Out of Patience

Bachelor Monday

The best part of primarily being a "stay at home mom" is that Mondays don't suck at all, especially during "Bachelor Season". In fact, I sort of love Mondays. Both kids go to school for a little bit and there is that wonderful Bachelor anticipation all day long. I realize that this statement sounds so pathetic, but I almost always have a fantastic day when I know that one of my favorite shows will be on later that night. If that isn't appreciating the little things in life, I don't know what is.

Today shouldn't be a wonderful day. I have a kid home sick from school and I stepped on a Lego (barefoot on the wood floor) so hard yesterday that the sole of my foot was gushing blood. I was in severe pain, but I was impressed by how much the bottom of ones foot can bleed. I've never cut myself there before. Stepping on Lego's in carpet is nothing in comparison that awful wound! But I digress. Today is super dull, but the thought of watching Sean's fantasy suite dates tonight has brightened every last bit of my day. I just folded all the laundry that my husband "forgot" he left in the dryer and I wasn't even bugged. That is the magic of a good show.

I have read the latest episode of US Weekly, cover to cover, and they tried to spoil my fantasy date episode. If you don't keep up on gossip magazines, the big news about Sean is that he's some sort of born again virgin so there isn't going to be any funny business inside those closed hotel room doors. I don't care. Whatever floats your boat (or not) Sean. I don't care if they make-out, chat, watch porn while snorting coke or even if they play a little scrabble.  Doesn't bother me a bit. I've watched enough Bachelor drama in my day to know that I wasn't going to see any of the get it on action anyway. I'm sure he is a virgin again (whatever that means) and more power to him. I have no doubt in my mind that he still wants to have a hardcore make-out session with each one of those girls and honestly who doesn't love a good hot and heavy make-out? That's some of the hottest stuff around. If you can recall your life's best make-out sessions, you'll probably agree. My point is that I'm just so happy to be getting my Bachelor fix tonight! This whole season has been like a good book. I want to know how it's going to end so bad, but I'll be devastated when it's actually over. It's going to be a great episode!

I CAN'T WAIT (even if Sean claims he can)!

Congratulations!

It happens everyday

Hardcore Runner

Here in Utah, we see every season to it's fullest. It's so cold your snot freezes in February and by July you're seeing a freak mirage in the street because it's so hot and dry. Some folks adapt well to the change, acting as though weather has no effect on them. These weirdos are the hardcores.

This morning, I woke up to snow on the ground and the sky was eagerly dumping more. It's sure pretty, but you know the roads are going to icy and you have to factor in time for shoveling. It's only a few months out of the year, but still when you're running late, it's an inconvenience for sure. This morning was just that. I'm trying to get the kids in the car to get them to school and I have to hurry and do some quick cardio shoveling of the drive way. I moved the snow really fast and broke a little sweat to warm me up. Now we pull out of the driveway in a super low gear and four wheel drive in hopes that our car doesn't slide straight down the hill into the school cross walk.

We took it really slow and arrived at the first stop, the elementary school, without incident. Kids are slipping left and right and plenty of cars are fishtailing, trying to find some traction on the slick roads. I drop off kid one and proceed to pre-school. I pull out, very slowly this time, onto a super narrow road that is always really slick. It's dangerous to drive on this narrow road, but I have no choice. That's when I see it. One of the dumbest and yet most common sights to witness on this narrow, twisty stretch of road. The hardcore runner.

Try as I might, I can't figure out the thought process of the hardcore runner. I don't know if they've just seen to many Nike ads and the compulsion to "Just Do It" is tattooed on their brains. I can't figure out why they MUST go for a run in a snow storm. I guess I should admire the dedication, but the stupidity always overrides the admiration.

A glimpse into the hardcore runners mind. I'm guessing here, so bear with me:

Why don't I just glance out the window while I drink my protein shake. Oh hell yeah, a blizzard. So my run is on for sure! Now the question is what should I wear. I totally had my heart set on my fluorescent running shorts with the one inch inseam. They seem to show off the most leg possible without exposing my nut sack (and I am a heterosexual man, so that seems normal), but I'll be practical today and just wear my spandex man leggings.

Now for my route. Let's see here. There has got to be a road nearby that has ZERO sidewalks and it must be incredibly narrow. I want to ensure that I'm either hit and killed during my morning run, or at least guarantee that traffic will have to stop while I gallivant the narrows of the barely snow plowed road. I hope those economy cars have their snow tires on, because I need my space on tiny roads. OMG, I've got it! Old Post Road, and if I time it just right, I can run it during the morning school drop off! I'm so hardcore! I'm so ready to JUST DO IT! Those Ethiopians that always win the marathons have nothing on me! Now where did I put my Nike windbreaker???? Oh yes, it's hanging on my treadmill.

An Open Letter

I Did I Become This Person?

This morning, I dropped my child off at school. That seems normal enough. The trouble with it was my ensemble. I drove my kid to school while wearing a nightgown, pants, snow boots and a coat. My face looked dead and my hair looked like I've been camping for weeks. Oh and here's the kicker....no bra what so ever. When did I become my mother? I so vividly recall being driven to school by the exact transient that I have become. My child wasn't mortified by my outfit and overall look, not yet at least. I figure I have maybe one more year of rocking the "hot mess in the morning" look until my kid refuses the ride altogether.

The only bright side of looking so bad at the morning drop off is that when you peek into the drivers seats of the other cars, half the other moms looked just as haggard as I do. Most of us will get our shit together by pick-up time. I will make an effort to be one of them. I am certain that our cute little crossing guard thinks that Sasha has two lesbian mothers. There's the homely one (who probably wears Birkenstocks) that waves to her in the morning and the put together gal (who wears gorgeous high heel boots) that waves to her in the afternoon.

 As for now, I might as well hop on the treadmill and run up a sweat because this head of hair needs washing anyway. Tomorrow I swear that I will get a bra on before breakfast and I vow to avoid wearing snow boots with my nightgown, especially when it isn't snowing and the suns out. Sorry kid, I swear that I love you and I didn't mean to become this weirdo.

Babies Are Great But Big Kids Are AWESOME

Who doesn't want to snuggle a newborn baby? No one. I would love to spend my morning tucked in my bed, cuddled up with a sweet, little, sleeping baby.  It's thoughts like that that make me want to have another baby, but there is something so cool about having big kids too. I also like to give myself a big reality check and remember that I wouldn't have time to lay in my bed with that sweet little baby, because my job as short order cook and butler begins each day at the crack of dawn. My services are VERY much needed in the kitchen.

 I LOVE having a six year old right now. I don't have to change her diapers and I'm not terrified of her falling down the stairs. She helps me with the dishes and she's able to tell me what she wants instead of making me guess which cry means what. My oldest is becoming pleasantly more independent everyday. This morning I found one more thing I love about having an older kid, she can read. This is the first year that I was able to tuck a valentine into her lunch box. She'll get to read a sweet little card at lunch and see on paper how much she means to me. Sasha is super sentimental and dramatic in a cute way. That little card, even though it's from her mom, will mean a lot to her. All signs point to her being a hopeless romantic as an adult. I love it and it made me so happy to feed that adorable part of her personality.

I LOVE having an almost four year old too. She was so excited to fill out her Valentines cards. She woke up this morning, and ran to my room to be the first one to tell me Happy Valentines day! It was adorable. Today she's wearing her Valentine shirt and a pink tutu. She's in heaven. And on top of it all, I don't have to change her diapers either. She tells me when she's hungry, when she's tired and when she NEEDS to go home to do a little Mario Kart racing (she's a crazy good racing champion because the apple doesn't fall far from the tree). Her little girl thought process entertains me every single day. I can't wait until I can write her a thoughtful card and tuck it into her lunch box. Big kids are awesome!

 

Happy Valentine's Day

I Needed These in the 90's

 

I do have a few to add to the pile:

 

You'll Do 4 Now

 

Selling Myself Short

 

You Look Hot Through My Beer Goggles!

 

Way 2 Much Cologne

 

Booty Call!

 

What Was Your Name Again?

  

U Need a Mint or 10!

 

U Bought Flowers at 7-11?

 

You Didn't Call, I Have Caller ID

 

Friend Zone

 

Not Gonna Happen...EVER

 

I Love Your Mix Tape!

 

I LOVE U...when I'm drunk

 

Do you "Like Me" Like Me?

Don't Want to "Hang Out"

 

Take Me Out!!!

 

Take a Hint

 

I Shaved My Legs 4 This?

 

So What Are We???

 

See U Around

 

Go 2 Hell In A Handbag!

 

U and Me 4 Ever...unless I find someone better

 

 

Bachelor Goodness!!!

That's right, 3 EXCLAMATION POINTS!!!

(Be warned, I have had almost twice my daily coffee allowance and I'm bouncing off the freaking walls right now.)
This week was a Bachelor fans dream come true. Not one, but TWO new episodes! It was big time drama and frankly overwhelmingly exciting. I almost went into convulsions when I heard the good news at the end of last weeks episode. Dave probably contemplated taking me to the emergency room. What can I say though? It was Christmas come way early and I was overjoyed. Next Tuesday night I'll feel the void, but I loved it last night!

Poor Sean has a great set of problems right now. Never in all my years as a Bachelor fan, have I seen a guy with so many amazing women to chose from. All the remaining women (except Tierra) are top notch girlfriend / wife material. This poor guy has to find some new criteria for whittling this group down. They are all gorgeous, most of them are funny and most of them love a good make-out session. I just can't imagine who he'll send home next week, besides cray-cray Tierra, but I bet he'll keep her because he has an odd infatuation with her. It's mind boggling. Doesn't he see the crazy plastered all over her?

Dave very much believes that Tierra was put there on purpose by the producers. He always claims that she was planted there to amp up the drama. I'm not blind, I see his point, but I don't think it's that tough to find a crazy drama queen in the real world. We've all seen them, we've all heard about them and some of us have, at times, been them. Myself included, when I was very young and even more immature than I am now. Sad but true. Dave's theory could be true, but I demanded that he stop saying it and just enjoy the drama she provides. I seriosly doubt she'll be in the top four.

Lindsey, Desiree, Ashlee and Catherine

 

 

I predict these will be the top four girls. I like Lesley too and I wonder if she'll replace Catherine, but so far I'm going with Catherine because she's adorable.

 

The Lake Louise scenery was gorgeous, but I don't know if Sean is the greatest date planner. Playing in the snow is fun (with kids and sleds), but what woman wants to play in the snow on a date, in a freezing blizzard? Not I.... but Catherine made the best of it. Her whole date just looked like it would have been freezing cold. It upset me, but maybe that's just because I was really cold when I watched it.

 

Then on the next group date he thought the women would like to take a freezing cold canoe ride and then finish it off with a "polar bear plunge" into the freezing cold lake. First off, canoes are sketchy and the women were all dolled up with their hair and make-up done and they all had on their cutest boots. These poor gals are in fancy date mode, not canoe and submerge your head in freezing water mode. I would be so pissed if that was my date. I hate getting my hair wet unless I have some advance warning. If I washed, dried and curled my hair, there is just no way in hell that I'm dunking myself in a lake, especially with mascara on. It's just a worse case scenario. I'd rather do anything else! I'd rather get some dental work done! Bad date Sean.

 

Next week they will be on the gorgeous beaches of St. Croix and I can't imagine Sean could find a way to ruin those dates, but that's all part of the fun. The great unknown! I can't wait to see what new drama unfolds for my viewing pleasure!

Award Shows, Who Cares?

Yesterday morning, I had a rare moment where no kids were home and I wasn't in a mad rush to take shower and go pick anyone up. I finished the dishes and did something I never do, I sat down and turned on the T.V. I had recorded the Screen Actors Guild Awards, a.k.a the SAG Awards (what an awful acronym). I hit play and waited to be entertained...still waiting.

I was able to sit through twenty minutes of it before I started wondering why I was wasting my time watching it. A giant light bulb lit up above my head and it occurred to me that I don't care about who wins these ridiculous awards. Once you officially don't care, the whole show looks different. You're able to look at all the pompous, arrogant, narcissistic actors and have a good laugh at them.

 Most of them are botoxed into oblivion. I'm not saying I'm anti-botox, but a dab will do ya if you know what I mean. These women (and men, let's be honest) are taking facial paralysis to a whole new level. Helen Hunt is unrecognizable. Would I be utterly disgusted if I witnessed the upper half of her face moving? Is that a grotesque sight that she's shielding me from?  It's laughable how intensely the red carpet community suffers from "First World Problems".

 Their demure gazes into the camera, the ridiculous poses, and the acceptance speeches that would have you believing the actors had cured cancer. "I'd like to thank my Hollywood spouse and my amazing agent and my brilliant cast!"  I don't think your spouse has anything to do with it. Let's give credit where credits due. Your first grade teacher who taught you how to read should be thanked and the writer who wrote the words that you repeated verbatim should also be thanked. Am I right? It's absurd. Yay for you actors, you are insanely talented for reading and being able to repeat what you read! And to top it all off, your face was totally paralyzed while you did it and your girdle like undergarments successfully strangled your body at the same time! Perhaps you were also successfully starving yourself while you did all this. Bravo!

The bad news is that I'm one of the people that would appear to care about the 42 yearly actor award ceremonies. If I don't care, who will?  I should mention that I was slightly entertained by a tiny bit of the show. At one point a presenter took a moment to thank all the men and women of the armed forces that are serving our country. She hoped that they would thoroughly enjoy the show from their barracks in the Middle East. I did laugh about that, not because I'm not grateful for our military and their service, I am. I found it hilarious because I couldn't get one man (my husband) to sit though two minutes of the SAG Awards, so I can't imagine thousands of men sitting in a room all giddy to watch the SAG Awards. I don't know if the military still has that "Don't ask, don't tell" policy, but I don't think a SAG Awards viewing party would be conducive to that policy....if you know what I mean.

Wow

Don't Raise a Hater

There is a jerk kid in my daughters class. You know that there are tons of jerk kids in the world, and there's bound to be at least one in your kids classroom, but it's disheartening all the same when you discover the jerk kids identity.

 I came to know the jerk kids name one morning while helping my daughter get dressed for school.  She wanted to wear her pink jeans and I ran upstairs to her closet to grab her a shirt that would look good with them. The shirt was white with long sleeves. It has a picture of Justin Bieber on it. My daughter loves this shirt, or rather loved it. She got upset when I showed her the shirt I brought downstairs for her. She said she didn't want to wear it because Jerkface (I'm protecting his real identity) makes fun of her when she wears that shirt. I was outraged when I heard this. Let me remind you that my sweet child is in FIRST FREAKING GRADE!

 I got her a different shirt that morning, and I sat my kid down and had a little chat with her. It started with the most important point of all, "Why the hell do we care what Jerkface thinks about anything? I can tell you right now that Jerkfaces opinions aren't more important than yours. Do you feel the need to tell Jerkface what to wear and what music to like? No, you don't, because it's not your bees wax.  Jerkface needs to mind his own bees wax. To each their own dollface, to each their own." I was pleased to watch her process the teasing from a more empowered perspective. There is nothing wrong with a six year old girl wearing a Justin Bieber T-shirt, especially when we just went to his wonderful concert a few weeks ago. That was an amazing experience for my kid and she loves the music. It infuriates me that a six year old jerk boy feels it necessary to rain on her parade. What does he know? Not a damn thing. Last time I checked Jerkface wasn't the authority on fashion and music, I know this because that would be me...kidding. I sent my child to school that day with the absolute best tidbit of advice that I could give her.  "Jerkface is what we call a "hater" and let me tell you what haters do. Haters gonna hate! There's nothing we can do about it, except ignore them. Their hate isn't worth your time."

She went to school that day and she gave Jerkface a piece of her mind. She also shared with him this adorable bit of information, "My mom was very mad at you for making fun of my shirt." I was glad that she let him know that she told me. I volunteer in her class once a week so I know exactly who Jerkface is. I do reading tests with him every week. When I went to school yesterday, he was on his best behaviour with me. I didn't say a word about the teasing, but I could tell he thought I would. I was glad that my daughter handled it herself. This is probably the first of many incidents of this nature. I'm genuinely trying to instill my child with self confidence and I hope she grows up to be self assured. I don't want her to question her opinions or to be ashamed of liking the things she likes. Most of all I don't want her to ever believe that any one elses opinion of her matters more than her own. She is a sweetheart. She is pure and full of all the great stuff that makes a little girl giddy and innocent. If someone tries to rain on her parade, I intend to hold a giant umbrella over her.

 I asked my daughter if she hates anything enough to become a hater and her answer was perfect. "I hate throwing up frosted animal crackers. That was so gross and I won't ever eat them again! I hate them!" Now there's something worth hating. Take note Jerkface.

What Was I Thinking?

Gold Rush ( I heart Tony Beets)

Discovery Channel plays a little show every Friday night called Gold Rush. The first season was merely a small camera crew following a small group of down on their luck, wanna be gold miners. These guys new the basics of how to mine for gold and they seemed to have fairly good knowledge of how to run Dozers and Excavators. The season was full of mishaps and tiny bits of glory. It was the learning curve of figuring out what NOT to do when mining for gold that made the show so entertaining. People liked it, people watched, Discovery noticed.

Grandpa Schnabel

We started watching the show because Dave, like so many other men, has a deep desire to mine for gold. Any man I speak with about the show seems to have it too. It doesn't appeal to me as a thing I'd like to try one day. Now I'm not suggesting that I have more "normal" dreams (to be the One Last Lonely Girl chosen to be serenaded on stage by the Biebs), but the panning for gold thing seems to be a common one for men. It's all part of the American Dream. This explains the allure of the show....and grandpa Schnabel. If you don't know grandpa Schnabel, you really are missing out.

 

Fast forward to season three and the guys you first met are still there, still dumb as hell and hilarious. But now they have a couple of other mining crews and the show is produced on a much larger scale. They also show clips of a VERY successful Alaskan gold miner by the name of Tony Beets. I adore that crazy ass Tony Beets. I just want to hang out with him, and pick his brain a bit. He has some sort of rock star appeal about him. I don't find him attractive, but I want to be around him. He's a no nonse gold mining bad ass.  As much as I love Gold Rush, I would be a hardcore fan of a Tony Beets show as well (hint hint ). 

We still watch the show, but it's almost tiring just watching it. Each episode is an hour long and the season will probably have about 15 episodes. The trouble is that I have a sneaking suspicion that there might only be three solid hours of footage to fill the whole season.  This of course means that there will be tons of commercials and tons of repeating. After every commercial break, there will be at least two minutes of catch up narration. You could seriously start watching the show for the first time today and be fully caught up on everything that has happened over the last two seasons and the start of this one. 

The good thing about it is that Discovery Channel has targeted an audience that not many do. Those with short term memory loss and those with Alzheimer's. My memory is poor, and I LOVE to hear Tony Beets wisdom, so I'll keep watching.

Bachelor Sean

A while back, I wrote a post about Emily's season of the Bachelorette where I posted a photo of my cousin Dallin. My cousin is the long lost twin of Bachelor Sean. It's uncanny really. The first time I saw Sean on the screen, both my husband and I saw the crazy resemblance right away. I'll refresh your memory.



Sean, the bachelor

 

My cousin

Which one is which? It's crazy right?
I needed to remind people of this, because I'm can't be 100% certain, but I believe my cousin is available ladies!

Tierra

So I FINALLY got to watch the season premiere of the Bachelor! Last night I was able to see the second episode without any additional Comcast drama. I think he's going to have a great season. Dave and I both agree that he has a good looking bunch of girls. Even Tierra," the crazy one", is pretty. Sean seems WAY into this girl. He gave her a rose one minute after he met her. This is unheard of! I suspect he wants to get into her pants, but they have good "connection" so far. I can't tell yet if the other girls are jealous about that or if she is just a difficult personality. It looks like some serious drama will be coming with her next week.

We also saw the return of Kaci B., previously from Ben's season. Dave was VERY pleased to see her. He has a Bachelor crush on her for sure.He is stunned that she is even on the show, "I seriously doubt she any problem finding a date". He thinks she's good looking but she also has what he refers to as "the cute factor". I take it to mean she has a fun, bubbly personality that makes her adorable to all. Last night was the first time that Dave ever asked me if it bugs me that he thinks she's so cute. Why would I care? You can't be married to someone for a long time and honestly believe that you are the only person your spouse could ever possibly find attractive. Even I think Kaci B. is "Adorbs"! I think she seems like a fun girl and she comes across as a bit more real than some of the other gals.



Kaci B. Proof that my husband isn't blind!

I was pleased to see that my husband still has Zero interest in any blonds and anyone tall (I am fun size and dark haired) This season Sean has a model competing for his heart and she is gorgeous, but Dave made it clear that there is something he just doesn't find attractive about her. He finally pinpointed it by saying, "Maybe she's just too long". I found that hilarious and heart warming. My giant (6'5") likes his women fun size. I can't yet tell if Sean is into the model.


Just from the first two episodes, I have made my predictions for which girls will be left standing at the end. These are premature, but I'm usually right. In addition to the girls below, I hope that Kaci B. is there and there is also a possibility that Tierra will remain as well.

                        Ashlee                                                                                 Desiree

                       Lesley                                                                                   Lindsay