Thursday, May 30, 2013


Costco aggravates me. Yes, I'm a member there. I choose to go there, but I find myself getting incredibly irritated almost every time I shop there. Oddly enough, I pay for this experience. It's mind boggling.

I am 90% certain that my death will occur in the Costco parking lot. It's a morbid thought, but honestly I suspect that this is my fate. It could happen any number of ways. An aggressive mini-van mom could mindlessly back right into me because her cargo area is stacked to the brim with frozen waffles and toilet paper.  She could also just ram me head on because she remembers that I'm the huge haired guidette that took victory from her in an earlier parking spot battle. What can I say, my blinker is brighter and I won't take no for an answer.

My death could also stem from a physical brawl. Hand to hand combat if you will. Why, just last week Dave almost got into a fist fight with a middle aged Prius driver. This old dude made a classic error. He didn't get to pull out of his parking spot for a bit because parking lot traffic was rather heavy. So he did what we all do in that scenario. He started talking shit. That's all fine and dandy in the winter, but it can get you into trouble when the weather's nice, because we tend to forget that everyone can hear that smack talk when our windows are down.

 This fellas trash talk was LOUD (like he was speaking in capital letters loud), and Dave wasn't havin' it. Something just comes over people in that damn parking lot, rage I think it is. So my husband slammed on the brakes and put the car in park. He then exited the vehicle to see if old man really wanted to continue the brawl once he saw who he had mistakenly chosen to battle (a descendant of the Vikings). Needless to say, grandpa shut his trap and drove home. I loved every second of this encounter. I suspect that this is ultimately what is wrong with me.

I've also thought that my death could happen just as easily inside the walls of the store. Any number of ways really. It could be as simple as me refusing to show my membership card at the door. It's a warehouse store for goodness sake!!! It's not like I'm trying to waltz into a North Korea. Maybe the "bouncer" at the Costco entrance won't be in the mood for my antics and bam, I'm bludgeoned to death with a flat screen or a large jar of mayonnaise. You just never know.

My mouth could get me into trouble too. Sometimes my thought bubbles burst and I accidentally voice my inner judgements aloud. Like yesterday for example. I was looking over the produce when I spied a woman that was practically begging me to judge her. She was at Costco, midday, just like me, only she was dressed like a dowdy hooker. I couldn't help wondering why anyone would bother dressing like a homely street walker when their plans include a trip to a warehouse store? I don't know if she heard me, but I couldn't help myself from letting out a sad, "Oh boy" upon seeing her awful ensemble. I mean honestly, if you're dead set on looking like a lady of the night, at least make a better effort and look hot. If I was her pimp, I'd smack her around over that outfit choice for sure.

The last cause of death is pretty simple. Cardiac arrest. I had a hell of a meal there yesterday. Nope, it wasn't the pizza and churros at the front of the store. I ate enough greasy, delicious samples to harden and clog even the fittest of arteries. My sample lunch was delectable. Sausage, potato ravioli, cheese ravioli, pot stickers, teriyaki chicken, popcorn, cheddar cheese (like anyone has NEVER tasted cheddar cheese???), granola bar, potato chips and pasta with a lovely red sauce. Why anyone would waste their money on food at the front of the store is just beyond me. They are handing it out for free all over the store! Well, not exactly free, I did buy a membership to eat that free lunch. I'm dumb as hell sometimes.

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