNOW those have to be available in the catalog.
My three year olds reaction to this photo. "Hey that's inappropriate!"
Absolutely right kid!

My next big question about the big VS Fashion show has to do with how women are left feeling after watching the show? Are they grateful that they had the chance to watch these starving, amazon beauties showcase their spray tans and body contour make-up? I know I don't feel that way post show. I feel like shit about myself for a few minutes, then I feel irritated that any woman could be made of DNA that allows her to be six feet tall, devoid of fat cells and muscle tissue. To add insult to injury, they alway produce at least one svelte model that has given birth within the last 8 weeks and she's already looking runway ready. Maybe next year they can find some Brazilian model that gives birth to twins the night before the show and then she walks the runway in a bra and panties, looking like total anorexic perfection. They are going to have to find this woman! I'm no longer impressed with these bitches that have 6 full, postpartum, weeks to get their shit together. That's so 2008!

There are really two reasons that Victoria's Secret holds the fashion show.

1. This is a perfect event for the svelte and gorgeous to show off for each other. Much like Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie in "Mr. and Mrs. Smith", but on a larger scale. The music industry would come to a standstill if long legged beauties weren't paraded down a runway for all the rock stars to choose from. It's like a glittery, over the top cattle auction.

 I recall Adam Levine's performance at last year's show. He was singing his little heart out with his band Maroon 5, as his model girlfriend strutted her naked stuff on the runway. He was so pleased with himself. His shirt should of had some corny writing on it like, "Look who I'm banging everyone!" He was proud to have every other Hollywood it boy knowing that Anne V was his prize.  It was hard to watch and that's saying a lot because I really love that band.

2. Reason two for the show is simply to illicit wet dreams for all the capable fellas tuning in to the show. I hope no one thought that reason two had anything to do with selling lingerie or wings attached to back pack straps.

The only upside of this years show, besides my adorable Justin Bieber's performance, was Bruno Mars.  I thought I hated Bruno Mars music! That "Grenade" song is one of my all-time most hated songs. Who would want to be with a dumbass dude that claims "he'd catch a grenade for ya"? If someone threw a live grenade towards Dave and me, I'm VERY confident that we'd both get the hell outta dodge. That's what you do when you see a grenade, right?  At any rate, it turns out that when singing less annoying songs, Bruno is very talented. Who knew?

Monday, December 3, 2012

Loving This, Hating That

I am a mascara LOVER! I feel naked without mascara on.  You can feel totally done up with mascara alone. It just brightens your eyes and makes you look awake.  I've always favored mascara to any other make-up and I've tried so many different brands and formulas.  When I was a young, single girl, I would splurge on the Lancome Definicils. I loved that stuff, but at $21 plus dollars a tube, that splurge went out the window when I got married and had some kids. I moved on to Maybelline Lash Stiletto and from there onto Maybelline Colossal Volume. I like those two for sure, but then one day I bought this L'oreal Voluminous Carbon Black and it was love at first lash. This is the stuff, without a doubt. If you want to save yourself a few bucks on make-up, ditch the pricey stuff and try out this tube for less than $6.00 a tube!
The yellow tube and the black one right behind it are good.
Green Label = GROSS!!!
So there was my love, on to my hate. I know that HATE is a strong word, but there is no other word to describe my feelings towards the Sugar- free Coffee Mate products. I am not afraid of sugar and I only bought this garbage because the store was sold out of the Fat-free Hazelnut Coffee Mate. That's my go to creamer. I've always liked it and I had no idea that removing the sugar and adding who knows what in it's place would make it taste so bad.  I tried the Sugar-free Hazelnut flavor, and I've also tried the sugar free Pumpkin Spice flavor and I was equally disgusted with both. It's a bad buy any way you slice it.  If someone would have told me this earlier, I really would have taken the time to drive to a different store and buy my regular flavor there. That's really saying something, because I have two kids, one of which still rides in a carseat.

Blue Label = Delicious!!!