Tuesday, September 18, 2012

A Top Notch Career Plan!

In the wonderful words of Ice Cube, "Today was a good day!" That is to say my six year old daughter walked into school without shedding a single tear. Yes, a bribe was used to get this result, but that didn't taint the victory in the slightest. I will gladly give my child the gumdrops that I promised her and I will save a few for tomorrows bribe. Despite anything you might read in a child raising manual, I can assure you that bribes not only work, but they make life much easier! Imagine how much happier you'd be about cleaning your house or folding three baskets of laundry if someone bribed you into doing it with the promise of something great upon completion of the task. I'd shut my mouth and get to work, kids will too if the reward is candy.

I'm so happy that my kid is trying to accept that first grade is the only option on the table. Despite her many requests for me to home school her, she is beginning to hear me when I tell that it ain't gonna happen. I'm not cut out for being a home school teacher and my child has an adorably delusional idea of what home school entails. I think she would expect her day to go something like this:
  1. Watch Sponge Bob and Phineus and Ferb all day long.
  2. Play as much Angry Birds as her eyes can stand.
  3. Eat "snacks" all day long.
  4. Ride along with mom on boring errands.
  5. Sweep all the hair in moms salon.
  6. Ride bikes/scooters.
  7. Get the mail.
  8. Be tested on all of the following...
It's not a wonder she'd prefer this ideal scenario to the realities of first grader life. She's finally chosen to understand that her only option is to endure school and get an education. I asked her one night what kind of a life she could possibly have if she chose to drop out of the first grade? She didn't have an answer right then, but she gave herself a day to think about it and she came up with a life plan.

She sat me down the following night and laid out the details of her future if she did in fact drop out of first grade. It was a genius plan and I'll share it with you.
"I figured it all out mom. I can teach kindergarten. I already know everything about kindergarten so I wouldn't need to go to anymore school for that. Plus, I'd only be at school for half of the day, because I liked half day way better than full day. My husband (she's always married in her foretellings of the future) can watch the kids in the morning and then maybe he can teach afternoon kindergarten. That way nobody has to be at the school ALL DAY, because it's really bad all day mom. Is that a good idea mom?"

I had to hand it to her. This sounds like a top notch plan to me too. This kid of mine is a hell of a planner and I told her so. Does a kid this clever even need a formal education? I think not, but I did the right thing and encouraged her to stick it out, at least through Junior High. She promised to try and I promised gum drops if she made it into the building without crying. So far, so good! Excuse me now while I start finishing my basement into an apartment. I think my daughter and her future husband are probably going to be living here for a very long time on those part-time salaries.

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