Where are the seatbelts?

I am happy to say that this nice weather is finally motivating me to take Lyla for a spin in the jogger stroller. We walk Sasha to school and then our walk/run begins. It's nice and I always feel great after. I'm so glad it's not freezing cold anymore!
But this post is in not at all about exercise. This is about what I am seeing everyday while walking. There seems to be an excessive amount of floater kids passing me in cars. That is to say lots a parents don't think it's necessary to put their kids in seat belts for the ride to school. Most of them are riding in the back seat, but I have seen tons of them in the front seat too. I even see a kid riding on a parents lap. This lap riding seems to be a long standing tradition in this community. I recall seeing lots of otherwise intelligent individuals driving home from church in the late 80's with a toddler "driving" on their laps. Apparently, some of their descendants live in my neighborhood. It is a strange site to see these days. I recall a photo of Britney Spears doing this with one of her babies. At that moment, it was confirmed that society doesn't find this behavior acceptable or adorable.
I've also seen kids riding in the back of a truck too. In 2012! I note the year because riding in the bed of truck was not only legal (according to my dad and Ashleys older brother Josh) when I was a kid, but it also seemed to be the preferred seat for the kids to ride in. I get it because kids seem quieter when you don't bring them into the vehicle. I spent a good part of my childhood riding in the white-trash convertible (a truck bed) and I loved it. I knew it was dangerous, that was the appeal.
It was also totally acceptable for a kid to sit in the front seat when I was a kid. I was a real contender for shot-gun at a young age, though being the youngest, I rarely won that coveted spot. The front seat was obviously the best seat in the car and I knew it from a young age. There were no air bags, so I guess the front seat wasn't overly dangerous for a kid, but my mother never wrecked the car, so we never really found out. There were no car seats and boosters. I thank my lucky stars that there were no boosters, because I would have been riding in my booster seat to Junior High! It's not fair for the short kids! My mother, bless her heart, felt that the floor of the car was by far the safest place for a kid. When we would pull out onto dangerous roads, my mother would order us down to the floor. She had survived a crash on the floor and by damn that knowledge would not go to waste! So that's where you'd find me half of the time, on the floor of the car.
In modern times, I don't risk it with my kids. I want them to be safe in the car, but more than that I want them to be confined. I don't need my kids to have that freedom that allows them to reach over and really smack each other in the back seat. I sure as hell don't need a kid hanging on the back of my seat or climbing all over the place. That would drive me nuts! My kids have had a healthy dose of the seat belt Kool-aid. I have led them to believe that mommy will be thrown in jail if they aren't properly restrained. Judging from my neighborhood school commute, this isn't true at all, but I want them to feel uncomfortable without their seat belts on. One day I pulled out of the driveway and drove down the street and suddenly both my kids started screaming hysterically. I pulled over because I thought surely one of my kids heads must have spontaneously detached and is now rolling on the floor of the car. No, that wasn't the case. I had placed Lyla in her car seat, got distracted somehow and forgotten to buckle it up. My kids were horrified at my negligence. Mission accomplished!

Well That Was Easy

My girls were scheduled for a dentist appointment. My five year old LOVES going to the Doctor or Dentist. I can't really pinpoint the reason why, but she loves these appointments. I think she likes having "plans", and she just loves social outings in general. She is always very engaging with the office staff and she loves to be big deal. She enjoys interacting with adults. Also, she LOVES band-aids. She's the type of girl who comes home from school with a new band-aid at least once a week. A blood-less, phantom paper cut is a fantastic opportunity to try out a shiny new band-aid! This is the kid you don't mind taking to the doctor or the dentist. Her excitement makes it fun. She's easy, she behaves.

Lyla, on the other hand, isn't game for this stuff. She is the kid who panics at the sight of the parking lot at the doctors office. She is not one to be tricked. She almost NEVER goes to the doctor. She would have to be pretty darn sick for me to even consider taking her in. She is the kid who mainly goes in for her yearly "well child" exams and even those are enough to bring out her doctor rage. She is the kid who recently told her doctor, "Don't look at me! DON'T LOOOOOK ATTTTT MEEEEE!" as she tried to kick him in the face and junk repeatedly. It's probably no surpriseat all that she is also a giant freak show at the dentist. She tells me ahead of time, "I be freak show at dentist". I wouldn't take her at all if I didn't already have an appointment for Sasha. The way I see it, watching her sister behave and have a pleasant experience, is the best way to calm her nerves about the going to these appointments. So when I knew we had a Monday appointment, we decided to start talking her into it a week ahead of time. Sasha and I repeatedly discussed how exciting it is to see the dentist, get a teeth cleaning with the "fancy" toothbrush and how great it is to pick out a brand new tooth brush! Lyla was started to get on board. By Monday morning she seemed fine about going to the dentist. She wasn't excited, but I thought she would at least not kick and scream. At 1:30 we walked into the dentist office and Lyla was uncharacteristically sweet and cooperative. She did EVERYTHING they asked her to do. They even got X-rays! She didn't bite, she didn't shed a tear. It was WONDERFUL! At the end of the appointment, her dentist asked me the dreaded question...."Does she still use a Binky, because her teeth don't really close together? She has a Binky bite." I shamefully had to admit that I've let her sleep with her Binky and he said very sternly that we have to get rid of it ASAP. He looked right at Lyla and told her to go home, get it out of her bed and throw it in the garbage. He also told her, "You're to much of a big girl for a babies Binky." So we get home and she goes directly to her room, retrieves her beloved Binky and marches down to the kitchen to throw it away. There was no emotion at all. She just threw it in the garbage and said, "Yucky Binky. I too big for that." And that was it. Naturally I was a bit skeptical about this "good riddance" act of hers. I hoped it would be the end of the Binky era, but I was not looking forward to the night ahead. I prepared by making her skip her nap, that way she'd be good and sleepy at 7:30. I got her ready for bed, and put her down. I gave her an extra "pet" to sleep with and walked out. 15 easy minutes later, she was asleep. She woke up the next morning and immediately asked if we could get the Binky out of the trash.....no was the answer she received and I haven't heard another word about it since. That was so easy! Is our dentist a magician with words or what?

I've hit the nail on the head here...

Don't Scare Me Anymore

My five year old daughter doesn't know it, but she is trying to find the worst possible ways to wake me up in the morning. I use the term "morning", but what I really mean is quarter to dawn. She always wakes up at quarter to dawn. School could begin at 6:45 and she would be there with bells on. I'm not accustomed to sleeping in, but I do like to keep my eyes closed until 6:59 if possible. We have been dealing with Sasha's early rising for quite some time. Long, long ago, we put a digital clock in her room. I asked her to wait for the 6 to turn into a 7 and then we can all be awake. She is more than welcome to wake up super early and play with her things in her room. She is usually really good at this. She can be found counting the money in her piggy bank (literally counting like 1 coin, 2 coins, 3 coins) at 6:15 in the A.M. She has built many mega block castles before the sun has even considered rising. I just accept that this is the way she is. It's not a problem at all until she gets bored and comes looking for company. When she wants to wake me up, she is very stealth. She won't make a single sound until she is 6 inches from my face, and then all at once she will loudly and abruptly say, "Hey MOM!". I jump up because I am scared to death, confused and my heart is racing. I asked her to stop doing that, and she agreed, so yesterday I'm sleeping soundly and I feel a tiny finger drawing a line on my forehead that would connect my eyebrows to one another. This if far worse than having "HEY MOM!" screamed in your face. I nearly punched her accidentally. I didn't know what the hell was going on. I didn't know if my murderer was drawing on my face before killing me or if a spider was using my face as a shortcut. Maybe my husband is cruisin' for a bruisin'. I just didn't know and it scared me to death. I jerked up outta bed so fast that my neck still hurts today. She was waking me up to tell me that she needed to pee.....she is 5, she can pee independently and she walked past two bathrooms to tell me this. Her dad was already up and she bypassed him to alert me. I know she loves me, but this is ridiculous. The only worse way to wake up is to the sound of a two year old yelling the words, "I need go POO POOOOOOO! Really really bad!" from a far away crib. Either way, I'm up for good. I never thought I'd miss the calming sound of a blaring alarm clock.

Junior High Lunch

While Jr. High School did suck, I do miss the good old days when you could eat garbage for lunch and it was totally acceptable. There was a lunchroom at my school, and we had the classic lunch ladies there, but I didn't eat that sort of lunch very many times. Of course there were the occasional Taco and Tater tots days, but for the most part, I skipped it. I took my four shiny quarters directly to the vending machines! I don't know if public schools are allowed to have garbage filled vending machines anymore. I doubt it, but in 1991, we had an amazing selection of high calorie, zero nutrition snacks to chose from. Most days I'd buy a bag of Cool Ranch Doritos or Munchos. Everyone knows what Cool Ranch Doritos are. They are some sort of corn chip, covered in a delectable zesty ranch powder. I bet I ate Munchos at least twice a week for two years, and I could not tell you what a Muncho is. It could only be described as fried, fried stuff, or potato dust that had been fried into oblivion. They were delicious and if you ate them with Dr. Pepper, they would instantly melt in your mouth. I, like everyone, had my Cheeto's phase, but the powdery cheese could easily get out of hand and the next thing you know, you're walking the halls of South Jr. High with orange all over your face, and this was way before it was cool to have an orange face. I'm sure today most 13 year old girls wouldn't even be able to tell if they had Cheeto or Dorito powder on their faces. Bronzer is far to accessible for the young crowd.
So like I was saying, I'd get my bag of chips and I'd get in line at the soda machine. There, I would spend my last two quarters on a freezing cold can of Dr. Pepper, or Mountain Dew. All these flavors must have blended well on my 13 year old pallet. So now you find your little clique of friends and you're ready to consume your disgusting feast.
This lunch time ritual would be judged very harshly today. Even I would be disgusted to watch a rotten little teeny bopper eat that. But twenty years ago, no one judged. It was a simpler time. I didn't know what a carb was, and I had no aversion to Saturated Trans Fats. High fructose corn syrup was a member of the vegetable family back then. Why would you ever drink something that didn't deliver calories, sugar and caffeine to you belly? I bet people would have laughed hysterically if they saw a fifty cent bottle of water in the vending machines in 1991. It was just unheard of. All the teens would have said, "Isn't that the free stuff that comes out of the communal drinking fountain? What sort of idiot would spend the quarters they took from their mothers wallet on water?".
So after I ate my garbage with my friends, the bell would ring and I'd be forced to walk into the depths of hell...7th grade social studies, a.k.a. "Utah History". I HATED this class almost as much as I despised the teacher. He was a sad, depressed and awful version of Stephen Colbert and Bob Sagget. So this miserable man, in his dank, windowless classroom would start droning on about who knows what while I desperately searched for something to hold my attention. I recall scanning my classmates daily, desperately hoping to develop a mad crush on someone, anyone, just to make this hour tolerable. Add to all this the inevitable sugar crash I was having from my trash lunch. The whole thing was a recipe for disaster. Almost all my detention time was earned in that horrible class.
I'm so glad I just relived this terrible time in my life, because I am so thankful that I'm now a 33 year old grown up. I no longer have to spend my days in Jr. High lock down. I'm so sad that I will one day have to watch my own daughters go through this awful phase of life. It will be painful to stand by helplessly watching it. The good news is that my Jr. High school burned to the ground a few years ago. I drove by it one day and I was absolutely delighted that all my fantasies had come true! It brought a certain peace that those days are over, forever! Good Riddance!

Farewell Jersey Shore

I will totally admit that I love the Jersey Shore! I didn't watch the first season, but after all the "Italian American" controversy, I was interested in seeing what all the fuss was about. I watched one mid-season episode and I fell madly in love with my Guido's and Guiedettes. What's not to love? The very next day I hit the internet to download all of season one and I watched them over the next couple of days. Somewhere during this Jersey Shore marathon, Dave got the bug. His interest was as innocent as mine and a couple years later, Jersey Shore is a high priority recording on our DVR.
I love the tiny, drunken Snooki. I'm baffled by Deena, but I love that she and Snooki are "the Meatballs". J-Wow's boobs are a weekly draw. They are crazy huge, and I love that she dresses like such a skank. If a Jersey Girl is going to pay for monster jugs, she might as well transform her wardrobe to really show them off. I am so glad Ron and Sam are getting along this season, but I also love when they fight. I would love to taste Ron's infamous blender drink, better known as the "Ron Ron Juice". Mike, "the Situation", is annoying, but good for T.V. I wish he never would have been a contestant on Dancing with the Stars. I didn't need to see that. I lost some respect for the Situation during that time. I can't believe how incredibly pigeon toed he is???? And that leaves me with the best Bromance of all time. My beloved Pauly D and Vinny. These two are like the "old married couple" of Seaside, NJ. I wish Vinny would have hit the gym and started tanning a bit earlier, but I love that crazy mama's boy anyway. They love each other in a way not many man friends can. They are adorable. I want so badly to touch Pauly D's blow out. I would normally think it was pathetic for a 30 year old man to use Spiker and blow-out his hair for 30 minutes, but it's great for Pauly. In fact, I love him for it. He really is "fresh to death".

If I ever find myself in New Jersey, you can bet your life that I will be making the pilgrimage out to Seaside Heights. I would first go directly to the Shore Store and buy as much Jersey swag as I could get my little hands on. Then I would get a drink at Jenks and start to prepare for a wild night a Karma. I would fist pump and jersey turn pike with a smile on my face. It would be the ultimate Jersey experience. Dave would love it!

I have no idea what will happen to the Jersey shore house this summer. Snooki and the tiniest Guido on the planet, Gianni are going to have a baby and so I know she won't be back this summer. It makes me sad to think that Dave and I just watched our last episode of this little gem of a show. I will watch the "Pauly D" spin-off show and supposedly J-Wow and Snooki have a spin-off too. Yes, I'll watch that one as well, but I will miss all the GTL, and all the drama.
Until we meet again Jersey Shore, I will miss you.

Juliet Simms vs. Sarah Golden: "Stay with Me"

Juliet is a rock star! I don't like the original Rod Stewart version of this song, but I can't get Juliet's version out of my head!!!!! The "folky" girl is pretty good too, but give me a break, Juliet owns the stage on this one. Love it! I'm also getting a little tired of my daughter constantly asking me if Sarah is a girl or a boy.... I finally just told her that even I'm not sure of her gender at this point. Watching her is giving me "It's Pat!" flashbacks from those hilarious old episodes of Saturday Night Live.

The Voice

The List

Necessary
License
Success
Definitely
Tomorrow
Restaurant
Schizophrenic
Spaghetti
Pressure
Caffeine
Conscientious


What do these words have in common?



These are the words that I WILL NOT write unless there is a spell check available. I can't learn how to spell these words. I don't know why. I will never use any of these words in a Facebook comment, a hand written note, or a text because the public humiliation that will result is just to much to take. I think everyone has a few words that they always spell wrong. These are mine, and I will write nothing at all just to avoid having to spell them without the safety net of spell check.

I can't correctly fold a fitted sheet either. My mom tried to teach me years ago, but my brain will not retain that information. I just don't understand that one at all.

After The Final Train Wreck (or final rose)

Wow, thank you US Weekly for totally wrecking the final episode of the Bachelor. I 100% knew who Ben would pick and it made all the Lindsey scenes unbearable to watch. Normally I can't watch Lindsey because of her voice and her make-up, but this was much worse. That poor girl was so set up for failure and she didn't even know it. I love how she said, "Well, call me if it doesn't work out." after he told her he wasn't choosing her. That alone is a great predictor of Ben's future.
Speaking of Ben, he sure did look like shit on After the Final Rose. A little piece of advice to all the fellas out there, if your "beard" looks like something a 13 year old boy could grow, you need to shave. I understand that he wants to distance himself from looking so much like Francine from the cartoon "Arthur", but he looked awful. And seriously, what is this stupid haircut? I can't deal with it anymore. It is so not attractive and he clearly needs a trim. If I can see your split ends on my crappy ass Vizio television, that's a problem. Also, is Ben's sister 9 months pregnant of is she just a huge fan of the worlds most unflattering sweaters? I don't get it.
All that being said, I sure hope Ben and Courtney enjoy all six weeks of their doomed romance. The upside of all of this is that I can't wait to see them end up on my future dream cast of Bachelor Pad. Move over Vienna, Courtney is ready to take your spot as most annoying Bachelor Pad contestant EVER!

My Bachelor Prediction

My Dad

I have a good dad. We aren't super tight. We didn't go fishing together when I was a kid. He wasn't the coach of my T-ball team and we sure as hell didn't have the maxi pad talk during the teen years, but we didn't need to either. I can't say for certain, because we've never discussed it, but my guess is that my dad had two main goals for life when I was growing up:
1. Support my family. Be a good provider and keep them comfortable.
2. Love my wife and stay married to her.
These goals sound pretty basic, but adult life will tell you that they are not easy goals at all. My dad has succeeded at both. He gets an A+ for sure. Not that he cares about grades. I don't think he does at all. My dad graduated high school and attended maybe one semester of college. It wasn't for him and trust me when I say he didn't need it. He needed to earn some dough quick, so he could marry my mother, buy a trailer and have the first of his three kids. I think he got the ball rolling on all this at 19. By the time he was 24 he had three kids and small house. He was working hard and it was paying off. Around this time, he and my grandpa started a business that would, in time, grow into something great. The way I see it, my dad couldn't fail. He is a hard worker and he has some solid OCD in his genes. I worked at his company for a few years and I learned exactly why he is so sucessful. He has no hobbies and he doesn't mess around! If something is due in two weeks it sure as hell better get done YESTERDAY. He doesn't rack up any kind of debt. If he can't afford it, he doesn't buy it. If someone sends him a bill, he pays it YESTERDAY. He has no tolerance for bullshit. This is also what made him a good dad in my book. He let you know exactly where the bullshit limit was and you didn't want to cross it. He kept us accountable, that's not to say I didn't do any wild, crazy things, but I knew better than to ever get caught and bring it to his attention. I didn't bring much trouble to his doorstep. I knew at a young age that if I ever got arrested, my dad would not be accepting a phone call from the jail, and the consequences at home would be worse than those in the slammer. A couple of weeks after I graduated from high school, I wandered upstairs in the middle of the day in my pajamas. My dad had come home, mid-day, to let me know that I needed to get a grown up job ASAP. He wasn't going to have me loafing around his house all day while he was at work. He has no tolerance for that bullshit and that was that, I found a new job the next day. I like having this sort of dad. He isn't needy at all and I so appreciate that. He's no cheap skate, but I still sort of feel like I get my money smarts from him. I hate any sort of debt and I don't feel entitled to things I can't afford. My dad gave me some of the best life advice ever and I'll share it with the world. This works for so many aspects of life and it can be applied to almost anything. He says, "Little piggies get fed. Hogs get slaughtered." I love that one. So eloquent. Thanks dad, even though I know you'd never read this nonsense in a million years. I love you anyway and I get you.

Meth People

Wow, what an exciting trip to Walmart I had today. I always shop for groceries Sunday afternoon and I had thought that the meth people get their two hours of sleep at that time of day, because I just haven't seen very many tweekers lately. Well, the streek is over. I saw the weirdest meth heads today. It was like a train wreck and I couldn't look away. There were two women, dressed sort of like twins. That is to say they both had on really awful jeans and matching flannel shirt jackets. They both wore velcro shoes (I know, where the hell does a grown up buy velcro shoes????) and they had the 90 year old faces of hard core, turbo meth heads. They both had horrendous hair, because that always looks best in a mug shot, and they both looked like drugs had beaten the shit of them. It was so strange that I had to let a fellow shopper in on the action. The meth twins didn't need much time to shop (old looking, but not slow moving). They had one cart and it was overflowing with (no not Sudafed) Walmart brand paper towels and Walmart brand toilet paper. I'm talking like 50 rolls of paper towels. It was so strange. I had no idea that a meth lab required so many paper towels. It makes sense I guess. If you're cleaning up a toxic spill, you don't want to ruin your "nice" towels. It was just a wild freakshow and I couldn't believe it was all real, but my cashier told me that this is not the first time that the meth twins had shown up in twinner clothes and gone on a strange shopping rampage. Don't worry, I totally asked the cashier if they always buy paper products, or if it's normally chemicals and sudafed. She just laughed.

Side note: My spell checker went nuts on this post. Apparently Tweeker, Sudafed, Meth, freakshow, Walmart and twinner , are not words found in the English dictionary. So I hope I've spelled them correctly.

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