Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Victoria's Secret Fashion Show

What, exactly, is the reason for the yearly Victoria's Secret Fashion Show? I watch approximately fifteen minutes of it each year and in that short span of time I'm filled with question after question about the possible reason for such a spectacle.

First, I wonder why I've never seen ANY of the "fashion" that's showcased in the Victoria's Secret store? Is there something wrong with all the stores I've visited or is this happening all over the world? Sometimes I find myself needing to buy a 5'x5' set of white glitter wings attached to back pack straps and I run into their store in the mall and I'm stunned that they are not available. And last summer I went to the store looking for a tiny string bikini made entirely of candy (and the matching candy wings, obviously) and there wasn't a single one to be found. You can imagine how stupid I felt up at Pineview Dam all summer  in a normal Lycra bikini. Sure it was more practical, but I just felt so out of touch with "fashion" as a whole. Maybe I can make-up for it this spring. Surely I can find some of those thigh-high yellow rain boot stilettos and the matching yellow vinyl capelet. I'll just check online today for those Spring must haves. This would be ideal for walking my daughter to school on a drizzly day!  If I don't have any luck with that ensemble, maybe I could at least find some lingerie lederhosen that I could wear to October Fest.  I KNOW those have to be available in the catalog.
My three year olds reaction to this photo. "Hey that's inappropriate!"
Absolutely right kid!

My next big question about the big VS Fashion show has to do with how women are left feeling after watching the show? Are they grateful that they had the chance to watch these starving, amazon beauties showcase their spray tans and body contour make-up? I know I don't feel that way post show. I feel like shit about myself for a few minutes, then I feel irritated that any woman could be made of DNA that allows her to be six feet tall, devoid of fat cells and muscle tissue. To add insult to injury, they alway produce at least one svelte model that has given birth within the last 8 weeks and she's already looking runway ready. Maybe next year they can find some Brazilian model that gives birth to twins the night before the show and then she walks the runway in a bra and panties, looking like total anorexic perfection. They are going to have to find this woman! I'm no longer impressed with these bitches that have 6 full, postpartum, weeks to get their shit together. That's so 2008!

There are really two reasons that Victoria's Secret holds the fashion show.

1. This is a perfect event for the svelte and gorgeous to show off for each other. Much like Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie in "Mr. and Mrs. Smith", but on a larger scale. The music industry would come to a standstill if long legged beauties weren't paraded down a runway for all the rock stars to choose from. It's like a glittery, over the top cattle auction.

 I recall Adam Levine's performance at last year's show. He was singing his little heart out with his band Maroon 5, as his model girlfriend strutted her naked stuff on the runway. He was so pleased with himself. His shirt should of had some corny writing on it like, "Look who I'm banging everyone!" He was proud to have every other Hollywood it boy knowing that Anne V was his prize.  It was hard to watch and that's saying a lot because I really love that band.

2. Reason two for the show is simply to illicit wet dreams for all the capable fellas tuning in to the show. I hope no one thought that reason two had anything to do with selling lingerie or wings attached to back pack straps.

The only upside of this years show, besides my adorable Justin Bieber's performance, was Bruno Mars.  I thought I hated Bruno Mars music! That "Grenade" song is one of my all-time most hated songs. Who would want to be with a dumbass dude that claims "he'd catch a grenade for ya"? If someone threw a live grenade towards Dave and me, I'm VERY confident that we'd both get the hell outta dodge. That's what you do when you see a grenade, right?  At any rate, it turns out that when singing less annoying songs, Bruno is very talented. Who knew?


  1. OK, that Grenade comment made me literally Laugh Out Loud. I feel the same way about that song. And then... I find myself singing along.

  2. oh Stef you made my day again! And totally true, and hilarious about the postpartum model/actresses! It's tv ok'ed porn.