Monday, April 2, 2012

Costco...with Dave

I just flat out don't like to go to Costco with Dave. If I'm being honest, it's way easier going there with just two kids. When he get there, he turns into the third kid. Only he's not my kid, because he isn't as well trained as my kids are. Dave wanders away from the cart......for a long time. My girls wouldn't dream of wandering away from the cart. They know I just don't play that. If it's your prerogative to get lost, then you best believe I won't stop you. I'm not there for fun. I'm there to get all the random shit that I must think I really need because I've not only played their horrible parking lot game, but I've also BOUGHT a freaking membership. Every time I think about my "membership fee" I want to smack myself in the face. Why Stefanie, why have you acted like such a fool and payed a store to "let" you shop there? It's so stupid and as you can see I haven't really come to terms with it yet.
So each time we go to Costco as a family, it's the exact same story. We walk through the doors and immediately Dave looks intently at all the huge flat screen t.v.'s as if the cheapest couple on the planet are going to suddenly go crazy and purchase an enormous flat screen on a whim. An impulse buy perhaps??? But no, of course we aren't going to actually buy one, so I get him out of dream land and back to the program. Next he looks at the cameras. We actually did buy a nice camera a few years ago and there is no need to browse the Nikons anymore. But don't tell him that. He don't wanna hear it. Next he wants to browse the clothes. Dave is very tall and "regular" size clothes don't usually cut it. He can't just buy a long sleeve shirt at Costco. His arms are way to long to permit such a purchase. Nothing is long enough. None of their jeans are going to come in his waist size with the length he needs. Apparently, most stores believe that if you are tall, you must also be super fat????? I've looked around a bit and at least in Utah, tall doesn't usually mean fat, but who am I to stop this long standing tradition that most stores have? Now his next stop has to do with the season. If it's Christmas or October (because they put that stuff our really early) Dave will need to look at all the Christmas stuff. He goes ape shit for Christmas, so he NEEDS to look at the decorations and think about buying some (though he isn't really going to buy any). If it's spring or summer, he needs to have a thorough look at any plants, trees or shrubs they might be selling. He NEEDS to see it all. He needs to consider buying all of it. Next it's the tools. We are always considering buying giant sets of tools and pricey red boxes to store them in. I can't recall the last time we NEEDED a wrench with 500 attachments, but apparently we do need it. We need it so bad that we will most likely NEVER buy it. But he needs to at least consider buying it. Then he needs to check out all the cakes, cookies and steaks. We most likely won't be buying any of these because we need to drop a few pounds, but we must look at them. We then come the section of the store where we do buy things. Dave gets salt for the water softener and I get all our frozen chicken and fish. By this point I have had it. All the folks who are desperate to try the samples are now clogging the aisles, coyly waiting for that ravioli to get done cooking so that they can act like they are really considering purchasing some. I've touched on this before but it was over the top on my most recent trip to Costco. There were grown men hovering all around these old ladies who hand out the samples. These dudes are just standing there waiting for their food to get done cooking as if this is a fast food joint and they are waiting for their orders. But they still have to plan the dumb game where they are acting like they're going to trick this old gal. I want to yell, "Hey idiots, this isn't grandma's personal stash of ravioli. She is giving them away! She isn't going to go home and cry because you are a pig. This is her job to give all this crap away!"
There are carts and idiots EVERYWHERE and I'm starting to lose my shit. I gotta get out of this place ASAP. We make our way to the front and we will need to argue over which line is going to move the quickest. Dave will now consider buying a Churro, but I'll tell him it's horribly unfair to eat a Churro in front of a child who's food allergies prevent her from eating one. He'll agree and decide it's for the best because he's trying to lose a few pounds again. The kids will fight like cats and dogs over who gets to hold our receipt. Remember that is the magic ticket that makes it possible for us to leave the store with all this garbage I already bought. Thank you door guy! You're job is crazy important. We wouldn't want anyone leaving the premises without you pretending to count all the shit their carts!
So yeah, I don't like going with Dave.

No comments:

Post a Comment