Friday, June 15, 2012

Can't We All Just Get Along?

Ever find yourself wanting to have a nice day with your family only to discover that your brood doesn't know how to do that "correctly"?    By correctly I mean, they don't behave in a manner that television shows and commercials have led me to believe that they should.  Sometimes we do simple activities that should make us all very happy and entertained, but instead we argue or get snippy with each other.  Why can't my family drive down a lonely highway in a Honda Pilot and spontaneously start singing Ozzy Osbourne's Crazy Train?  It looked simple enough in the Honda commercial.  All the family members looked happy and eager to participate.  My peeps don't roll like that.  It irritates me.

Our family car rides go more like this:
We get in the car and pull out of the garage.  Dave then reminds me to shut the garage, because Dave believes that I would never have thought of that on my own.  The fact that I drive my car five days a week without him and I close the garage door every time, seems to be lost on him.  He will also let me know when I need to slow down for a red light and he never forgets to remind me to lock the car in parking lots.  Again, he is the voice of driving wisdom that every 33 year old needs to hear, because she couldn't possibly remember to do these things on her own...

Aside from the back seat driving, our family also contends with a rare condition known as "Everybody-wants-to-be-the-DJ-itis".  Sasha wants to hear song 7....she will literally die of sadness if this song isn't put on immediately!  Don't plan on enjoying any other song because her sadness will wreck it completely.  Lyla wants song 5.  She doesn't know what song that is, but her heart is set on the number 5 so she begs for it.  She is three years old, so it's usually pretty easy just to say, this IS song 5, and she'll be happy.  Sometimes she's not fooled and the water works will follow.  Where does this kid get her endless supply of tears???

Dave will want to hear a song he doesn't know the title of, by a band he can't recall the name of.  His Alzheimer's requests usually go like this, "Remember that one song that I heard one day and I told you I liked it?  It's by a band with a guy singer, at least I think it's a guy.  What's it called?  You know, we heard it that one day when we were driving somewhere.....oh I can't remember where we were going.  C'mon, I know you know it."  I want to have no clue what he's talking about and make him suffer for his lack of memory, but unfortunately I almost always know exactly what he is looking for.   Sometimes if I'm feeling jerky, I'll just pretend I have no clue what he means and let him continue with the worlds most vague song description.

After a particularly tedious car ride with the family, I came up with a brilliant idea!  It had been one of those days where an hour on the freeway seemed like an eternity.  Lyla was kicking the back of my seat.  The girls would not stop bothering, touching, hitting, poking each other.  The whining and squealing was constant and my teeth gritting threats where useless.  If we'd seen a road side stand offering vasectomies, I'd have pulled over and shoved Dave and my credit card out the door.  We've all had at least one car trip like this.  So I got a fantastic idea and instead of making my dream a reality, I just wrote it as a status update on faceboook.  I finally got around to making it in E-card form.  Tell me this isn't a great idea for any family.


  1. Road side vasectomies! Super funny Stef!

  2. Amen Stef, I need me a limo too, would solve SO MANY PROBLEMS.