Tuesday, November 13, 2012

The Pumpkin Smashers

Sunday morning, my Facebook status read the following :"Some dumb ass teens tried to smash our pumpkins last night. In you face idiots! THEY'RE FROZEN!!! I hope somebody got seriously hurt!"

I loved that this happened. I'm nothing but pleased that some idiot walked up the icy path to my front porch in pursuit of my two pumpkins. I love it because it saved me from doing this task and there was no room for two solid pumpkins in my trash can anyway, due to a massive leaf clean up a few days prior. So I'm overjoyed that this idiot didn't understand that smashing a frozen pumpkin would yield very different results than smashing a soft one. I can only hope that this dumb ass kicked the pumpkin. I honestly would have paid money to have watched the whole thing play out. I would have paid double to have seen Dave watch a couple of strangers walk onto the front porch in the middle of the night. I've seen him flip his lid for a lot less. These kids must not have known who lived here, because Dave and I are trying our hardest to build up the reputation of being the scary people who will chase down "door-bell-ditchers" with a sawed off shotgun.

The first week of school, a couple of idiot boys learned a lasting lesson on their walk home from school. The two of them were taking turns ringing every door bell on the street and running away. I guess they were having great time with this game, that is until they knocked on my door. You see, my street is chalk full of geriatrics, but I'm a spry young thing. I'm no Usain Bolt, but I now know that I can easily outrun a ten year old boy with my bare feet. They banged on my door as I was filling a sippy cup for my child. I was out the door, sippy cup in hand, in no time. I watched what they were doing and I sprang into action. Within half a block I had the boys cornered. The one who was still standing took the brunt of it. I grabbed his back pack strap and wagged that sippy cup in his face. He got an ear full for sure. I may have even dropped a few four letter words in the process. I told them how disrespectful and idiotic it is to knock on some old persons door and make them hobble to the door on a bad hip for no good reason. I also told them that their parents should be ashamed of themselves for raising such jerky kids. Then I threatened to walk them both home so their moms could personally thank me for teaching them this valuable lesson. The boys looked like they'd peed themselves. I felt better and every kid within half a mile learned that you don't want to mess with the crazy, tiny, shoeless, large haired gal on this street.

The point is this. Teach your kids how to avoid being giant assholes. It isn't adorable and it will get them nowhere. I can't even think of one evening in my high school career that my friends and I were so bored that we wanted to smash pumpkins. The kids who do that sort of thing are the dumb ones who can't figure out how to get their hands on some wine coolers. Pathetic....

1 comment:

  1. I can think of plenty of times my friends and I were bored enough to wreck havoc on some unfortunate home-owners near by. Don't ever leave your live, yet deteriorating Christmas tree out on the curb to be picked up by the garbage man... you might get a door-bell ditch and a face full of pines. (tree leaned up against door, bell rung, SURPRISE!)