Friday, September 28, 2012
Wednesday, September 26, 2012
Halloween Costume Procrastination
I am almost going to make my daughters their Halloween costumes. I say "almost" because I am actively procrastinating. They both want to be (wait for it.....), Disney princesses! Weird huh? They wear evening gowns during the majority of the time they spend at home, but they are ready to carry it over into their "Halloween Looks" too.
This surprises me a little bit with Sasha. Last week I decide that I wanted to run to Papa Murphy's and grab a pizza for dinner. Both kids were playing a home in their princess dress up gowns. I didn't want to walk upstairs and track down their clothes for the quick trip to the pizza place, so I just put them in the car with their gowns on. Lyla, age three, was OVERJOYED! Sasha, age six, decided that she was going to be shy and embarrassed to be seen in public with her gown on. No one batted an eye at the sight of little girls in ball gowns at 4:45 on a Friday. I knew that no one would make a big fuss about it. I love seeing kids wear their dress up clothes out in public without a legit excuse to do so. Especially when it's a little boy in one of those super hero costumes with the built in "fake muscles". Hopefully Sasha will feel secure in her gown when shes got Halloween as the excuse.
Sasha wants to be Rapunzel and Lyla chose to be Belle. I bought the fabric and all the trim and I'm ready to roll. I don't use patterns because I am allergic to them and I always end up getting confused and angry. I just sort of wing it and let the design happen. I am very capable of making and embellishing pretty dresses, the trouble I have is fitting them properly. I'm always scared that they'll end up too small, so I over compensate and they always end up way to big. I lose sleep at night over this fact. Monday night I found myself awake at 4:30 A.M. contemplating if I should cheat and make stretchy bodices as opposed to fitted with zippers. I'm still at a loss on this one.
This is a really pathetic problem to have and I realize that I'm only writing this post to postpone the first step of costume making, cutting the fabric. Once it's cut, there's no going back. I refuse to buy more fabric, so I have to get the proportions right the first time. UGGGGG! It doesn't help that one of my kids is at school and completely unavailable for the random draping and fittings that I will need her to endure. They will both turn out just fine, but I guess I'll have to start sewing in order for that to happen. Oh dread, here I go.
This surprises me a little bit with Sasha. Last week I decide that I wanted to run to Papa Murphy's and grab a pizza for dinner. Both kids were playing a home in their princess dress up gowns. I didn't want to walk upstairs and track down their clothes for the quick trip to the pizza place, so I just put them in the car with their gowns on. Lyla, age three, was OVERJOYED! Sasha, age six, decided that she was going to be shy and embarrassed to be seen in public with her gown on. No one batted an eye at the sight of little girls in ball gowns at 4:45 on a Friday. I knew that no one would make a big fuss about it. I love seeing kids wear their dress up clothes out in public without a legit excuse to do so. Especially when it's a little boy in one of those super hero costumes with the built in "fake muscles". Hopefully Sasha will feel secure in her gown when shes got Halloween as the excuse.
Sasha wants to be Rapunzel and Lyla chose to be Belle. I bought the fabric and all the trim and I'm ready to roll. I don't use patterns because I am allergic to them and I always end up getting confused and angry. I just sort of wing it and let the design happen. I am very capable of making and embellishing pretty dresses, the trouble I have is fitting them properly. I'm always scared that they'll end up too small, so I over compensate and they always end up way to big. I lose sleep at night over this fact. Monday night I found myself awake at 4:30 A.M. contemplating if I should cheat and make stretchy bodices as opposed to fitted with zippers. I'm still at a loss on this one.
This is a really pathetic problem to have and I realize that I'm only writing this post to postpone the first step of costume making, cutting the fabric. Once it's cut, there's no going back. I refuse to buy more fabric, so I have to get the proportions right the first time. UGGGGG! It doesn't help that one of my kids is at school and completely unavailable for the random draping and fittings that I will need her to endure. They will both turn out just fine, but I guess I'll have to start sewing in order for that to happen. Oh dread, here I go.
Sunday, September 23, 2012
Friday, September 21, 2012
Mugshot Lessons
Last week, Facebook suggested that I "Like" a page called Weber County Mugshots. I took the bait instantly. For anyone who may not know, many jails post their daily mugshots on their websites. Some people think this public shaming is unfair, but I look at it as the modern day stockades. Be good, and you won't find your photo on the mugshot site.
You get the photos but also a plethora of other information about the newest guests of the county jail. You get their age, height, weight, identifying marks (tattoos like a smiley face on the left butt cheek, and horribly spelled names like "Amathust"), known alias', bail amounts and the reason why this person has been arrested.
When the photos and information are all packaged together and posted in your Facebook News feed, it becomes very interesting stuff. It's almost a game at this point. You look at the photo and try to guess the crime based only on the photo. Meth possession is by far the easiest. There's nothing more obvious than the wrecked face of a meth head. You'll see this face of a ninety year old who's actual age is 27 and BINGO, you guessed it, meth!
The horrible part about receiving all this information is that you are suddenly aware of how many criminals are living in your city. There are so many more scary freak shows in O-town than I ever would have guessed and that's saying a lot, because I think most folks are freak shows. The information I now have about these people is troubling, but true. I've only been seeing the daily mugshots on Facebook for one week, but I have learned so much. These are the main points that I've picked up.
You get the photos but also a plethora of other information about the newest guests of the county jail. You get their age, height, weight, identifying marks (tattoos like a smiley face on the left butt cheek, and horribly spelled names like "Amathust"), known alias', bail amounts and the reason why this person has been arrested.
When the photos and information are all packaged together and posted in your Facebook News feed, it becomes very interesting stuff. It's almost a game at this point. You look at the photo and try to guess the crime based only on the photo. Meth possession is by far the easiest. There's nothing more obvious than the wrecked face of a meth head. You'll see this face of a ninety year old who's actual age is 27 and BINGO, you guessed it, meth!
The horrible part about receiving all this information is that you are suddenly aware of how many criminals are living in your city. There are so many more scary freak shows in O-town than I ever would have guessed and that's saying a lot, because I think most folks are freak shows. The information I now have about these people is troubling, but true. I've only been seeing the daily mugshots on Facebook for one week, but I have learned so much. These are the main points that I've picked up.
- SAY NO TO DRUGS! They weren't joking around in that D.A.R.E. program! Drugs are an expressway to jail.
- Don't get a tattoo on your face. I already knew this was a big no no, but now I know it's the first sign that you want to do some hard time. If you walk out of a tattoo parlor with fresh ink on your face, GO DIRECTLY TO JAIL! Do not pass go. Do not collect $200. They will find you eventually.
- Jail is freaking scary. If jail were an event invite on Facebook or and invitation on E-vites, I would decline solely based on the photos of those marked as "attending". That place is chalk full of creepers, women and men. These aren't the folks you want to spend time with.
- Never leave the house looking like shit. Apparently your odds of being arrested must quadruple if you're looking super bad. I've yet to see a single mugshot of someone looking "fresh to death". Jersey Shore star, Pauly D will never be going to jail if this data is correct. Looking super put together is sure fire way to avoid a mugshot photo session. Comb your hair, wear your teeth and stick to the straight and narrow.
- Trust NO ONE! These websites are available to the public for a reason. If you meet someone even slightly off, check the site for their mugshot. Joe Shmoe might just be one of Bobby McCriminals known alias'.
Thursday, September 20, 2012
My Husband Prefers...
If your husband prefers long, blond, Pamela Anderson hair, I hope it looks good with his complexion. Platinum hair really washes a lot of men's faces out, unless they are willing to use a bit of bronzer on their cheek bones. It's a lot of maintenance and it will look super ratty if he doesn't get it trimmed and colored regularly. It's important to tell men the day to day styling details so they can be sure that the look they want is something they are prepared to care for. Bret Michael's is a good example of a man who can pull off that look, but be warned, lots of men look stupid with long blond hair. Bret's only looks nice, because you can't see his roots (bandanna) and his stylist uses high quality extensions.
If you didn't get the joke here, I'm terribly sorry for wasting your time with that paragraph...
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
A Top Notch Career Plan!
In the wonderful words of Ice Cube, "Today was a good day!" That is to say my six year old daughter walked into school without shedding a single tear. Yes, a bribe was used to get this result, but that didn't taint the victory in the slightest. I will gladly give my child the gumdrops that I promised her and I will save a few for tomorrows bribe. Despite anything you might read in a child raising manual, I can assure you that bribes not only work, but they make life much easier! Imagine how much happier you'd be about cleaning your house or folding three baskets of laundry if someone bribed you into doing it with the promise of something great upon completion of the task. I'd shut my mouth and get to work, kids will too if the reward is candy.
I'm so happy that my kid is trying to accept that first grade is the only option on the table. Despite her many requests for me to home school her, she is beginning to hear me when I tell that it ain't gonna happen. I'm not cut out for being a home school teacher and my child has an adorably delusional idea of what home school entails. I think she would expect her day to go something like this:
She sat me down the following night and laid out the details of her future if she did in fact drop out of first grade. It was a genius plan and I'll share it with you.
"I figured it all out mom. I can teach kindergarten. I already know everything about kindergarten so I wouldn't need to go to anymore school for that. Plus, I'd only be at school for half of the day, because I liked half day way better than full day. My husband (she's always married in her foretellings of the future) can watch the kids in the morning and then maybe he can teach afternoon kindergarten. That way nobody has to be at the school ALL DAY, because it's really bad all day mom. Is that a good idea mom?"
I had to hand it to her. This sounds like a top notch plan to me too. This kid of mine is a hell of a planner and I told her so. Does a kid this clever even need a formal education? I think not, but I did the right thing and encouraged her to stick it out, at least through Junior High. She promised to try and I promised gum drops if she made it into the building without crying. So far, so good! Excuse me now while I start finishing my basement into an apartment. I think my daughter and her future husband are probably going to be living here for a very long time on those part-time salaries.
I'm so happy that my kid is trying to accept that first grade is the only option on the table. Despite her many requests for me to home school her, she is beginning to hear me when I tell that it ain't gonna happen. I'm not cut out for being a home school teacher and my child has an adorably delusional idea of what home school entails. I think she would expect her day to go something like this:
- Watch Sponge Bob and Phineus and Ferb all day long.
- Play as much Angry Birds as her eyes can stand.
- Eat "snacks" all day long.
- Ride along with mom on boring errands.
- Sweep all the hair in moms salon.
- Ride bikes/scooters.
- Get the mail.
- Be tested on all of the following...
She sat me down the following night and laid out the details of her future if she did in fact drop out of first grade. It was a genius plan and I'll share it with you.
"I figured it all out mom. I can teach kindergarten. I already know everything about kindergarten so I wouldn't need to go to anymore school for that. Plus, I'd only be at school for half of the day, because I liked half day way better than full day. My husband (she's always married in her foretellings of the future) can watch the kids in the morning and then maybe he can teach afternoon kindergarten. That way nobody has to be at the school ALL DAY, because it's really bad all day mom. Is that a good idea mom?"
I had to hand it to her. This sounds like a top notch plan to me too. This kid of mine is a hell of a planner and I told her so. Does a kid this clever even need a formal education? I think not, but I did the right thing and encouraged her to stick it out, at least through Junior High. She promised to try and I promised gum drops if she made it into the building without crying. So far, so good! Excuse me now while I start finishing my basement into an apartment. I think my daughter and her future husband are probably going to be living here for a very long time on those part-time salaries.
Friday, September 14, 2012
Hair Stylist Problems
It Didn't End Right
I hate when I get all pumped to read a book and I start reading it, only to find that it isn't my cup of tea at all. It's a let down, but you didn't get invested in the characters so you just stop reading it and move on. Though it is disappointing, especially if you bought the book. This is why I almost only read things that I can get from the local library. If I don't fall in love with it right away, I just return it and try another. Like dating, but with books.
The only thing worse than that, is reading a good book and then having the story go completely wrong. When the book suddenly turns sour, you can bet the ending will be irritating as well. This situation sucks, because it means that the whole thing started with tons of promise but the author turned out to be a jerk and ruined everything! Also like dating, but this is more like a bad break-up. So much chemistry, but the dude is an A-hole right down to the core. What ya gonna do right?
I just had a bad book break-up. The story had a lot of mystery and it could have blown my mind, but it didn't. I had been courting this particular book for a while. The library took forever to get a copy of it, so I waited for it. The wait just made the let down worse. The expectations of greatness were to high I suppose (again, just like dating).
The story is that of a wife and mother who died in a plane crash. She was going on this mystery trip. Her husband thought she was going to some painting seminar, but it was just a cover for some other secret trip. The story unfolds from the dead woman's journals. Her friend was given the trunk full of journals, as specified in her will, and the friend has to read them and decide what should be done with them. All sorts of secrets start to emerge about the woman through her journals, and it really gets you hungry for the truth about her. It also makes you think twice about keeping journals at all.
Do you see what I mean about a good set up? The story could go anywhere. The possibilities are endless and great, but the magic of it fizzles. I was really bummed out about the direction it all went. I should mention that my ideal ending for the book isn't what most people would hope for, but still, my ending would have been exciting and made for some good reading. Oh well, I guess that right there is the difference between a published author and myself.
I just started a new book, and the writing is really good. The author seems to be spot on when it comes to the inner thoughts of the characters. It seems almost like a true story, but the claim is that it's fiction. Made up stories start somewhere real, so I would guess this author has been married for a long time at the very least. This one has a chance of being really good.
The only thing worse than that, is reading a good book and then having the story go completely wrong. When the book suddenly turns sour, you can bet the ending will be irritating as well. This situation sucks, because it means that the whole thing started with tons of promise but the author turned out to be a jerk and ruined everything! Also like dating, but this is more like a bad break-up. So much chemistry, but the dude is an A-hole right down to the core. What ya gonna do right?
I just had a bad book break-up. The story had a lot of mystery and it could have blown my mind, but it didn't. I had been courting this particular book for a while. The library took forever to get a copy of it, so I waited for it. The wait just made the let down worse. The expectations of greatness were to high I suppose (again, just like dating).
The story is that of a wife and mother who died in a plane crash. She was going on this mystery trip. Her husband thought she was going to some painting seminar, but it was just a cover for some other secret trip. The story unfolds from the dead woman's journals. Her friend was given the trunk full of journals, as specified in her will, and the friend has to read them and decide what should be done with them. All sorts of secrets start to emerge about the woman through her journals, and it really gets you hungry for the truth about her. It also makes you think twice about keeping journals at all.
Do you see what I mean about a good set up? The story could go anywhere. The possibilities are endless and great, but the magic of it fizzles. I was really bummed out about the direction it all went. I should mention that my ideal ending for the book isn't what most people would hope for, but still, my ending would have been exciting and made for some good reading. Oh well, I guess that right there is the difference between a published author and myself.
I just started a new book, and the writing is really good. The author seems to be spot on when it comes to the inner thoughts of the characters. It seems almost like a true story, but the claim is that it's fiction. Made up stories start somewhere real, so I would guess this author has been married for a long time at the very least. This one has a chance of being really good.
I Just Found This on Pinterest!
If Celebrities Moved to Oklahoma or Utah
I didn't make this, but I wish I was capable of something this good. I very much enjoyed it, enough that I felt compelled to share it.
I didn't make this, but I wish I was capable of something this good. I very much enjoyed it, enough that I felt compelled to share it.
Britney Spears
Ashley Simpson
Cameron Diaz
Michael Douglas & Catherine Zeta Jones
The Beckhams
Gwen Stefani
Hillary Duff
Jennifer Aniston
Jennifer Lopez & Mark Anthony
Johnny Depp
John Travolta
Mary Kate & Ashley Olsen
Pamela Anderson
Paris Hilton
Sarah Jessica Parker
Sharon Stone
Tara Reid
Tom Cruise
Courtesy of www.planethiltron.com
Ashley Simpson
Cameron Diaz
Michael Douglas & Catherine Zeta Jones
The Beckhams
Gwen Stefani
Hillary Duff
Jennifer Aniston
Jennifer Lopez & Mark Anthony
Johnny Depp
John Travolta
Mary Kate & Ashley Olsen
Pamela Anderson
Paris Hilton
Sarah Jessica Parker
Sharon Stone
Tara Reid
Tom Cruise
Courtesy of www.planethiltron.com
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
Monday, September 10, 2012
I Didn't Sign Up For This Family...Or Did I?
I'm officially devastated! Olivia Newton-John played a concert 15 minutes from my house Saturday Night, and I was not there! I could kick myself right now. Saturday was an awful family day. The Jensen team was completely out of sync. It was one of those crap days that could have been easily saved by the sight of Olivia in person.
It started with an AYSO soccer game. Dave and I are not meant to attend soccer games together. Alone, we do fine, but when we go together it's just not enjoyable. I sometimes feel that Dave is expecting a group of six year old girls to play at a college level intensity. He has an athletic drive and I guess he can't understand why anyone (six years old or not) would stare off into space or pick dandelions while they are in the midst of a soccer game. So what happens is this, he gets sort of quietly annoyed and I feed off of that and then I'm annoyed with him and we all go home wondering why we signed up in the first place.
This all feels so strange because the games take place at this huge park that he and I lived next to in the early years of our relationship. We loved this park. We played tennis there, hiked the trail surrounding it, played golf at the course behind it and even had our engagement pictures taken there. This should be a happy environment for us, but now it's just the crappy Saturday morning soccer park. It's crazy how much has changed in the last twelve years.
All of this got me thinking about the huge gamble you take when you get married. You sign up for something (much like soccer) and you think you know what it's going to be like, but you have no idea. It doesn't matter how long you date, there is just no way of knowing what your "perfect" relationship will morph into once you add years, stress, finances and kids to the mix. Kids especially, because they completely shift the focus of the relationship in ways you can't prepare yourself for.
I got married sort young, but I wasn't especially naive. There was no question that I wanted to marry Dave and continue on in our perfect little dating bubble. And the early years of our marriage were exactly that. It continued to be great and we proved to be very compatible with one another and then one day we had a baby. Over the next few years I started to understand how stressful just one baby could be on a relationship, but we were handling it okay, so we had another. It isn't easy at all, but we can do this together. We aren't nearly as compatible as parents as we were just as a couple, but we continue riding the family life roller coaster anyway. Saturday, the coaster was very much at the bottom of a hill...Sunday, it started climbing back up the hill and it felt a million times better.
It's not easy running a family and I get get pretty irritated when I see people make it look like it is. I call bullshit on that scene. It's adorable for your blogs and your Facebook status, but I can't be fooled on that stuff at all. Everyone should take comfort in the fact that,behind all those enormous baby girl headbands and those family photos on the train tracks (hello dangerous), the struggle to balance it all is universal. Most don't feel comfortable enough to share it, but we all feel "driven to drink" so to speak on a regular basis. The grass isn't greener on the other side, not even at the AYSO soccer park. But I bet it appeared greener at the amphitheater where Olivia Newton-John was singing!
It started with an AYSO soccer game. Dave and I are not meant to attend soccer games together. Alone, we do fine, but when we go together it's just not enjoyable. I sometimes feel that Dave is expecting a group of six year old girls to play at a college level intensity. He has an athletic drive and I guess he can't understand why anyone (six years old or not) would stare off into space or pick dandelions while they are in the midst of a soccer game. So what happens is this, he gets sort of quietly annoyed and I feed off of that and then I'm annoyed with him and we all go home wondering why we signed up in the first place.
This all feels so strange because the games take place at this huge park that he and I lived next to in the early years of our relationship. We loved this park. We played tennis there, hiked the trail surrounding it, played golf at the course behind it and even had our engagement pictures taken there. This should be a happy environment for us, but now it's just the crappy Saturday morning soccer park. It's crazy how much has changed in the last twelve years.
All of this got me thinking about the huge gamble you take when you get married. You sign up for something (much like soccer) and you think you know what it's going to be like, but you have no idea. It doesn't matter how long you date, there is just no way of knowing what your "perfect" relationship will morph into once you add years, stress, finances and kids to the mix. Kids especially, because they completely shift the focus of the relationship in ways you can't prepare yourself for.
I got married sort young, but I wasn't especially naive. There was no question that I wanted to marry Dave and continue on in our perfect little dating bubble. And the early years of our marriage were exactly that. It continued to be great and we proved to be very compatible with one another and then one day we had a baby. Over the next few years I started to understand how stressful just one baby could be on a relationship, but we were handling it okay, so we had another. It isn't easy at all, but we can do this together. We aren't nearly as compatible as parents as we were just as a couple, but we continue riding the family life roller coaster anyway. Saturday, the coaster was very much at the bottom of a hill...Sunday, it started climbing back up the hill and it felt a million times better.
It's not easy running a family and I get get pretty irritated when I see people make it look like it is. I call bullshit on that scene. It's adorable for your blogs and your Facebook status, but I can't be fooled on that stuff at all. Everyone should take comfort in the fact that,behind all those enormous baby girl headbands and those family photos on the train tracks (hello dangerous), the struggle to balance it all is universal. Most don't feel comfortable enough to share it, but we all feel "driven to drink" so to speak on a regular basis. The grass isn't greener on the other side, not even at the AYSO soccer park. But I bet it appeared greener at the amphitheater where Olivia Newton-John was singing!
Friday, September 7, 2012
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