Friday, May 30, 2014

R.I.P. My Dishwasher

Yesterday my crappy dishwasher (Maytag) passed away. It was approximately eight years old. It was not quite, despite bearing the name "Quiet series", and it couldn't dry a dish if you paid it a wage and supplied it with towels. I would say that it won't be missed, but that would be a lie. I'll miss that machine dearly...right up until the second that a new dishwasher is installed in it's place.

I am a spoiled lady. I've always had access to a dishwasher.  My childhood home had one, my first apartment had one and so on and so forth. Therefore I think I missed that window in life where you discover that hand washing dishes isn't that difficult. I don't have the proper technique and I'm left over thinking it and dreading the salmonella outbreak that will surely follow if I wash dishes incorrectly. Though I shouldn't have these fears (I'm medicated for hells sake), I am married to a raging germaphobe who would sooner starve than risk "contamination". He is not yet medicated for said condition.

So the battle begins to find the correct replacement dishwasher. I will scour the internet reading reviews and checking prices. I will ask myself probing questions about the need for a "hard food disposer". Do I need that? Did my craptastic dishwasher have that? How would I know? Do I need a stainless steel tub? Do I need a Fine China cycle even though I possess no fine China? These are hard questions that need answering....quickly.

Though it seems prudent to read many reviews, I find that they quickly create new problems and new questions. Most reviews contradict one another completely. I'm left feeling like dishwasher shopping is akin to playing Russian roulette. I'm terrified of my potential failure.

Before reading a single review, my criteria was simple:

1. It must work
2. It must NOT leak any water
3. I will sell my soul to the devil himself if I can find a dishwasher that will dry plastic.
4. It would kick ass if I could hear conversations over the sound of a cycle running.

Simple enough right? WRONG! After doing some research I have concluded that my ideal appliance would simply handle #3. There doesn't seem to be a machine capable of drying plastic. Some would say that I'm an A-hole for allowing my children to eat off of toxic plastic, but I love plastic and I demand that it be clean and dry when I open the dishwasher door.

In conclusion, I think I'm left with little hope of finding my dishwasher soul mate. I have decided to choose one the old fashioned way. I'm going to enter a store and find the best looking machine that has an agreeable price must also be in stock and ready for immediate delivery. Lord knows I don't want my family to die of contamination this week. Dave would go to the grave with a smug "I told you so" look on his face and I simply can't have that. It's time to shop!