Monday, April 30, 2012

I Don't Get It.......


If you see this photo and your first thought is, "Cool, I gotta get one of these for my rear view mirror!", then you might want to stop reading this one right now.  This, in my opinion, is so over the top ridiculous.  I love that people do this stupid stuff, because it makes me stare and laugh on a regular basis.

What is this?  Well it's a "dream catcher".  The concept is so dumb, yet these are big sellers among the dumb and cheesy.  So the idea, I assume, is that this feathered cat toy would hang above your bed and somehow "catch" your dreams.  Are you still with me or is this the to dumb to read? 

So let's just say that the cat toy really works and it's effectively "caught" your dreams!  What now?  What are you going to do with them?  Do the feathers and the woven spider web have more memory power than your own brain?  If you bought one and these and hung it in your rear view mirror, it may very well hold more power than your own brain.

Hey..........wait a minute.  If this piece of magical "art" is meant to catch those pesky dreams, then what in the hell is it doing in your car?  Texting and driving is dangerous.  Sleeping and driving is reckless!  If you really are sleeping in your car, that sucks, but I know why you are homeless.  It has a lot to do with the fact that someone tried to sell you a dream catcher for your vehicle and you thought it was a good idea to buy it....

Take these down.  Most people are laughing at you when they drive by.  Some aren't laughing.  Some people just think it's down right sad.  And some folks, like myself, can't help recreating the the cringe worthy shopping trip in which you bought this.  We all know you didn't pick it up on the reservation while high on peyote.  You bought this mystical treasure at the mall.....think about it .





Side note:  Miley Cyrus has a dream catcher tattooed on her body.  I think it's dumb, but I understand how this happened.  If you recall, she is the spawn of the most famous mullet of all time, Billy Ray Cyrus.  When your dad is the permed mullet icon of his generation, it stands to reason that you will get a horrible tattoo at some point in your life.  Sorry Miley, but I think you are too good for this.  (I have two daughters and I really enjoyed the Hannah Montana movie.  I'm not ashamed.)

Friday, April 27, 2012

This Happens to Every Parent at Some Point

                                                    Do we even need an explanation?
      

Sasha and the Generic Barbie

This daughter of mine was a tough baby, but I tell you what, it was so worth it.  She is the funniest kid and she pipes up with the most hilarious bits, every single day!  The other day something called "The Rainbow Bus" stopped at her school.  I wish I knew why the rainbow bus came to her school, but I don't.  At any rate, the bus is obviously rainbow colored and inside, it is filled with the cheapest toys that Taiwan offers.  Kids get a chance to pick a craptastic treasure from the rainbow bus as a reward for something or another.  My own daughter wasn't exactly sure the reason and I didn't really investigate any further into her explanation, maybe she just made up the whole scenario and some kid is home tonight, crying their eyes out over a missing generic fairy Barbie.  Who knows?  I've got bigger fish to fry.

So I pick her up from school and she comes running to the car with a huge, glittery, generic fairy Barbie (okay, maybe I should have investigated this further).  She was overjoyed and I could do little more than ask why she was given a Rainbow Bus toy and she seemed irritated that I was asking.  In hers eyes it was obvious.  Why wouldn't a giant multi colored bus show up at the Elementary School, bearing gifts?

I got the girls some lunch and it was time to tear into that Barbie box.  It was obviously a knock off Barbie because all the Mattel brand safety measures weren't in effect.  The dolls head wasn't surgically attached to the packaging and there were no cement blocks that needed chiseling to remove our fairy doll from her box.  It was easy, so I knew this doll was glorified garbage.  My daughters were in love.  This doll came with 3, count em, 3 sets of fairy wings!  And she was dressed to the strip club nines!  She even had glued on earrings.  Classy!

Sasha started picking at the earrings and I told her to be careful, because like I mentioned before, they were secured to the dolls head with the finest Taiwanese adhesive.  Sasha ignored my wisdom and two seconds later the earrings were off.  She thought I would be mad about this and she quickly covered her tracks with words.  "Weeeelllllllll.........she didn't need those earrings anyway!  They were way to flashy for her outfit.  I mean, hello Barbie, you're wearing glitter wings, so you don't really need  all these flashy accessories on!" 

This from a child who wears a pink satin evening gown and plastic high heels to breakfast.......at 6:45 in the A.M.  But you know, she did have a point.  Those earrings were a bit much when Generic Barbie had those damn glitter wings on.  I just loved that she thought my world would come crashing down if Trashy Fairy wasn't wearing earrings.  Priceless!

Thursday, April 26, 2012

Out of Sasha's Mouth

I picked up Sasha from school the other day and decided to treat my girls to some Wendy's.  We decided to go nuts for a change and eat our food there instead of picking it up at the drive-thru.  My kids love this for some reason.  I'm guessing it has something to do with the fact that I've led Sasha to believe that Frosty's can't be purchased at the drive-thru.  It seems to be a special occasion for them to eat inside Wendy's and I get to skip cleaning up lunch crumbs at home, so it's a win-win situation.  We get our food and head to a table.  Napkin place mats in place, we get all the food off the tray and begin our fast food feast. 

 We are quietly enjoying our food when Sasha, my five year old daughter, leans in from across the table and whispers this little tidbit.  "Mom, that man behind you is really hot."  I ask her to repeat herself because I am certain I've heard her wrong.  Again she says, a bit louder this time, "That man behind you is really hot."  I quickly turn around to find an average looking, middle aged, man eating a burger.  At the same time, I have a startling glimpse into an uncertain future with my daughter.  She has told me in the past that she thinks Michael Jackson (the 50 year old, porcelain doll version, not the Jackson 5 version) is very handsome.  So there is some cause for alarm.

I give her a puzzled look and she takes this as a cue to elaborate on her original observation.  She say, "He's wearing long sleeves, long pants, a jacket, socks and shoes!  He's really hot, because you know, it's like really hot outside today.  Someone needs to tell him it's not winter anymore."  I am relieved, to say the least. 

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Keepin' it Real

No shame in my game...

Productivity


Yesterday morning Words With Friends wouldn't load.  And you wouldn't believe the chain of events that unfolded from that technical malfunction.  I made the hand print button trees with my kids.  I finished one of my daughters rainbow dresses.  I made my three year old an adorable nightgown from an adult size dollar store Hanes T-shirt (embelished with a clorox bleach pen), I knocked an episode of Bethenny Ever After off my DVR to-do list, and I made an awesome Pesto Tilapia dinner. 

No disrespect Internet.  I still love you very much.

Monday, April 23, 2012

This happens to me all the time

Fifty Shades of Lady Porn

Oh yes, I have finally acquired a copy of the hard to find book, Fifty Shades of Grey.  I am irritated by the world of Kindles and Nooks, because not only am I no longer in any sort of book sharing loops, but not all books are even being printed on paper.  People have been reading this book for months and I couldn't get a hold of a "printed book" until last week. I'm not positive, but I don't think it was even released in print until just a week ago. 

I usually read books that a friend has read and recommended.  This book was a little different.  I was told that certain church groups were trying to ban their members from reading it, so I no longer wanted to read it......I HAD TO READ IT A.S.A.P.!!!!!  There is no greater appeal than a banned book.  Keep in mind that I am not in any way affiliated with those church groups, but it has to be good if people are being encouraged not to read it.

I discovered very quickly the reason that the book is controversial.  Simply put, it's lady porn minus the tacky Fabio cover.  I am not offended by lady porn, in fact I think it's high time ladies drop the shame game and admit that reading this stuff in hot!  I have been pleasantly surprised to find that TONS of women are reading it and they are all very open about it.  It's refreshing to hear it.  All the local bookstores are sold out of the hard copies, so women aren't shy about buying it, but an insane number of E-reader copies have been sold.  Those sales are conducted in private and I know that this is the reason that this book is blowing up.

The book is fiction, based on the authors fantasies and a lot of it is based in the frightening world of bondage.  Quick side note, I saw the author interviewed on the Today Show and she was great.  She was half laughing and half totally mortified the millions of people have actually read her book.  She described the writing process as her mid-life crisis on paper.  She was so normal and relatable.  Not pompous at all.  She knew full well that the book isn't going to win a Pulitzer and she didn't much care.  I can respect this, because it's exhausting reading stupid, high brow novels.

 The premise is basically this, Christian Grey (the dominant male) is a kinky guy who sort of falls for (the submissive girl) Anastasia.  He wants her to consent to a very specific type of sexual relationship.  She is very inexperienced but also curious and let's not forget to mention that Christian Grey is a gorgeous, billionaire....because they always are (not).This is SOOOO not me, but it's hot to read.  Some of the things Christian says to Anastasia, would not fly with me.  He's bossy as hell and since he's the dominant, she has to put up with it.  I could NEVER do this.  I'd give that SOB a warning, and then I'd crack him in the jaw.  If a man spoke to me that way, he'd need to sleep with one eye open if you catch my drift (if you're going to smack a fit man, it's best to do it when he's sleeping, right?).

It's an easy read, but I'm not finished with it yet, because you can't just read a chapter or two while the kids are playing with play doh at the kitchen table.  This kind of writing has a time and place and I can assure you that you don't want to hear Dora The Explorer talking about her map reading skills in the background when you're reading the book.  It wrecks the mood of it.  So I'll skip a little sleep this week and finish it up.  Hopefully by then the Pony Express will have delivered the next two books in the series.  I can only imagine what the next books will be about, but I'm absolutely going to read them.

Friday, April 20, 2012

Crazy Mike

So, as you all now know, I worked at that little Italian restaurant for many years.  So it may not come as a surprise that I met a few fellas while waitressing there.  Just like with all the families that came in every week, I also got to know different guys who would come in and pick up their pizzas and come in and eat with their friends.  Just more "regulars".  There was nothing more fun than working with your friends and having a regular "hottie" come in.  It really is the little things in life, isn't it.
There was a small group of guys that I saw really often.  I was almost always their waitress and I always had fun chatting them up.  I never was  a shy gal and I always enjoyed the nights that they'd come in.  There was one guy in particular that I got along with very well, Mike.  He was a handsome guy and he seemed very flirty.  I loved it......and so did my co-workers.

So one night after this group of guys has been in, I go out to my Jeep after work, and find a hand written note on my car.  It's from adorable Mike and he's given me his number and written something to the effect of "we should hang out sometime."  I was working with my best friend that night and I walked back into the restaurant with the note and I'm sure we squealed like school girls (we were seniors in high school, so we had every right to squeal like school girls). 
Always eager to find out what would happen next, I didn't wait long to call him.  We talked for a while and it was nice because we obviously already got along and I already knew that I thought he was pretty cute.  It's good to keep in mind that I had the ability to find almost ANYONE cute at that age.  A heartbeat and a touch of charisma was all it took for me to see the "cute" in a guy.  I wasn't always swinging for the fences.........a bunt would do.  I just wanted exciting weekend plans and a good story to report back to my best friend, because even then I loved the story.

So Mike and I decided we would go out the next weekend.  In the meantime, I broke my hand during a game of basketball with my guy friends.  I called Mike during the week and let him know this.  I didn't know what our date would entail, but I now had a cast cramping my style.

So it is finally the day of the date.  I call Mike in the late afternoon to see what time we are meeting, because we don't live anywhere near each other.  Everything seems normal and then out of nowhere Mike says the strangest thing I'd ever heard.  He said, "I can't do this.  I just.... I just can't do this."  If I would have had one of those comic book bubbles above my head it would have been filled with question marks??????  I was like , "WHAT?????".  He seemed suddenly flustered and followed up his first strange statement with one that I will NEVER forget.
"You're just too much."
I'm not gonna lie, I was offended and furious.  I didn't tell him this.  The conversation was over at that point.  I mean, where do you go from that statement?  I didn't even know what that meant.  I obviously called my best friend and we rehashed it over and over.  Only now, instead of being Mike, he became Crazy Mike.

As an adult, I totally get it now.  And he was so right.  I was too much and I still am too much.  I was born this way.  But that's fine, because too much can be awesome if that's what you're looking for.  I love "too much".  In hindsight, I'm impressed that a 21 year old guy could recognize that in someone.  It sucked at the time though.  I didn't get my exciting weekend plans, but I did get a story.

You can imagine what would happen in subsequent Crazy Mike sitings at the restaurant.  "Can I refill your Coke, or would that be too much?"

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

The Waitress Days

I have kids, so I'm still technically a waitress, but back in the day I did it for the dollars. I was very lucky to land my ideal waitressing job when I was 17. My eccentric, extended family owned a little Italian restaurant that had a cult following of eccentric" regulars". It was a small place with very few rules. The customer wasn't always right, I was and I loved it. This is what was so wonderful about it. It wasn't a machine like all the dumb chain restaurants. There was no "class" that the employees had to take to be qualified to work there. We used common sense and wouldn't you know it, we all figured it out!

My boss was a fantastical character named Kirk. He came from the planet Xanex and he was awesome. We worked together seamlessly. He is one of those individuals that not everyone understands, but I totally "got him". A lot of the regulars came in every week not just for the food, but for the entertainment value that Kirk provided. The rest of my co-workers were equally odd and it was just a fun place to work.

We were never told to wear anything stupid and contrived. I wore shorts, a T-shirt and a tiny apron. And guess what, I wasn't wearing those idiotic black, non-skid, restaurant shoes and I never once fell down because of it. This ensemble worked just fine. I don't see why servers in so many restaraunts are forced to wear costumes (except at Hotdog on a Stick, I love their costume). I never understand why so many female servers are forced to wear black pants, a white collared shirt, a tie (?????) and a floor length white apron? Does this ensemble improve their performance in any way? Is it easier to carry a tray or hear an order when you're dressed like fifteen year old boy at church? I don't think so and I hate this contrived idea that someone needs to look a certain way to carry out the task of food delivery. It ain't rocket science, you know.
We used a pen and a ticket book to take orders. I never stopped at a computer to type in all the codes for all the entrees on my ticket. I put the paper order on a spindle and, Zak the cook read it. Simple, smart, no nonsense involved. The scribbled word "spag" meant spaghetti , as it should. It was easy. If someone needed extra cheese on their pizza, I simply told the teenaged pizza cook. There was no stupid over-ride code on the computer. The whole operation was very casual and comfortable.

I had tons of regulars and I had all their orders memorized. I worked there for many years and as corny as it sounds I got to see certain families come in each week and I got watch their kids grow up at the same time. To this day I still see these people all over town, who knew me as their weekly waitress, and we still stop and talk to one another. I loved being a part of this cozy little routine at the tiny family owned Italian place.
I worked at other restaurants just long enough to appreciate how great my first waitressing job was. There is such a difference between working at a corporate chain restaurant and an independent place. The tiny places are so much more personal and unique. People get to be real people instead of food delivery robots. It's a magic feeling that I feel so in touch with because of my experience at the Italian restaurant. I'm so glad I have all these treasured memories of my time working there. It really was a job tailor made for my individual personality. Thanks Zebs!

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

I'm naturally crazy

My friend Jessica is always accusing me of being on speed, but this is just how I roll.

Diggity Dawn


I am in awe of the power of Dawn dish washing liquid. It's almost too much power and it's slightly terrifying. Make no mistake here, I don't wash dishes by hand. I am very much addicted to the dishwasher. How could I do it nearly as well as the machine who's only purpose is to clean dishes? I don't know exactly what goes on in there, but I know it gets VERY hot and I believe extremely high heat is probably important to good dish washing.
I use the Dawn occasionally to soak pans and the like. But Pinterest has me interested in using it for other household cleaning endeavours. There's a pin that suggests mixing Dawn and vinegar in a spray bottle and using it for cleaning your shower. The idea sounds good to me. When I clean that sucker with chemicals, I feel like I've been sentenced to the gas chamber for a crime I didn't commit. So I wanted to try this cleaning idea, but something was holding me back.
A few years ago I had a Dawn incident. It was more of a catastrophe. I started my dishwasher one night and left the kitchen. When I returned about 20 minutes later, my kitchen looked like a scene from a cheesy movie. The floor in front of the dishwasher was covered in bubbles. My dishwasher was oozing bubbles like crazy. I of course panicked. I opened the dishwasher, to stop it and stood there with absolutely no clue what to do next. I had no idea why this had happened and I was also puzzled about how to drain the dishwasher and it's abundance of suds. I figured out the draining part, after much swearing, but I was still so confused as to why it had happened. The thought of my dear friend the dishwasher being broken was devastating.
That's when I saw the culprit sitting on the kitchen counter. I (but I'm sure I blamed Dave) had put way to much Dawn on a pan and I didn't really rinse it before placing it in the dishwasher. Dawn makes bubbles.....tons of freaking bubbles.
As you can imagine, the bottle of Dawn found it's final resting place in my trash can and I swore I'd never let her in my home again. She was far stronger than I had ever known and I had clearly underestimated her bubble making power. Even passing a bottle of it in the grocery store brought on a little panic.
But I'm older now and hopefully smarter and more responsible, so I purchased my first bottle since "the incident" and tried this vinegar/Dawn cleaning mix and it was awesome. I sprayed it all over and let Dawn do the job for me. I could breathe normally while rinsing it and I'm glad I got over my fear. Thank you Pinterest.

Monday, April 16, 2012

Yep


The Big Tubs

I'm a shower gal. I grew up in a shower house. My mom didn't drink a glass of wine and read a novel in the tub every night. Maybe this is the reason that I don't require a tub in my adult life. I'm not one of those people who goes nuts for big tubs. My last house didn't even have a tub in the master bathroom. It had a large shower and that's it. I was sold. I didn't miss the tub at all. My current house has a big tub, but for the last two years, it's been more of a pain in the ass than anything else. I would have loved to have sawed it in half and thrown it out the window. It's just too big and it takes up WAY to much space. There is another huge reason to hate it......it is a giant dust collector. If you have one and you don't use it, that all it turns into.

Our tub comes equipped with jets and I have learned from all the house hunter television shows that this is a major plus. I think I'd prefer one of those simple, chic claw foot tubs. They seem much cozier and they require much less water. I swear on my life I have to empty the hot water tank just to get the water above the jets. DO NOT TURN ON THE JETS WITHOUT WATER TOTALLY COVERING THEM! I learned this the hard way. It's mass chaos and it induces more panic than relaxation. Trust me here.

I have also been informed that the jets need to be cleaned. There is some special way to do this and I can't comment on it, because I don't have the first clue what it is. My jets are dirty I guess....and I couldn't care less. I have enough cleaning tasks on my "to do" list without becoming a slave to the "dust bowl", my nickname for the tub.

So I'm watching this new Celebrity House Hunters show and I noticed that Carnie Wilson and Cory Feldman were going nuts for the houses with jetted tubs. It was a requirement for them. All their tub enthusiasm got me thinking that maybe I should give the tub a chance. So that's what I did. I filled that sucker up and hit the jet switch. It was actually really nice. My house is colder than a polar ice cap, so that aspect of the experience sucked. Also, I can't really relax because I'm already starting to panic about my water bill. Then it's on to the kids in Africa who don't have clean drinking water. Then the ice crystals start forming on my eyelashes and it's time to call it a night and be done with this bath.

So yeah, I won't be requiring a monster tub in any subsequent homes. I'd rather drink liquor and read novels on my bed. That seems to be more relaxing for my crazy mind.

SIDE NOTE: Cory Feldman has delusions of grandeur. In his mind, he is probably much more famous than Brangelina. He needs gates and security up the yin yang because he needs to keep the paparazzi away. It's always 1989 in that brain of his. It was comical to watch. He needs so much privacy that he is filming his house hunt....and showing the layout of his new pad on T.V.

Friday, April 13, 2012

Thanks UPS man!!!!!


Thanks for the heads up Stacie. These are amazing! So worth the money and that's saying a lot coming from me. Brooks shoes make me feel like I'm running on the moon. Weightless!

In a Perfect World


In a perfect world, there would be a legit place for an adult to go skating at, and I'd own those beauties pictured above. Where is a grown woman (pint sized as I may be) supposed to go roller skating at? I love to skate and the Classic Roller Rink isn't exactly cutting it. It was amazing in the 80's, but the establishment as a whole has gone to hell in a hand bag. First off, it reeks of smelly feet and a stench my mother calls "Kid Stink" (Yeah mom, I totally get it now and it's a very real smell). The regular florescent lights seem to be on all the time. News flash Classic Skating, nobody wants to skate under normal lighting just like no one would dance at the dance club if all the lights were on. The disco lights are part of the experience and therefore required to be on at all times. I don't need to be dodging scooters and toddlers. I just want to skate. I want the disco lights and some jams blasting out of the speakers. If Rod Stewart and Olivia Newton John (circa 1980) could show up and perform their greatest hits under the disco ball, that would be icing on the cake. For some reason there is shame associated with this wish, but this is truly what I want. The trouble seems to be that most adults either can't skate, or don't seem to enjoy it for reasons I'll never understand.I wonder how many adults would go skating if there were a nice adult skating joint? I know I'd hang out there whenever possible, but I'm realistic enough to know that not all adults would love it. Sometimes I can get my mom to go skating and she loves it. She is really comfortable on skates and we have a blast when we go during the day with the kids. We are wiped out tired afterward because aside from it being tons of fun, it's a great workout. I would way rather roller skate for an hour than run!
I've talked to a girl who is skating with other grown women in a modern day Roller Derby. She really encouraged me to come to their "try-outs", but here's the thing, I don't really want to be knocking other women down and scoring "points". Also, I would lose my mind if some gal tried to knock me down. I'd turn into a crazy, hair pulling, fighting machine if that happened (I do understand this is the point of roller derby). I just want happy fun skating.
When I was a kid, we skated a lot. I had my own gorgeous pair of pink high-top skates. My parents basement was unfinished and someone had the genius idea to put the record player down there. So many of my days were spent skating in the basement to Olivia Newton John, Michael Jackson and Tiffany records. George Michael also made an appearance in the tape deck. All my birthday parties were at Classic skating. When I turned 16 I'd drag all my license-less guy friend to the skating rink with me. I think they had fun, but they really didn't have much choice. These are great memories and I so want my own daughters to have these awesome experiences. I also want to stop day dreaming about skating. I must make this a reality! Maybe it's my destiny to run the most kick ass adult skating joint in Utah!

Thursday, April 12, 2012

One Day....


It is a daily struggle! Feed them junk and they chow down. Feed them something healthy and let the nagging begin.

NO MORE FISH!!!!

I've had a lot of jobs in my life. I've been a waitress, a hair stylist, a mom, a full time palace house keeper, but my latest job is by far the worst. I recently became a coroner....a dead fish coroner to be more specific.
I didn't want any fish. I have lived long enough to know what "getting some fish" really means. It means a slimy mess will live on your counter and you will add food daily and be on constant death watch. And that is basically what it's been. I have time to feed fish, but I never signed up for cleaning a fish tank. Of course Dave, like a little kid, claimed responsibility for the whole fish thing, but we all know that means I'm in charge of the fish. It's no biggie at first, but then the tank starts getting nasty. You quickly figure out that your fish are weird and before you know it, they start dropping like flies. I don't know anything about fish. I don't know if they can see in the dark. I don't know if they sleep. I can't tell the difference between an Angelina Jolie starving fish or a post Chili's visit gorged fish. How much do they really need to eat? Are they cold in my freezing house? These are the questions that plague my mind. I'm raising kids, and I don't want anymore responsibility than that...not even a house plant.
So we started with 3. A white one named Salt, a black one named Pepper and manic depressive spotted fish that we call Spot. Pepper died a week ago and thankfully Dave was home and I made him deal with that carcass. Sasha demanded that Pepper be buried in the yard.....so that's what happened. Yesterday morning Salt appeared to be resting on Ariel's head (it's a Little Mermaid tank). I took that as a bad sign but during the day she started swimming around again. By bath time, she was dead or "debt" as Lyla says. Spot, our manic depressive fish, prefers to live out his days here in one particular corner of the tank. It's like he has put himself in the perpetual "time out corner". He moves around for a minute of two and then he goes immediately back to his corner. Unfortunately Salt decide to die above his corner and eventually sank down into Spots official corner. Spot is a stubborn SOB and he refused to move, despite the fact that a dead fish was now laying on top of him. It wasn't a cutesy, romantic situation. Like, "Oh Spot won't leave Salts side, even in death they are companions." It was clearly a,"You can be as dead as you like, but this is MY corner and that's the way it's gonna stay" situation. This made removing Salts body a real pain in the butt. I finally got Salt out and Sasha said, "I will cry forever if I hear that toilet flush! Don't flush it mom. I don't want Salt to spend her life with pee and poo!". I didn't think this was a good time to argue the "life" point with her. So Salt got a Ziplock bag, outside trash can burial. And you better believe I fear I'm going to hell for that one. I can't deal with fish anymore. I fully admit that I am too spazzy for fish.

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Awful People

Do you ever have one of those days where most of the people you encounter are awful? Every now and again this happens to me and it drives my mind to a weird place. It makes me formulate my anit-society plan. I start thinking about moving to the middle of nowhere and becoming completely self sufficient. I start thinking like an elderly person, getting all nervous about the next generation. It freaks me out.
I realize that the Riverdale, Utah Super Walmart is not the best place to take stock of the human race, but I have encountered some trashy, rude folks there. It makes me wonder if anyone teaches their kids good old fashioned manners anymore? It doesn't take money or a masters degree to know how to be polite. I find that so many people these days are just flat out rude in their encounters with other humans. It takes so little effort to be pleasant and it can be contagious. Obviously negativity is highly contagious. In fact there seems to be a "Negativity Plague" in and around the Super Walmart.
If I'm standing in front of your face, it wouldn't be horrible to acknowledge me. If I say "Hi" would it be so hard to say it back? If you are blocking an entire aisle, could you scoot over if I politely say "excuse me"? Am I painting the picture clearly. People are just rude. I realize lots of people are miserable, but smiling really isn't all that hard and it makes a huge difference. Everyone looks better with a happy look on their face. I hate those days when everyone around you is a sour faced A-hole. Being happy is very much one of those "Fake it til you make it" situations.
On our last vacation, Dave and I drove into an unfamiliar city in search of a Wendy's (it's a long story......) and at last we found one. Dave got out of the car and ran inside while I circled the block with the car because there was no place to park. On my second loop, my husband emerged from the doors with the food and jumped in the car. He had a strange look on his face. We started driving again and I asked him what he was thinking. Without any hesitation he said this, "We can't ever move out of Utah. It's like we're to pure for the rest of the world because we are friendly. We're used to smiling and waving at people and just being NICE. I just don't think a lot of places are still like that. It's like everyone is getting so jaded or something. I want to raise our kids where people are nice." I don't know exactly what happened inside that fast food restaurant, but I totally understand that feeling he had. It's an awful thing to feel surrounded by a sea of negative, self-serving jerks. That is the exact sentiment that I felt today. It sucks that people are totally content just being ornery assholes day after day. I'm home a lot and most of the people that come over during the week are people that I really like being around. I live in a bubble I guess and I absolutely want to stay in it. Do you see what's happened here? Exposure to negative jerks, has made me feel very negative. It's a toxic feeling. I am going to try to avoid the general public tomorrow and let my good attitude return.
The only point of this rant is that parents need to teach their kids manners and wouldn't it be nice if one day everyone decided to live by the Golden Rule? Even just for a couple of days.

My New Shame Show!

Last Thursday night I made a startling discovery. I learned something about myself that I would have never guessed to be true. It was very much an accident, but it happened. I turned on the T.V. one night and it was immediately clear that a certain 3 year old had been playing with the remote control. Weird menus plastered the screen and I feared that some settings had been forever lost. My first thought was, "What if Top Model doesn't record because of the buttons she's pushed?" It was a mess. After a few minutes of intense concentration I was back to a normal T.V. The channel it was set to was one I never watch called Bio (short for Biography I think). The show that was playing was called Celebrity House Hunters and the title alone sold me. I loved it. Carnie Wilson (what an unfortunate name for a "big boned" gal) was searching for a new gorgeous home in Southern California. It had all the good parts of the HGTV House Hunters, but all the homes were gorgeous and amazing and there was no annoying host. I watched a couple of episodes, and loved them both. I ran to the kitchen for a bowl of cereal and when I came back to my room, a new show had already begun and I decided to watch just a few minutes of it. A few minutes turned into an hour. I realized that I have joined a whole new niche of society. I had, after only one episode, become a devoted lover of Dog the Bounty Hunter!

This is something so unexpected but wonderful. I had pre-judged Dog based only on his bleach blonde mullet. I had assumed that my lack of interest in Nascar would also mean that Dog the Bounty Hunter wasn't for me. I was dead wrong. Before the end of night one, Duane and Beth (Beth is Dog's wife and business partner), had been added to the elite "Record Series" list on my DVR. This show is so intense and I've found that it often ends an episode with the dreaded words "To be continued". For me, those words mean, "You are not going to bed anytime soon, cause you have to watch the next episode right this second."
In all fairness I will admit that my sister had given me the unlikely heads up about this show a while ago. I didn't know what channel it was on and I honestly didn't think it would be so good. I see Dog in a whole new light now. I mean there has to be a reason that this show has been on television for so many years. I figured out why. It's crazy good, plus the people they hunt for are horrible and you feel really good about yourself in comparison. Another great thing I've gotten from the show is the importance of sun screen. Dog and Beth are both "Pauly D" tan and that's dark. Their skin is awful in HD. I put on sunscreen this morning only because I am haunted by that HD image. Dog the Bounty Hunter is a certifiably wonderful shame show. Everyone should watch at least one episode and confess their love for Dog and Beth. I feel better getting this off my chest and out in the open. I love it!

Monday, April 9, 2012

This is How I Feel ALL THE TIME

Yay! They Broke Up!!!!

Technically, I don't think you're supposed to cheer when someone has a break-up, but sometimes i do anyway. I recall a time many years ago when my best friend got a divorce. They were young and had no children or mortgage and I was thrilled! He was a really nice guy, but their split lead to some of the best years of our young life. I immediately ditched my sometimes boyfriend and we were off to the races! That was a time when a break up calls for a cheer! I've seen many great gals date doucher guys and those are also times to secretly celebrate a break-up! In those situations I usually know both people involved and it's clear that home-girl can do WAY better. I want to throw up when I see a young girl with a serious boyfriend. Play the field girls. It will all work itself out in the end, so have fun when you're young. Skip the relationship drama, or at least answer "no" when a good looking fella asks if you have a boyfriend. That's my horrible advice and I'm sticking to it.


The break-up that I've learned of today is wonderful! I've been secretly wishing it would happen for nearly 6 months. I don't know what the reason for the split was, and I don't care! Adam Levine, of Maroon 5 and The Voice, has been broken up with by his model girlfriend Anne V. I love this because I love Adam......more specifically I love Adams songs. Maroon 5 is one of those bands that I thought I wouldn't really like, but then I listened to their entire CD in a convertible in Maui and I fell madly in love with them. I like all their music and Adam writes a lot of it. Adam has been pretty happy this last year or two and my band has not been making much new music as a result. This just won't do for me. Artist types always do their best work when they are miserable. All the best songs, if you really listen to them, are about lost love. Break-ups are amazing for a song writer. Happy times are no fun to write about. I don't think the name Adele would ring any bells for anyone if this weren't totally true. Sad times can lead to Grammy nominations. Great songs are about love gone wrong. I love those songs. Maroon 5 have put out a few CDs and most of them stem from a place of heartbreak and it's top notch music to these ears. I love Adam and as sad as it is to think of his little heart all smashed to bits, I know so much good material will result from it. This one could win you a Grammy award Adam! I think he even has a tattoo of her name on his body. When I suspected this, I knew the break-up would be right around the corner. I'm on pins and needles just waiting for the first song to materialize. Katy Perry released a deluxe version of her album less than a month after her divorce. I don't know what her new song is called, but it ought to be titled "I Hate You Russel Brand". Good stuff all around!
I sort of think this is the reason that John Mayer tries to sleep with every gal in Hollywood. He wants to find famous love, and he wants it to crash and burn so that he can write something heart wrenching. He loves to get a little depressed. He needs to get dumped really soon to save his career. I wish I knew him so I could at least set him up with someone horrible (I know a few, don't we all?).


By the way....spell check needs to get a modern times update, because I'm certain that "doucher" is word. I use it enough that it ought to become one if it isn't already.

Friday, April 6, 2012

Mr. Coffee

Every morning at my house is roughly the same. I wake up to the sounds of Lyla yelling, "I need go potty!" I get up and get her taken care of. I head for the kitchen and I'm immediately given my first food order of the day by Sasha, followed quickly by Lyla. I get them some food and some milk to the sounds of Curious George in the background. Once they are all squared away it's time for my hot double date with Don Francisco and Mr. Coffee! This is a crucial date that I couldn't fathom cancelling! I love my coffee, but I don't "Girl with the dragon tattoo" love it. That it to say I'm not drinking coffee all day and night like a fiend. In fact, I believe in the caffeine. I never understand the folks who can or want to drink coffee at night. I used to do that if I were heading to a dance club or rave (yeah I know, but I was young). Seriously, for me, unless I'm planning to dance all night, I don't want coffee at all in the afternoon or evening. I wouldn't want a bunch of caffeine at night. I like sleeping way to much.

I've had many love affairs with many different brands and flavors of coffee, but I think I've met Mr. Right. I love Don Francisco......his Hawaiian Hazelnuts in particular. I've said before that I don't like experimenting with new foods in the kitchen. The main reason for that is a fear of failure. Failure in the coffee department is bad news. Coffee isn't cheap and I don't want to be stuck drinking rancid coffee for a few weeks if I chose a yucky brand or flavor. Someway, somehow the subject of delicious coffee was raised when I was cutting an 11 year old boys hair one day. This kid is wise beyond his years. He told me his mother has been seeing Don Francisco for quite sometime and despite the fact that he's never drank the coffee, he told me that the aroma was wonderful and he went so far as to recommend it based on smell alone. I'm no dummy and I know that if an upstanding 11 year old is going to mention a brand of coffee, then it must be good. Not many pre-teen boys are pretentious enough to try to sell you on that crazy strong (I'm so cool because I hang out at the coffee shop all day, which now makes me an expert of the beans) nasty coffee. Boy oh boy was he right (thanks Riggs). It's been a match made in heaven.

If I'm lucky, I'll remember to get the coffee maker all set up and ready to go the night before. My Mr. Coffee is old and has NO timers or technology what so ever. I'm glad for this because I don't think I'd trust that. What if the power went out for a minute during the night and next thing you know your coffee is brewing, without you even knowing it, at two in the morning? I can't deal with that possibility. So if I want my coffee making to be easy, I have to get the machine set up before I go to bed, so that I only have to hit the button in the morning to start the brewing. This is not as simple as it sounds. The entire time that I'm prepping it, I have to say out loud, "Don't turn it on! Don't start it!". Filter in place, "Don't start it!". Three heaping tablespoons Don Francisco, "It's night Stefanie, don't hit the button!" Rinse the pot, fill it with water and pour it into the machine, "Seriously, don't hit the button." Now it's the moment of truth when my brain can potentially ruin me. I put the coffee pot in its little nook, and if all goes well, I will now walk away without flipping the "On" switch. I've gotten better, but I can't tell you how many times I go to bed and just as I'm falling asleep, I smell my delicious coffee brewing at 11:00 P.M. Oh it's infuriating!

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Fitness model pictures


Pintrest food

So I hope I've established that I love Pintrest. I really do. It's a great idea that I would never have thought of on my own. I get to have tiny digital pictures, pinned and organized onto tiny little boards. A womans pintrest boards can really give you a good impression of what she's all about. I am an avid "pinner" and I would say that all my boards paint an elaborate picture of me. Maybe not me as I really am, but rather who I'd like to me if I were exerting a lot more effort. I don't really wear the clothes on my "style board", but I would if I could buy them for super cheap....and if I could grow a solid 8 inches taller. My "dream home" boards are a great display of my taste. I love houses that look like the beautiful pictures I pin, but in reality those gorgeous houses would be peppered with toys, crayons, stray socks, school papers and other random real life junk. The board that really express who I am is the "funny stuff" board. If you looked at that board and didn't giggle at least a few times, then I doubt we have much in common. My favorite thing to do is make funny pins. I'll be doing the dishes or dealing with my family and I'll have a hilarious thought that I know so many other women must also be thinking. I'll make a pin expressing that sentiment and 9 times outta 10 other women relate. It makes me feel less crazy and bit more normal.
The boards I don't deal much with are the food boards and the fitness boards. I have no desire to pin a picture of a ripped 19 year old girl. I always take a step back and analyze those photos. It's always the same thing. "Okay, this girl is super tan, really pretty, wearing more make-up than you should in a gym setting and not only is she super tall, thin and lean, but she also has a boob job. Oh by the way, she probably has never had a baby and she didn't lose a bunch of weight to look like that. She was pin thin to begin with and she added a little bit of muscle to her frame. This is not realistic for most grown women. And also to add insult to injury....photo shop." So yes, I don't get excited about those boards. Most of the time I'm eating pizza or something awful when I click on them. It's not a good combination.
The food boards are a world unto themselves. It's tons of pictures of "food porn". That is to say it's delicious looking food that makes you feel hungry when you don't really need to be eating. The food often has a recipe link that most will never look at, and even more would never actually make, yet these photos are always pinned with little comments like, "Yummy and so easy! I'm going to make this tonight!" or " Perfect for a summer barbecue!". I am not naturally inclined in the kitchen, so none of this looks easy to me. I get overwhelmed if a recipe has more than 5 ingredients and just give up entirely if the recipe includes weird shit that I don't have....cumin, rice wine vinegar, tahini, "fresh" anything (cilantro, basil, rosemary). I don't like complicated recipes at all. Dave sometimes gets a wild hair and decides he's going to make some strange recipe and I'm left cleaning up the mess and figuring out what to do with these almost full bottles of Chinese chili paste and sesame seed oil. Seriously, what the hell else am I going to use this stuff on. I have kids with weird allergies and I make simple bland food. I want a bowl of oatmeal for dinner!!!! So isn't it obvious that I'm not inclined to find new recipes on the internet. Well the other day on Pintrest I find this picture of a cookie sheet covered in colorful vegetables. I don't know why (it's pretty maybe???) but I decided to pin a food picture and by damn I'm going to make this! So I take the girls to the store and we are getting excited buying all these weird things we never buy. I get home and chop it all up and my kids were very enthusiastic about this adventure. I follow the directions and when it's done I serve it to my children. 30 seconds later I realize that I have wasted both my time and my money on this dinner. They each ate a bite or two and then rearranged the veggies on their plates a million times to no avail.....no amount of stirring these items will make them disappear. I rolled up the left over veggies in tin foil and put it back in the oven, in hopes that the vegetables would get more steamed than dried out. Dave came home, covered his vegetables in Italian dressing and loved them. But I still had to feed my kids "second dinner" at 7:00. It was a bust. I'm not cut out for cooking.

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Attention Facebook Haters

I like Facebook. No, I love Facebook. It's so great for so many reasons and I can't figure out what all the haters are hating on. I get the impression that it is "cool" to be anti-facebook, and if that's the case, let me formally announce my un-coolness. My immediate family doesn't do Facebook at all. My dad gave it try but people aren't his thing, so off he went. My mom doesn't enjoy all the wonders of the internet so it's no wonder she isn't interested in it. My brother, my sister and my in-laws don't do "the Facebook" either. I know a lot of people think it's just some big high school reunion that they have no desire to attend, but that's such a tiny part of it. It's also very nice to discover all these diamond in the rough people who you never got to know all that well. Besides, how many adults are EXACTLY the same now as they were in high school? Many people jump to conclusions when answering that question, but I will tell you many are VERY different (but some are still back-stabbing bitches who I refuse to "friend" cause I wisely burned them bridges long ago, NEVER to rebuild!) The teen years weren't the best years for most folks and adulthood has pleasantly matured most of us. I was, for the most part, a total bitch in high school and Facebook is a way to overcome that. Back then I was in a huge rush to get high school over with and turn 21 already. My head was elsewhere for so much of high school and despite the fact that my school was very small, I still failed to get to know some people who I now know are hilarious (Mike and Daniel). My "friend list" is filled with all sorts of great people that I never really got a chance to know well. People, who would other wise just be casual acquaintances ,have become people I REALLY like. And it's not just high school people who have turned out to be so much more than I ever would have guessed. It's quiet girls from elementary school and junior high. It's old neighbors and co-workers that I never would have thought I had so much in common with. Facebook is a strange, yet effective way to communicate to others what you are really about. It's not your hair, your car, your clothes, or your image that count in the facebook realm, it's your personality that's on display......if you know how to express yourself. There are so many people who feel far more comfortable typing and "liking" things than they do talking face to face. And the way I see it, there is nothing wrong with that. Good for them for finding their comfort zone. I'm outgoing in both worlds (hello I do hair) but it's been so nice to get to know people who are great on the internet, but still might seem a bit closed off in person. Facebook really helps to break down that invisible social barrier that a lot of people deal with in the real world. I'm also not ashamed to say that my day-to-day Facebook friends have become my "co-workers" if you will. I'm a stay at home mom and I also work from home. I love that I can do this, but I absolutely miss all my friendships that I had with all my old co-workers.......especially salon girls. Not having those relationships that are based on day to day chit chat is hard. Facebook is a great way for me to have that void filled in a little. I know there are lots of people who would find that statement a bit pathetic, and many more who secretly agree, but it's so true for me. I am SO SOCIAL! I thrive on relating with other people and this blog is really an extension of that. So there it is Facebook haters. It's not so bad if you give it a try.

Monday, April 2, 2012

Costco...with Dave

I just flat out don't like to go to Costco with Dave. If I'm being honest, it's way easier going there with just two kids. When he get there, he turns into the third kid. Only he's not my kid, because he isn't as well trained as my kids are. Dave wanders away from the cart......for a long time. My girls wouldn't dream of wandering away from the cart. They know I just don't play that. If it's your prerogative to get lost, then you best believe I won't stop you. I'm not there for fun. I'm there to get all the random shit that I must think I really need because I've not only played their horrible parking lot game, but I've also BOUGHT a freaking membership. Every time I think about my "membership fee" I want to smack myself in the face. Why Stefanie, why have you acted like such a fool and payed a store to "let" you shop there? It's so stupid and as you can see I haven't really come to terms with it yet.
So each time we go to Costco as a family, it's the exact same story. We walk through the doors and immediately Dave looks intently at all the huge flat screen t.v.'s as if the cheapest couple on the planet are going to suddenly go crazy and purchase an enormous flat screen on a whim. An impulse buy perhaps??? But no, of course we aren't going to actually buy one, so I get him out of dream land and back to the program. Next he looks at the cameras. We actually did buy a nice camera a few years ago and there is no need to browse the Nikons anymore. But don't tell him that. He don't wanna hear it. Next he wants to browse the clothes. Dave is very tall and "regular" size clothes don't usually cut it. He can't just buy a long sleeve shirt at Costco. His arms are way to long to permit such a purchase. Nothing is long enough. None of their jeans are going to come in his waist size with the length he needs. Apparently, most stores believe that if you are tall, you must also be super fat????? I've looked around a bit and at least in Utah, tall doesn't usually mean fat, but who am I to stop this long standing tradition that most stores have? Now his next stop has to do with the season. If it's Christmas or October (because they put that stuff our really early) Dave will need to look at all the Christmas stuff. He goes ape shit for Christmas, so he NEEDS to look at the decorations and think about buying some (though he isn't really going to buy any). If it's spring or summer, he needs to have a thorough look at any plants, trees or shrubs they might be selling. He NEEDS to see it all. He needs to consider buying all of it. Next it's the tools. We are always considering buying giant sets of tools and pricey red boxes to store them in. I can't recall the last time we NEEDED a wrench with 500 attachments, but apparently we do need it. We need it so bad that we will most likely NEVER buy it. But he needs to at least consider buying it. Then he needs to check out all the cakes, cookies and steaks. We most likely won't be buying any of these because we need to drop a few pounds, but we must look at them. We then come the section of the store where we do buy things. Dave gets salt for the water softener and I get all our frozen chicken and fish. By this point I have had it. All the folks who are desperate to try the samples are now clogging the aisles, coyly waiting for that ravioli to get done cooking so that they can act like they are really considering purchasing some. I've touched on this before but it was over the top on my most recent trip to Costco. There were grown men hovering all around these old ladies who hand out the samples. These dudes are just standing there waiting for their food to get done cooking as if this is a fast food joint and they are waiting for their orders. But they still have to plan the dumb game where they are acting like they're going to trick this old gal. I want to yell, "Hey idiots, this isn't grandma's personal stash of ravioli. She is giving them away! She isn't going to go home and cry because you are a pig. This is her job to give all this crap away!"
There are carts and idiots EVERYWHERE and I'm starting to lose my shit. I gotta get out of this place ASAP. We make our way to the front and we will need to argue over which line is going to move the quickest. Dave will now consider buying a Churro, but I'll tell him it's horribly unfair to eat a Churro in front of a child who's food allergies prevent her from eating one. He'll agree and decide it's for the best because he's trying to lose a few pounds again. The kids will fight like cats and dogs over who gets to hold our receipt. Remember that is the magic ticket that makes it possible for us to leave the store with all this garbage I already bought. Thank you door guy! You're job is crazy important. We wouldn't want anyone leaving the premises without you pretending to count all the shit their carts!
So yeah, I don't like going with Dave.

Sunday, April 1, 2012