Read it Twice

I didn't make this one, but I think it is so funny and very clever.

Don't Mess with the DVR

Working at the Bar!

What's better than serving food and drinks for $5 a table? Serving ONLY drinks for $10 a table. What's better than dealing with coherent people? Dealing exclusively with drunk people! What's better than going to the bar when you're 21? Getting paid to work there!
Welcome to the wonderful world of cocktail waitressing! This was one of my top jobs of all time but the timing of landing this job was the absolute worst. I found my perfect night job, just as I found my best boyfriend of all time (the future hubby). So just as I figured out how to profit from my love of the night life, I met the guy who would make me prefer staying home at night. For the first time in my young life, I didn't want to go out at night, I just wanted to spend as much time as possible with my man. It wasn't a great situation for Dave either. I'm sure it didn't warm his heart knowing I was collecting cash at the meat market a few nights a week. This was an absolute disaster in timing.

I'm not going to lie, the money was fantastic! I was amazed at how easily it was earned and I was doing so much less work than I had been when I was serving food and drinks. The folks at the bar were just so easy to please and they didn't seem to mind parting with their hard earned cash every time I delivered them a drink. Remember now that there is no such thing as a "free refill" at the bar. This fact alone made working there wonderful! It was amazing. And as the alcohol took effect, it only got easier. This simple gig was handmade for me. I'm quick, efficient and I don't need to be drinking to have a good time at the bar. This, sadly enough, was my dream job! I had no aspirations beyond this perfect set up. But like I said before, I had met the guy for me and the pull was too strong. I couldn't continue doing hair all day and serving drinks all night. I was rolling in cash at this point and I wish it could have gone on longer, but I had to make some time for Dave. It all worked out in the end, but seriously it was hard to stop working at a job that was so perfect. Now a days, people can't smoke in Utah bars and the job only looks better now. But I'm past my prime for work like that. I'm a mom now. My kids go to bed at 7:30 and I'm dead tired by 10:30. I haven't been awake to ring in the new year since 2005. Life is so different now, and I love where I'm at, but I still have such happy memories from my brief stint as a bar maid. I only wish I had discovered this gem of a job sooner. Don't knock it til you've tried it on this one.

Five Questions

Why can I remember vulgar rap lyrics from the 90's ( Too Short anybody???), but I don't remember what I made for dinner last night?

How can I become a contestant on Jeopardy? Teen Jeopardy to be more specific...

Why does my husband believe that one tablespoon is basically equal to one teaspoon? They are very different....especially when baking.

What ever happened to those scooters from my youth? They had bike tires on them, not huge tires, but small bike tires? They had real brakes too. I loved mine. I want my kid to have one, but they don't seem to exist anymore.

What the hell happened to LeAnn Rimes? Her boobs are so weird and I can see her skeleton without an X-ray machine. Other that having an affair with that Eddie Cibrian guy, and then marrying him, is she still famous? I don't know much about country music, but I don't think she really makes music anymore. According to US weekly, she spends a lot of time on beach vacations. But her boobs look so weird on her anorexic body. It's just so strange looking.

Take a look around

I'm having one of those rare moments where I'm basically home alone, except Lyla is actually just upstairs napping. I just walked into my quiet kitchen and took a look around. It just sort of hit me all at once, that I created everything I see. There are so many bits and pieces, but this home was created by me. I didn't frame the walls, or lay the floors. I didn't build the house of course, but I made it into a home for my family. I bought the flour jar, the coffee maker. I remember the day I found these rugs online and the afternoon I found my kitchen table at Costco of all places. I hunted for that couch for months and it cost a fortune and wouldn't you know it, I hate it! I made the pillows, those are totally me and I love them, but the couch isn't what I'd hoped it would be. But like I said, it cost more money than it should have, so I'm stuck with it for a long time. Never buy a couch when you're VERY pregnant.....take my word.
It is so strange to feel so young, but then realize how much of a life I've already built for myself. Every single thing in this house was most likely chosen and brought into my home by me. It's strange to look around and really try to remember why you bought each decorative thing you own. My memory isn't always the greatest, but if I really focus and think about it, I can conjure up the day, place and circumstance in which I chose all these little things that have made my house a home. It all looks so complicated and time consuming, but it all happened one thing at a time. Do I need all this? No. It's overwhelming to think that one day I'll have to pack it all up and move it. Isn't it strange how surrounding yourself with items that you find visually pleasing can make you feel comfortable. I like coming home to my space, with my stuff. It isn't even close to perfect, but it's my little stamp on this house and it makes it my home. Walk into your house and take a look around. How does it make you feel?

Bachelor, The Women Tell ALL!!!!

I didn't sleep well last night. I am embarrassed to admit why. I watched The Bachelor: The Women Tell All episode really late last night, and I was too OVER stimulated to fall asleep. So much happened! I kept having really short, weird, Bachelor dreams. It was no good at all.
I was so glad Courtney appeared on the episode. She needed to hear first hand how horrible she was. I will admit that I do feel bad for her now. She went on this episode to apologize to all the other girls for her awful behavior, but we all know she was really there to repair her image. She needed to give this "public apology" thing a try. She is currently, according to the gossip magazines, the most hated Bachelor girl ever. I mean, OUCH! That is an awful title to have. I don't think that image of her will fade anytime soon. It would suck to be her, even though she is sort of pretty to look at.
I was very happy that Emily (the epidemiologist/ clever rapper) sat in the hot seat and cleared a few things up. I was outraged when she had a private conversation with Ben about Courtney's horrible behavior and her "split personality", and Ben warned her to "Tread lightly". He flat out told her to drop the issue and he even went so far as to tell her, "You might not know me as well as you think you do. Tread lightly." If I would have been in Emily's shoes at that moment, I would be the most famous Bachleor contestant EVER! I would have had my picture on the cover of US Weekly with the headlines, "Bachelor Girl Goes Ballistic on Ben". I would surely have smashed a beer bottle into Ben's cranium and given him the big "F-OFF doucher! I'm done with you dude!". She should have at least thrown a little sand in his eyes. He flat out deserved it at that point. So I was pleased to see her on The Women Tell All. She finally addressed that moment on the show and clarified that she wouldn't want to end up with a man that would talk to her that way. AMEN, Hallelujah! In your face Ben.
And on a lighter note....Doesn't Chris Harrison have the worlds easiest job. He travels the world, putting Bachelor drama on blast and doing simple subtraction so he can walk into the rose ceremonies at the last second and announce, "Ben, ladies, this is the final rose." Wow Chris Harrison, I could never have figured out that one. My mind couldn't possibly comprehend that if Ben has handed out 4 of his 5 roses, that now leaves us with 1 final rose. Hey Chris, thanks for paying attention in your kindergarten math class! But I'm not going to hate on you Chris. As far as I'm concerned, you are the holder of my dream job! Keep living the dream Chris!

Three Tiny Prisoners

I have recently become the warden of 3 small fish, Salt, Pepper and Dot. I dare you to guess what they look like. Miraculously, they were named in the Petco parking lot. It was quick! My kids were blessed with many strange allergies and we can't have a cat, so fish will have to do. Sasha was recently named junior sales girl of the month in the Jensen house. She sold me hook, line and sinker (pun intended) on this fish deal. At least ten times everyday, she'd tell me how responsible she is. She said, "Fish will really teach me how to be a great mom one day! They will teach me how to be even more responsible than I already am!". Every time we'd get in the car, she'd ask me if I was taking her on a surprise trip to the pet store.....and she'd be super bummed out when we were just driving to school. So after a couple of weeks of selling and begging, Dave finally gave in and we got some fish. Now I know what everyone is thinking. It's a mixture of "Every kid needs a pet" and "Fish are no trouble at all". But fish ARE trouble. They either die instantly, producing undue, five year old heartache, or they LIVE FOREVER (producing undue bother for mother). My kid is responsible, but she lacks the skills required to clean a grimy fish tank. The first two prisoners we bought were Salt and Pepper, the black and white Mollies. We actually went to Walmart the next day to buy an Algae Eater fish to help clean up the tank. These,"allergy eaters" as Sasha calls them, eat nasty stuff off of the rocks at the bottom of the tank. I suspect they eat poop too. This claim disgusted my daughter and she nearly rejected the "allergy eater" on grounds of grossness. I like the bottom feeder. This little fish is the ideal house prisoner. He cleans up after himself. What more could you ask for?
The kids like to check in on the fish frequently, but I don't know if the fish have really produced any joy. I don't like keeping fish in a box of water, against their will. I know nothing about fish, except that Tilapia tastes really good with pesto on it. I don't know if they like living in my house. When do they sleep? Do they want that little tank light on? Do they like Tropical Flakes or would they prefer some other type of food? I just don't know, and it bugs me. But my kid got her way and I hope she's pleased about it. We were able to get her the Little Mermaid tank and it was half price. So the the tank is really cute AND my daughter thinks I'm a big spender. So at least I found a smokin' hot deal. That makes the whole thing a little easier to deal with. I actually hope they live a while, because Sasha has already informed me that no dead fish of hers will be flushed down the toilet (she hates the thought of a dead fish living in the land of excrement). She has demanded a proper burial for any fish that might pass away in this house. So, yes, I'd like to put that off for awhile.

Time to buy a new one!

Broken Dryer

You don't know how much you love your clothes dryer until it's broken. I know this first hand because I was just there ten days ago. I have, what I used to consider, a very nice set of Samsung front loaders. My washer has been great and up until this point, I haven't had a complaint about the dryer either. That is until I put some clothes in the dryer for 40 minutes and came back to find freezing cold, wet clothes. The heating element had died completely. Thankfully Dave is pretty mechanical (and cheap as hell). He took the dryer apart, found the problem and ordered the part. He forgot to ask if the part was in stock when he ordered it. It was not in stock so,without knowing it, we were in for a 10 day wait. I still had some cold, wet laundry to deal with so I asked my sister if I could come over and dry my clothes. I went over on a Sunday night and before you knew it, the box wine was flowing freely. I enjoyed my laundry expedition very much! I don't know if her family had as much fun with it as I did (I'm sorry for wrestling you Lucas), but it was a fun night for me.
When you can't dry your own laundry, you start getting very stingy about what's really dirty enough to get a spot in the dirty clothes hamper. Eventually, things did get dirty and the laundry piled up, so I washed some clothes and called my mom for use of her dryer. She happily obliged. I dropped the clothes off and the next day clean, folded laundry was presented to me! No wrinkles! No wonky collars! Just fresh, deliciously clean laundry. My mother is the laundry master! If she were hurting for cash, I would happily pay her to do my laundry. Not only is she a pro at it, but she loves to fold laundry. I don't have this gene.......at all. I hate folding clothes. There are a lot of times that I dry clothes and just leave them in the dryer for a day or two. It's horrible, because everything looks awful if it just sits in there. I will find ANY excuse (Pintrest) to avoid dealing with the clean clothes. I hate finding hangers and sorting out which clothes are Lyla's, and which ones are Sasha's and I HATE finding matches to socks. We always have an extra sock with no match. It makes me crazy. I could really get used to delivering my laundry to my mother and having it returned all beautifully folded. It was a wonderful treat in so many ways, but the other day the UPS man showed up with the part and I'm back to doing my own laundry. At least I sort of appreciate having my own dryer again. Maybe it will be like that great period of time right after you buy a new vacuum, where you really love to vacuum your house. Maybe having a dryer again will inspire be to become the laundry master that my mother is!

Thanks again Mom and Stacie for helping me out!

Kid Toy Fails

We just had a birthday at our house. My "baby" turned three and presents were opened. We didn't really have a party for her, but she received a few great gifts from her grandparents and her aunts. My sister in law nailed it with books. Lyla loves to hoard her own books. And they were princess books to make it even better. My sister brought her a ton of balloons. This too was a monster hit. The kids go nuts for balloons in a way I can't really understand. Balloons mesmerize in this house. I could picture both my girls trading a kidney for a helium balloon.

While Christmas shopping months ago, I found some great presents I had set aside for Lyla's birthday. The first was a Barbie computer toy. It's cute and little. I looks like a three year olds laptop and my kid loves it. I really do think she is already learning a lot about shapes and letters from this toy. It gets played with A LOT! It's a great toy, EXCEPT for the fact that is is extremely loud. It sounds like Barbie is screaming orders at my kid. FIND THE YELLOW TRIANGLE! WHAT ARE YOU WAITNG FOR SOLDIER? FIND IT RIGHT NOW!!!
I wrongly assumed that there would be some sort of volume control on the toy. Nope, just one setting that I call "incredibly loud". A deaf person could hear this toy.

I've been in the "toy fail" game for years now. There are the barbies who ought to be packaged in a cement block, because it would be easier to chisel them out, rather that un-twist a million twisty ties to unlock their bodies from the cardboard. There are the puzzle boxes that are sealed shut. We seriously have to take a knife and surgically open the box. It never works out right and we end up with puzzle pieces in a ziplock baggie with a ripped up cardboard picture square inside. We've had the Disney movies with the "fast play" feature, that is anything but fast. They should be called Disney (your movie will start automatically after 30 minutes of commercials and previews) Slow play. We always get stuck watching every single preview because we can't find the DVD remote control. If you don't hit that menu button fast enough, you are in it for the long haul. Who seriously thought of that horrible feature and why on earth is it called Fast Play? It's like the real estate term "short sale". There is nothing short about waiting 4 month's for a reply to your offer.

I have come up with two solutions to an incredibly loud toy. First, I find the speaker on the toy and I cover it with Duct tape. It can't be regular tape, it has to be thick duct tape. Sometimes two layers are necessary. If solution number one doesn't solve the problem, solution number two will work for sure. Secretly remove the batteries from the toy. When your kids notice that something is horribly wrong with the toy, act confused and irritated. Complain out loud about how cheaply made toys are these days. Then after the kids have gone to bed, I magically make the toy disappear forever. The loud toy will then either move to a place called the outside trash can, or it will be dropped off in the Savers donation bin. The kids don't like solution number two, but it's okay, because you can't put a price tag on sanity. This reminds me that we have one of those toddler popcorn vacuum toys that needs to get magically lost from our house.